Bills are coming and I'm still running

When you have cancer you are put in a position where every thought you have is centered on you getting better. Although you try very hard to do things that will take your mind off of it, it is still always there. Yesterday I had to call CDPHP (our insurance company). This was what seemed to be my millionth call of the week to either race directors, hotels, airlines, doctors, or hotels to tie up loose ends before I have surgery - I am an extremely controlling person and although my dad tells me I could do most of these things while I am home from work, I just want to concentrate on making myself better, getting my mobility back, and making myself ready for chemo while I am home recovering. CDPHP was very nice to me and was telling me all of our financial expectations with this. It was a lot more than I even expected but I am so glad to have health insurance. It is funny that in a time when I feel like I should be getting rid of cancer from my body, I am trying to figure out the financial burden of cancer as well. Today we got our first bill summary from St. Peter's Hospital for the mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy. The bill total was $8,023.00!!!! Wow!!! Thank goodness I have insurance so I only owed a copay but I can't imagine how much my entire care over the next year will add up to for the insurance company. Joe and I joked that since we have been very healthy over the last few years, we are cashing in on our payments into the system. I am keeping all of these receipts for many reasons but I want to see what the total cost of treatment will be for this situation. How do people without insurance pay for their cancer treatments without going completely broke? I am very grateful that we have insurance right now even though with a no out of pocket maximum, this will become expensive quickly but it is my life we are saving and we will make it all happen.

I also became "that patient" this week. I called both my oncologist and my surgeon's offices to ask questions as I was confused by some information. One of my first questions was whether or not the port would interfere with my biking, running, or swimming and was assured it wouldn't but I should stay in "safe water" swimming environments. I am petrified of getting lymphedema after surgery so I keep asking to make sure we are only taking out a couple of lymph nodes during surgery. Lymphedema would basically end my biking career completely so I want to make sure they understand my concern and will try their hardest to not be overly aggressive in taking them out unless it is absolutely necessary. I also was confused about if my lymph nodes will be tested during surgery or not. I still have to re-ask these questions as if they are cancerous, I do not want to have a second surgery (that is exactly what I was trying to prevent by not having reconstruction so why would this be different) I just want those effected removed. I actually think I am getting an actual answer but it isn't the answer I want to hear so I keep asking the question with the hope that they will change their answer to fit my needs - probably wishful thinking but if you know me, you know this is exactly me!

In all of this crazy of my life, the only thing that makes me feel like I'm still me is running and biking. Swimming isn't desirable as looking at that stupid line at the bottom of the pool just allows me more time to think. I am in the best biking shape at this point in the year as I have ever been. I started going to these indoor training sessions with my friend which are great as I am just an Ironman there until they ask how training is going for this summer's Ironman and I have to say I'm not able to do the race any longer. Today I went for a run where I just went where ever my mind decided to take me and it was fantastic. I am down 5 lbs which is exactly where I wanted to be at this point in training. But then I realize that I am training for surgery and that makes me sad. But I am loving every moment I am on the bike and out running - I know I won't be doing it for a little while so I want to make every one count. Joe and I were negotiating with my surgeon about my return to biking and running and we think I can get on a recumbant bike (one where I don't need my arms) within 2 weeks of surgery and back to running a little about 3 to 4 weeks after surgery. I will be allowed to walk almost immediately after surgery though so maybe I can also do wall sits and lounges to keep my leg strength up.

This week also came with me telling my students about me having cancer. This was intersting as I am talking to high school students (mostly 11th and 12th graders) about me having breast cancer. I was impressed with how many questions many of them had and how quickly some of them became protective of me. It has ultimately made my day a little easier as I am not the teacher I was before I was diagnosed. I am a little cloudy and unfocused sometimes although we are still working appropriately. I needed them to understand that I was going through something very big and be aware that I am trying very hard to be me.

My husband is my rock through all of this. I offered to let him out of our marriage deal and to find a younger, more genetically appropriate model but he is sticking with me!! We laugh daily and he keeps me positive. The first time he was rattled was this week too though with the FISH test being positive. Sometimes I need him to be angry with me and that was one of those times. I couldn't ask for a better partner in this journey although I feel horrible to be putting him through this. He is an absolutely amazing man and I will make him very proud through this process.