Walking with a purpose

During Ironman, if I am forced to walk, I "walk with a purpose". This has taken on a different meaning to me now. Although this week I have had to slow down and go shorter distances in order to get the drains to slow down, I go out daily. This is the time that I use to feel mentally better. I can only sit and watch daytime TV for so long. I can only read books on cancer for so many minutes of the day. I can only look for work from home jobs for so many hours of each day. All of these things make me emotionally drained (yes, daytime TV makes me emotionally upset, it's that bad, I have to stop watching it). I have finally given myself permission to take time to just read instead of looking for financial assistance for next school year. The only problem with walking is that I get sad when I walk the routes I used to run. I miss running so much that I recall how it felt to run this route the last time I ran it. I have started to explore my neighborhood to find new routes that I haven't run. The entire time I am walking these new routes I am thinking about how I can add them into my running repertoire. The only problem I have with this slower pace is that it isn't invigorating anymore so I don't feel like I did something today. I walk with the idea that I am walking my way into my new life. I just need to figure out how that new life is going to be structured. I walk to get rid of the fear that accompanies me about the unknown - yes, I am admitting that on a daily basis there is fear about how I will handle the big chemo drugs, how I will handle 52 weeks of herceptin treatments, how am I affecting my family especially my husband, how am I affecting my friends, will I be able to run like I did before, and will I ever feel "normal" again. But when I walk, I let go. I'm walking with a different purpose now. I'm not exactly getting comfortable with it as I know that in 1 to 2 weeks, I should be allowed to run again!

Weekly appointment #3 post surgery

I wanted to get the drains out badly on Monday so I stayed in my recliner all day Sunday. I knew that if I didn't move much my draining would go down. And it did but not enough. The drains didn't come out. I was told that if it continues to drop this week, I can call and have them taken out on Friday!! I am not using my arms as much as possible to make sure they continue to stop draining. We also found out that some of my pains/irritations that are coming around are just from the nerves around my incision site starting to fire again. It feels good though, I'm coming back around to "normal". We also learned that my tumor was a stage 1/grade 3 tumor which means it was small but aggressive which we knew as it was HER2NEU +. My doctor was happy with my progress though.

My least favorite part of this process now is the little white vest shirt they gave me at the hospital. It is convenient as it has pockets for my drains, it's nice and soft, and it doesn't need to go over my head. It is too big for me though so it is rubbing on my armpits. The millions of snaps are annoying and now that I can feel areas around my incision site, they are irritating the area in between the two incision sites. Plus, I have worn the two that I was given for 18 days now (washing and rotating - I'm not that disgusting) so I am ready to branch out into the fashion world again soon. Only people who have worn this vest will understand my irritations so I appreciate the rest of you who are wondering what the hell I am talking about.

I am sharing this now because I have talked to my school about my options and am looking at possibilities. I will be taking off the rest of the school year due to my surgery and my start of chemotherapy. I am also trying to find a way to take off next school year since my treatments will be weekly and I would have to be absent from school at least once per week for almost the entire school year plus take off a day or two to have my port removed. I also understand the risks of working with children with a compromised immune system. I am petrified of getting sick from the students and derailing my treatment or worse having to be hospitalized from an infection. My oncologist is not happy with the idea of me being around "germy children" either. I have been exploring options (grants, financial assistance, and even work-from home options) and am finding this to be the most emotionally draining part of my recovery. I can't help but think that there have to be ways to do this but I am missing something. I feel exhausted each day by the effort I put into finding a way to make sure we are able to survive this experience financially and getting nowhere. I am hopeful that I will have some luck this week.