Being my parent/sibling/niece/nephew

There are many reasons I do not have children. Other than the fact that I have asthma and ankylosing spondylitis which, for me, are both genetic and that I could pass them on, I remember what it was like to be in second grade. I was diagnosed with severe asthma when I was 3 months old. For my parents, my second grade year was the worst when it came to asthma. I remember being in and out of the hospital (including being in the hospital for Halloween during that time). I remember having hundreds of needles all over my body when they did my first allergy testing session when I was 5 yrs old. I remember screaming every time they wanted to put an IV in to give me the steroids that would help me to breathe. I knew that I couldn't go through this as a parent and I would never wish those experiences on my children if they were unlucky enough to have inherited my poor genetic predispositions. During this time, I also couldn't have imagined being my sibling. I know that I required a lot of attention - I was getting treatments up to four times a day at some points. If I started having problems breathing, then we had to stop everything and start treatments that would help me. This could not have been easy. I believe that these experiences have made me even more independent as an adult and more motivated to prove that I can do anything as well. Now we are doing this again, just a different disease. A parent is not supposed to have to watch their child go through cancer surgery and treatment. On Tuesday my mom accompanied me to my horrible appointment. Although this appointment was long, there was less crying and no screaming this time so I guess I have progressed since I was 8 but it was very similar to all of the time I spend in a doctors office as a child. I have no idea how hard this is to go through as my parent. I went from being a very independent daughter who showed up when there were family events and who they watched have a fantastic wedding, have a successful career, complete two Ironmen, and successfully finish five marathons to the daughter that requires care and rides overnight. Prior to February 13th no one worried about me - I was ok. Now, they worry about me on a daily basis. I know that I think they can be a little overbearing at times but I also understand that this is one of the worst things a parent can watch a child go through and how do you deal with this. I don't know. You become overprotective again and unlike before when you were getting all of the information directly from the doctor, now you have to get the information from your child or her husband. This is a difference in the loss of control and very hard to deal with. Being my sister is difficult too. I was the person who was solid but not overly involved although I would try to be at every event that I was told about. I loved spending summer weekends around my nieces and my sister. I again was independent and involved in their lives. I loved having positive experiences including singing and dancing with my nieces. It's funny, last summer I realized that the girls would grow up soon and not want to sing and dance with me in the crazy way they would at 10, 7, and 5 would (imagine blasting Moves Like Jagger and dancing with three singing children around the house- ahhh so much fun). I actually remember telling them that I want them to remember this moment when they are older and remember the silly things their crazy aunt did with them - weird right? Sierra would actually walk around the house singing at the top of her lungs so I would leave her alone and not make her dance with me! Now, they are all afraid to touch me. I don't want to scare them when I lose my hair. My younger nieces and nephew don't understand any of this but it makes me sad when Sydney looks at me at my feet and I can't pick her up. I can't wait for the day when I am back to me in their eyes. Although Lorie was the one that I thought would take this news the best, I was surprised when she took it so hard. I long to never have to do that to her or any other family member again. How do I show them I am doing well or I will be cured? I work harder to make sure I get well quickly. I think positively all of the time to speed healing. Ultimately, how will they know I am ok? I will complete an Ironman again. I will get back to nagging them to eat their vegetables (yes, I do this, not my parents!) I will make my nieces dance and sing with me again this summer (if not sooner). I will be able to pick up my youngest niece SOON!!! Hell, I will be able to pick up Lila who is my height SOON (probably not as soon as Sydney)! I will continue to make fun of my sister and my parents on a daily basis. I will ask Lorie stupid questions through texts where her response is "Where are you getting this?" I will cuddle with my nieces and run after my nephew soon even when they don't want to cuddle (Cooper always wants to run so he will be fine with it). I will continue to ask how school is and what are they learning in science class (I feel that is always the best part of the day). I want to be that independent person they knew before February 13th again soon. I will get there soon, I promise. Then we go back to me being me just stronger and with a few more scars!

More Stitches

If you are looking to have a mastectomy or have had one, please note that what I write that has happened to me is extremely unusual. I have always been a slow healer so this may have happened to me because of that. So, please do not read this as it is what will happen to you, it is just what happened to me and I am a very special person! Last Tuesday I had stitches to rejoin parts of my incision back together, I left that appointment disappointed that I seemed to be all of a sudden breaking down. On Saturday morning, another part of my incision opened up. I was convinced it was enormous - my perspective is very skewed on my own body. I was also convinced on Sunday that it was infected - no it wasn't, it was just fighting against those internal stitches again. Bright and early Monday morning, I had an appointment with my surgeon. He cleaned the area and checked my stitches from last week, which looked great. I had two areas down from the external sutured areas that needed a stitch or two but the places where the external stitches had been put in looked like it was healing. He sent me home with an antibiotic just in case since I had a few open wounds and he still wanted me to start chemo as soon as possible and an infection would set back chemo for more time. On Tuesday, I went back to have more sutures put in to close the most recent incision problem. We removed the bandages around my external sutures and found my skin had pulled back from them overnight. We have no idea why. So I was given choices. 1. I could have them all resutured moving outward to use more viable tissue and using thicker sutures would ensure that the area would remain together. 2. I could leave the wounds open and allow them to hopefully heal but that could take months and my risk of infection would be extremely high and most likely chemo would be compromised. 3. Or I could go into the operating room and have them redone there under anesthesia but I would have to wait until at least a couple of days for an OR spot to be opened and I would have to go through pre-op testing again. This would definitely move chemo back even further. #3 was extremely tempting but I knew I needed to do #1 just to get moving forward. I was in the office for 4 1/2 hrs with about 3 hrs of suturing happening to me. No person should have to hear or go through the procedure that I went through happening to themselves. It was not fun. I felt like a trooper though. No tears this time around but a lot of hand holding from the nurse. So, now I just keep putting out into the universe the following words: "Please let me heal correctly this time! Please!" I told my doctor I would do anything to make this work - I would eat crickets if he told me to. I have upped my Vitamin C intake because I read that if Vitamin C intake is low it can delay healing and surgical patients without enough vitamin C don't make collagen appropriately - maybe that is my problem since I don't appear to be making collagen appropriately. I am eating chicken or turkey even venison, or high protein foods at all meals to increase the amt of protein in my diet to help with healing too. Today, I am sore. Very sore. As I heal slightly, my nerve endings are being awoken so the further away from surgery I am I get more feeling. Thus, having tugging and pulling and having my arms in different positions than I have had them for the past 5 weeks was difficult. I am sure I am bruised but I am under so many bandages that I can't tell. It is getting better though. I am sure it will be much better tomorrow. I'm visualizing daily my cells healing and my body fighting infection. I know it will happen. I need it to happen now please!