End of the year recap

A lot of people would expect me to say that I was excited 2012 was over and it wasn't a good year. There are a lot of things that changed in my life this year and I look forward to a new beginning in 2013 but it wasn't a bad year. Not even close, it was an potentially the most important year of my life. I had a lot of positives happen to me this year. I was able to meet some very special people that have changed my world. Some of these people wouldn't have entered my life without a cancer diagnosis and others would have any way you look at it but either way these people have enhanced my life. I realized how much I love running, biking, and (to a lesser extent) swimming aka triathlons. I fought really hard all year to make sure that running played a part in every aspect of my life and I will fight to keep running for the rest of my life. It is my sanity. Triathlon and running has also given back to me. These sports have allowed me to see my progress over the past year. The people who I get to meet through triathlons and running have made me feel accepted and have allowed me to know that I am part of the sporting community that means so much to me. Not that we weren't each others biggest fans before, but my husband and I have fallen more in love over the last year and he is my biggest supporter. I love our life together and couldn't wish for anything more. I learned how tough I am. I was a tough cookie before but now I feel like I can kick ass in anything I decide is worth it. I have learned more about myself than most people would want to know about themselves. These revelations about myself has allowed me to prioritize things as well. I have learned to say no. I have learned to accept help when I need it. I now have even more motivation to do things that make me happy. I have learned over many years but even more so this year that nothing external can make you happy if you aren't happy inside. (My husband would say I sound like Dr. Phil with that one!) I've learned that I need to look for the positives in everything and let things go when they don't need to be held onto. I've learned to self-advocate for what I want from situations. I've learned that if you want something, just ask. What's the worst that could happen, they could say no but more often than not, they say yes. Of course, I had cancer so I got a lot of yes' this year as a byproduct (I'm not proud of that one - I'd rather earn what I want than be given it). There are negatives too. 1st of all, I had cancer - that sucked! I learned that I am intolerable when I can't run - I'm sorry to all that had to deal with me during that time. My life will be forever different. I morn for the person I was and struggle daily to figure out who I will become. I learned that death is a part of life that we all need to deal with. This has also taught me to enjoy every moment of every day because you never know. I've learned that adults have to make difficult decisions about their health sometimes. I've also learned that when you make those difficult decisions, you cannot look back and have regrets. (Thank you Mary for this one!) I'm not always good at this one but I am trying. I've learned that life isn't always fair. I've learned that not everyone that you thought was important in your life is and may of those people are emotionally draining. My body betrayed me this year. This was extremely difficult to deal with. I was extremely sick (even though many people had no idea how sick I was most of the time). I would say that my body has shown great resilience though. I will acknowledge that I have been able to accomplish amazing things since chemo ended in August - my body has done things that some people take years to accomplish or feel they never could in the 4 months post chemo. I am proud of how hard I work everyday to make sure I am working toward my goals. I know that all of the negatives will result in positive outcomes in my life, I just need to be patient. As for my end of the year stats that I usually post, I don't really have anything to post since I didn't log most of my miles this year. I didn't log any miles between March and November. I was sporadic about logging them in the program I use from November until the end of the year and from the date of my diagnosis until I had surgery. Here is what I have logged in the program though: Swim: 2.66 miles in 1 hr 56 min (I know I didn't swim much more than this this year!). Bike: 302.25 miles in 21 hrs 52 min. Run: 186.8 miles in in 33 hrs 29 min. Other miles: 2.85 miles (no idea what I did off the top of my head) in 2 hrs 30 min. Total miles: 494.56 miles in 59 hrs 47 min (2 days 11 hrs 47 min). I must say that even with cancer, I beat a lot of people in miles logged this year. For the upcoming year, I have goals. Finish the Key Bank Vermont City Marathon and Rev3 Old Orchard beach. Finish Herceptin treatments in May. Get my port taken out in August. Sign up for an Ironman! Live each day to its fullest. Learn from others. Learn from myself. Make sure I am healthy and happy! I have a bright future. Although I will not start the year completing a half marathon due to a slight injury and two illnesses, I will start the year running and that is all that matters. I hope you will do the same. Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Lots of wonderful things happening on Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family! I began my day yesterday bringing small gifts to those who have ensured my life will continue on for the next 50 years, my oncology family and surgeon. How do you tell the people who have saved your life thank you? Through Bailey's, Starbucks Coffee, some homemade jam and jelly, chocolate, and a very nice Riesling of course. My infusion went as planned and was a great thing to get over with before all of the festivities started. Biking followed and then we were off. I am still an Ironman and days of massive eating do not include no exercise! Christmas eve was beautiful with family galore, nieces and nephews super excited about Santa, some Christmas cookie decorating (Chewbacca was made and I become really good at the yellow smiley face with a Santa Hat), and a little It's A Wonderful Life! Christmas is so much fun when there are children running around and playing. With the background of our day being 24 hrs of A Christmas Story and the random trivia facts that surround it ("You'll shoot your eye out!", tri-Santa arrived at my house bringing me a new pair of pink, rimless Tifosi sunglasses to make me more efficient in aero position and really stylish while I'm racing! While my husband bought me a very special gift - a rock and a starfish necklace. Let me explain... When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I told my husband that it was ok if he wanted out, he didn't sign up for this, I understood. He gave this to me and said "Because you are always my ROCKSTAR!" He's a very special guy - and he's mine! I got changed into my new shirt with bikes on it! I love this shirt and it is something I never would have been able to wear before. Our TEAM LOCO medal holder was opened and we were so happy with the friends we have made this year and the year of racing that was ahead of us.

Sydney and Cooper were excited about all of the toys that Santa had brought them and they got to play with the rocket when we arrived. The 1st rocket only lasted about 5 min into our visit as Joe decided to see how high it would go and the wind took it and it landed on the neighbors roof! Oops. We will always remember this. Sydney danced when we danced and played with her new babies! Cooper played with his light-saber! Jessica got to play with tools to put together all of their things while Sam got to make the egg bake that we all love! I got to listen to some Beiber with Cooper's new headphones! It was a very exciting morning! I was able to run through the newly fallen snow from one house to the next. It was a beautifully quiet and peaceful run through the streets of Albany. Snow was lovely. I was able to run on some of my favorite roads without fear of being hit by a car or verbally accosted by a random stranger. All the people that I saw had a smile on their face or were hugging their family and friends as they arrived at their location. The sun actually came out for the last mile of my run too. It was perfect even though it didn't actually feel perfect. But 4.5 miles done in a nice controlled fashion. When we arrived at my parent's house, Sierra was excited to open presents while my father was trying to figure out new iPod settings. We allowed the children to hand out gifts and there was only one mishap, they thought the gift addressed to my parents as "Mom and Dad" was for their mother, my sister. All were excited about their very nice gifts and I went home with some very nice kitchen baking and cooking implements which I am excited to use. Sierra sang America's "Golden Hair Surprise" while Kaelah sang Michael Jackson's "PYT". Everyone except for my mother got to play with my mother's new iPad. We looked at my father's new Specialized bike and compared it to Joe's bike. My favorite conversation of the night went like this: Me: Did you see what was on my shirt? Kaelah: Bikes - why would you have bikes on your shirt? Me: Have you met me? Kaelah: Did Santa Joey get you that shirt? Me: No, Santa Kelly bought this shirt for herself. Kaelah: Then that's not a Christmas present, that's just going shopping! What a smart girl! Now, it is time for a nice glass of wine with my very wonderful husband! I have a great life and I am surrounded by fabulous people. What a great two days! I hope Santa was as good to all of you as he was to me and my family. As the Night Before Christmas says: "Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good night!"

Happy Holidays

It has been an extremely busy December. I had a slight injury the weekend after Thanksgiving which has prevented any long distance running this month post the 10 miler that I did the day that my knee started to bother me. I ran the Jingle Bell 5K with my friend Mary and in celebration of my friend coming back to running after an injury which was so much fun. It was snowy and icy which is perfect for the season. I ended up with cold number one after this race - I am a teacher and my kids are all sick so I was waiting for this to happen. I was featured on the Key Bank Vermont City Marathon website - I'm a minor celebrity now!!! (haha) Check it out: www.runvermont.org/therundown/why-i-run/why-i-run-kelly-sullivan Then two weeks later I ended up with a big, horrible cold where I lost my voice for three days and couldn't go three feet without blowing my nose. It was horrible. The funny thing was I went for a run while I was not feeling well to loosen things up but it was a great run. It felt easy and effortless. Those are the runs that send people out running again and again. I then went out for a run one night to see the lights in my neighborhood when I fell. I fell hard. There was a very large discrepancy in the sidewalk that I didn't see and hit the ground. I collected myself and got up. Realized I was bleeding but couldn't tell where I was bleeding from so I ran home and had my husband fix me up. I think this was only part of my year since I usually get road rash from falling from my bike at some point during the summer but this year I wasn't on my bike much so it was only appropriate. I feel very hard core!

This brings me to Christmas. I have a Christmas wish. I want all people to live each day to its fullest. Laugh each day. Love each day. Do something good for yourself each day. Do something good for someone else each day. Sing loudly each day. Dance each day - either by yourself or with someone, especially little kids! Do things with the ones you love every chance you get. Let yourself be happy. I am loving my life because of these goals of each day. I dance each day and love every second of it. I sing poorly each day and am extremely happy when I am doing it. With this in mind, I have decided a few years ago that we needed to have a tradition of decorating Christmas cookies! It has grown every year. We had 8 kids and their parents decorating Christmas cookies and talking about Santa and their Elves - Frisbee, Taco, Snowflake, and another I don't remember. It was a blast! All kids seemed to have fun as they all fell fast asleep after leaving the fun. I'm sure this will be at least 3 children bigger next year since we have a few friends expecting little ones! I love being surrounded by the little kids so excited about Christmas and Santa. It makes me extremely happy and I want them to have something fun like this to remember when they get older and do with their children. Children make Christmas fun and since I don't have my own, I get to bring in other people's kids, give them sugar, have fun decorating cookies, and then send home with their parents them all sugared up! It's a perfect situation for me! Isn't that the job of an Aunt!!! If not, I was mis-informed!

I am excited to have time with my husband to enjoy this wonderful time of the year. I love that we get to spend this week together and enjoy the fun of the season. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!! May your heart be bright! Enjoy your family and friends! I know I will!

Thankful

Thanksgiving has brought me to write this post and reflect on what life has brought me this year. Although cancer has brought difficult moments and experiences, it has also given me different experiences that I would never have had and I have learned from them. Cancer has changed my life. I have decided to allow for it to change my life in positive ways. I wanted to share with everyone what I am thankful for this year. My husband - Joe is my rock. Joe loves me through everything. He supports me through thick and thin. He is the most amazing significant other one could ask for. I've even allowed for him to join my Rock Star status this year! He is a spectacular person who I am extremely glad I met 17 (almost 18 years) ago. I love you, Joseph! My family - I try very hard each and every day to make sure they know that I am ok and I am pursuing the life that I had planned prior to cancer making an appearance. I am thrilled to have such a great support system which makes me happy and laugh almost everyday. My friends - New and old - I have had the opportunity to become closer to many of my friends due to cancer and I am happy about this. I have had the opportunity to meet several amazing people this year who have helped me enjoy life through what could have been a horrible time in my life. I've heard someone tell me that you don't get to pick your family, but you pick your second family in your friends. I love that there were many opportunities in my life that allowed me to meet these people and I am grateful for these relationships. Early detection - without a doctor who found my lump early and knew my medical history well and technology that could detect the cancer I may not have had the long life ahead of me that I now have the opportunity to have. I beg everyone to use me as a motivator to check your self and see your doctors regularly to be screened. It literally saved my life and I want you to be around for a long time as well. My medical staff, most importantly my oncology nurse, Lisa - Lisa made the difficult time through chemo more bearable. She makes me laugh every time I see her which is every Tuesday. She gives me strategies to make sure that I feel better every week. She is the reason that this weekly treatment plan is not making me crazy. My body - I know this one is weird, it rebelled against me this year. BUT it was in the best shape I think it was ever in before I went into surgery which allowed me to get through surgery and chemotherapy much better than most people would go through it. It is working really hard to try to get back to the running, biking, swimming, Kelly that I want it to be. I push it hard and it responds. I LOVE this about my body. I thank it everyday for helping me to accomplish my athletic goals everyday! My strength - I am stronger than I ever thought I was. My mind has learned that I am capable of so much. I love that I am a strong, independent, questioning woman. I have learned so much about myself this year and I am proud of what I have accomplished. I hope that I have many more years to reflect on all of the things that I am thankful for. I am so happy in my life and I love that I have the opportunity to LIVE it and enjoy every day with those I love.

Running Away From Cancer - 15K done!

I completed my first 15k post cancer surgery and chemo but while still undergoing cancer treatments today. I am really excited about this. I signed up for this race after I went for an 8 mile run with friends two weeks ago. The run that we went on felt easy for me so I figured, why the heck not do the race. I have been running this race since 2004 (with the exception of 2010 when we did the NYC Marathon). It has become a staple on my race calendar and as of September, I didn't think it was a possibility this year. When I realized it was, I felt like this would show that I am back to being a version of my old self (I can't help but believe that the old Kelly is gone but I truly believe a new, better version of myself is becoming visible.) I knew this would not be my fastest race but it would be really important to me to finish this race. I have said it before, I was not a 5K runner - that wasn't enough for me. My cancer diagnosis will never change the fact that I was a distance runner/triathlete. I am unwilling to give those things up. This race gives me one more moment to realize that I am going to be able to get back to that distance running form sooner rather than later. I was pretty stupid though the day before the race and looked at my time from last year - I was running some of my best times last year and I am nowhere near being in the shape that I would like to be in - but I needed to know what I had been capable of. After the race I looked up all of my Stockadeathon times to just compare (1:38.42 in 2011, 1:42.19 in 2009, 1.33.19 in 2008, 1:39.35 in 2007, 1:35.54 in 2006, 1:41.00 in 2005, and 1:34.14 in 2004). This year I ran a 1:43.57!!! My goal was anything under 1:50 but my BIG goal was 1:45 or under. I did it!!! This morning I woke up at around 7 since I live less than a 10 min drive from the starting line! I tried to make sure that I could use my own bathroom before the race. I drank my magnesium food rich smoothie (my magnesium levels are a little low so I have been drinking this smoothie once a day) and a bowl of Cinnamon Chex - yummy!!! My coffee went down nicely too and I felt optimistic about today although I had become nervous overnight. Once I got to the race, I found myself in the porta potty line (so much for the help of being at home and using the bathroom). I ran into a few people I knew and talked. Then I took off my outer layers while dreading going out into the slight drizzle with cold and a little headwind. Wasn't it supposed to be sunny and 60 today? The race started and there was a woman walking as fast as I was running. I will keep this post PG rated but my brain was not being so nice about this. Mile 1 11:23.08. I wanted to be conservative in the first 5 miles because of the HILLS that I knew were looming. It was already getting too warm to wear my hat and my sleeves though so I was hoping I would find my husband and ditch the hat soon. The next mile I heard my name and then saw Sara and Mark yelling for me!!! I didn't know they were coming!!! How exciting!! I loved knowing that they came out to cheer me on! I ditched my hat with them and started making sure I was going past people like Sara told me I should. Mile 2 after seeing them was pretty much downhill and I was trying to not let my desire to go my race pace (still slow but more difficult to maintain) take over even though I knew it was winning out over my reasonable side - 11:07.03. I was taking note that the new course was on roads I have never been on but that the first half had more small rolling hills than the former course had. Mile 3 I was trying to get away from a group of people who were pretty much yelling at each other because most of them had headphones on while running with their running partners and trying to carry on a conversation at the same time - 10:50.76. Not racing and only going out for a long run went out of the window! Mile 4 was pretty much on roads that I knew, a drummer on the side of the road, and my love of this race had me smiling. Plus, I realized I had successfully gotten away from the walker and the loud people but I could still hear them chattering behind me - 10:51.22. I was thinking that I would probably crash on the hills but I realized that I loved the feeling of "race pace" - being out of breathe, your muscles contracting forcefully, and your body working hard to go forward. I missed this incredibly! Mile 4 to 5 brought us through the Stockade which is always beautiful and the people are super excited to be spectating. It is also flat so my time wasn't as fast but I realized that I could break 1:45 if I just keep up the pace that I was going until we went uphill and then I just couldn't blow up and I would be fine - 11:03.90. Mile 5 to 6 we started the big climb. I knew it was coming but wasn't sure what to expect on the new course. This hill went up, then up some more, then up some more. I was breathing hard and kept saying to myself "This feels great! I've been through so much worse than this and this is a GREAT pain!!" I was even excited in my mantras to myself. Up the hills I still ran an 11:23.22. The 10K mark lead to a nice flatish part of the course through the cemetery which was beautiful and quiet. But then we climbed again. I knew though that once I was up this hill it was pretty much flat and the Sara and Mark were waiting for me there. Mile 7 - 11:37.84. Sara and Mark were waiting at the top! A little arm pump of excitement and Sara telling me to pass the 6 people in front of me and I went. I was loving the pain of running fast!! People are afraid of this but not me. I learned before cancer that if I pushed past my limit then someone would be there to pick me up but I would be proud to say that I pushed for my goal. I was back in that same place today. I LOVE TO RACE!!! I may not be fast but I push myself hard and I love the way it makes me feel. I haven't really done this since last February! I picked off 6 people while going down the little hill. Mile 8 - 11:38.55. I saw Josh running toward me and I had a smile on my face (like I did most of the race - this was a fantastic experience for me). He left his running partners and came over and cheered me on even telling me how he knew how much this meant to me and that made me run even faster. I was picking people off left and right! This meant so much to me and I had great people waiting for me at the finish line!! I was running much faster than I have run post cancer surgery and chemo and I could feel every moment of it. I kept telling myself that I know how bad I can feel from chemo and I have been through worse and this is cake compared to that. I wanted this so much! I was hitting my edge of how fast I could go and was wondering if I could make it at this pace but there was no way I was giving up this pace unless I absolutely had to. I rounded the park and saw Sara and Mark again! I pushed even harder. I was angry that the couple behind me would run hard, then she would whine and complain then they would stop and walk and then run by me again - I just wanted to yell at her "You don't know what pain feels like buttercup! Suck it up! A woman going through cancer treatments is kicking your ass!" But instead I smiled knowing what I was accomplishing. Mile 9 - 10:45.17. I pushed harder since I was only 0.3 miles away from the finish line. I could hold this pace for a max of 4 min right?? I rounded the pond and saw my cousin Stacey and just smiled! I did it! I saw Mark and Sara and smiled even bigger! I did it!! The last 0.3 miles in 3:16.50. I broke my goal and am super excited about it!!! What did I do in celebration? I went home and took a nice bath and then a nice, long nap!!! What a great day! I'll be sore tomorrow but it is worth it! I missed racing. Next up, Rothman 8K in Philly next weekend and the Troy Turkey Trot 10K and possibly the 5K as well with some friends! Then we start the new year with the Hangover Half! It's going to be a great end to the year - I have a feeling!

My first 10K post cancer

On October 20, 2012, I completed my first 10K post cancer. This happened 7 months post surgery, 7 1/2 weeks post chemo, and after week 23 of herceptin treatments. I have been running "long" runs every weekend for the past 4 weeks. This makes me super happy as that is what we do as runners. This weekend was going to test me a bit since the furthest I had run prior to this was 5 miles at 12:25 pace. We showed up at the Great Pumpkin Challenge and were looking for familiar faces but were surprised to not see many but there were a lot of people there. I got to go through all of my normal pre-race traditions but I wasn't nervous at all. I wasn't going to try to PR today so the only thing I needed to do was run 6.2 miles. I found the porta potties. Said hello to a woman I met at my Monday night training group who was running her first 5k and found my friend Bethany. Bethany is another cancer survivor who will tell me what she is thinking without sugar coating anything when I have questions. She was going to run the 5K today. We walked over to the starting line talking about how I had signed up for the race not knowing if I would be able to run the 10K but knowing that I would have the option to bail at the 5K turn if I needed to but I wanted to run it so I was going to do it. As many of you know, if I want to do something, I will find a way to do it. I am stubborn. I also learned today that I am also very determined to have other people do what I want them to do with me - some may say "Bossy in a nice way" others say "Influential". I did not try to convince anyone to do this race with me though - this was all on my own. I need my mental time to deal with life and racing makes me focus and let all things in my mind go and I LOVE that! Bethany and I also discussed cancer research and how much of the cancer research is focused on post-menopausal women and little effort is made to find a way to focus on the QUALITY of life post cancer for women of our age just the QUANTITY of life. This frustrates both of us. The gun went off and we both went our separate ways. I knew that I needed to make this just another long run and not a race or else I would potentially crap out at the end. But... I love to race. I love to push myself. I love to feel my heart working. I love the pull of your muscles on the bones and propelling you forward. I love passing people and when they try to pace off of you, you kick it up and they can't hang. I love it all. The first mile was difficult - there were way too many people for Saratoga State Park. There were a ton of first time 5Kers who don't know race etiquette and the idea that if you are walking you start at the back, that if you are slower you start toward the back, that if you need to walk during the race you move toward the outside, that if a runner talks to you you don't ignore them, or that you shouldn't just stop in the middle of the road. So I was forced to weave around people almost immediately. The second mile we went on a path so we could get to the Avenue of the Pines. There were still so many people around I was weaving in and out. Once we turned down the Avenue of the Pines I saw Mary. I said hello and kept running! I was starting to warm-up around this point - this is not atypical of my pre-cancer body. I never was warm until mile 3 of most races/runs - which is why I hate 5Ks. I feel like my body is the same in this way and it gives me hope! I started to pick up the pace a little as we got back on the road and had less people around me. I watched as the 5Kers turned right and I went straight into what I knew was unknown territory for me - miles 3.1 to 6.2 which had some pretty nice hills. I knew there was potential for me to slow down a lot but wasn't worried about it at all - I just wanted to run this far. The race was so large that I had a massive group in front of me and a lot of people behind me. This is when I was extremely happy with my run. I am not good on hills at all right now (neither am I good with speed) but I will run them because I CAN! I felt strong. I was racing - not at my pre-cancer race pace but I was running faster than I normally do. I was passing people. I would see someone in front of me and plan to go get them. I was getting stronger as the race went on. The feeling was beautiful - this is the feeling runners long for and keep running to get on that special run where all things feel good. It was difficult in a good way. It was hard in a great way - I WAS RUNNING!!! I never had to convince myself to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, it just happened. I felt great! While I was racing, I would go past people who were struggling (5K and 10Kers) and I would think, "How's it feel to be passed by a woman undergoing cancer treatments!" or "What is your reason for walking? Are you tired from cancer treatments?" I know these were mean thoughts. On the other hand though, I wore my hat the entire time. Not because I needed it, it was because I just wanted to be seen as a runner and not a cancer patient. I was passing people as Kelly, the RUNNER!!! I entered into the last part of the race and saw Bethany and was super excited to know what I had done post chemo. Bethany was the perfect person to run this part with me - she was as excited as I needed her to be because I recognize that this is big. A 5Ker was not me before cancer and won't be me after cancer. But when I can start racing a 10K, this means I am getting stronger and becoming a DISTANCE RUNNER again. I was not ready to give up my distance running career when I was diagnosed and this race made me believe that I can get it back. I will get stronger and faster in the next few months. I have lost 6 of the 20 lbs I put on and will take off the rest because I say I will. This race was a starting point for me. It was slow: 1:12.24. But I ran a negative split and got faster the longer I ran. I ran 5 miles 5 min faster than I ran 5 miles last weekend too. I love being part the running community again and can't wait to run races where I know most of the people in the race. I look forward to what is possible in my new running career!

Swimming again... And other things

Disclaimer: I am very honest about my week here. Please do not comment on being too hard on myself. This is who I have always been and cancer won't change that. I wouldn't have gotten to accomplish the things I have accomplished in the past without this drive. Right now, it is tough for me to know I am not who I used to be and I expected to get back to "normal" more quickly than I have been able to. Here it goes... I went back to the pool this week. I was away on Monday working in the garden for the last time this year. Tuesday was my treatment day and I take that day off because I work and by the time I get home after treatment I want to eat dinner. So, Wednesday became my day to swim. I got to the pool around 2 pm and while sitting in the parking lot I was all of a sudden worried. Things I hadn't thought of occurred to me. I was all of a sudden scared to go in. Questions filled my head. Where was I going to get changed? Although I am comfortable either wearing my prosthetic boobs or not wearing them at times, I am very uncomfortable about getting changed around others. I have huge scars. I have to remove my fake boobs. I have a spare tire around my center that I am working on getting rid of. What if someone says something to me? What is someone sees me? You can see my scar when I wear my bathing suit. I don't want to be the one to change in the bathroom - I am more confident than that. What if someone says something about my lack of hair? All I want to tell people when they ask about the hair is "I just wanted to be radical?" but I don't have that personality. What if I can't swim????? I finally told myself that if I don't go in, cancer wins and that is not me. So, I went in. I was disappointed that there were a lot of people at the gym at 2 pm. I was thinking I was going to have to circle swim because of how many people were swimming. I didn't know how fast or slow I was and which lane would be right for me so I was happy when three people got out of one lane at the same time. I swam the first 50 slow and easy and my breathing was perfect. My balance was good. I was SWIMMING! Then at my 150 yard time I started getting some soreness in my shoulder. I thought it must have been because of the port. I stopped, stretched, and then went again. Another 150 and the pain got a little worse. I was determined to do 500 yards though. I had to figure out where this pain was originating from. The closer I got to 500 though the more painful it was. I had to stop reaching with my right arm completely. But I swam. I left knowing that my pain wasn't around my port but wasn't sure where it was coming from. I left swimming wondering if I was going to be able to swim with this port in. Was the pain from scar tissue being stretched? Was it referred pain from the port? Would I be able to train for the REV3 Old Orchard Beach? Was all of the things that I want to do not going to happen because of cancer? I have said cancer can have 1 year of my time but no more and I am already looking at more than a year and I was pretty frustrated and angry about this swim. This swim left me worried. I just kept saying to myself, it will get better. I was so frustrated I went home and since it wasn't raining at that moment, I went for a run to get rid of my anger and frustration like I used to do. It was another frustrating event though because I ran 1.7 miles in 20 min. It was slow and still felt like it was a really difficult. UGH!!!! Can't I just have one piece of my former life back!!! So, Thursday I decided to go back to Hot Yoga. I needed the relaxation and, although it was a different class than last week, last week went well so I could do this. After doing 4 sets of vinyasas with plank to downward dog, my instructor had the class do side planks. I sat back on my heals and actually laughed at myself. I was being shown again how much I still can't do. Then my IT band and hamstring cramped up - my body reminding me that this was harder than last time. Yippie! Another reminder of what I am still not able to accomplish. I failed at yoga that night. I have been facing failing to do what I expect a lot recently. Maybe failure is not the right word. I have been trying and not getting better. I am trying to see myself as a beginner again but beginners put in the work and progress - getting faster and capable of going farther. I am not getting faster. I am pushing to go farther yes, but faster, no. I know that I am able to go longer but speed is still really difficult because I still can't carry enough oxygen to do the speed. I am FRUSTRATED!!!!! I wanted to recover faster than I am. I was told that herceptin wouldn't have any effects on me and I would get back to being myself fairly quickly - Bologna (I used my filter here). The better I feel on a daily basis while getting away from chemo (7 weeks this Tuesday), the more I feel like I should be getting back to being me. This is not happening. I am being faced with more complicated situations that deal with a life happening post cancer. I am being faced with the person who I am compared to the person I want to be. This is extremely difficult for me. Even writing about this makes me want to cry because I am finding it hard to be faced with not being able to accomplish what I want to accomplish on daily basis. It is hard to not succeed in the athletic area that I desperately want to get back to on a daily basis. I am watching other people's lives move forward but mine is crawling through treatment. But I keep getting back on that proverbial bull. It has to get better. I will find the day where cancer isn't the only thing that I think of most of the time. I will find the day when I can just run and have a crap time and just feel like - "Oh, well, it happens sometimes" instead of "My running isn't progressing because of cancer treatments." It has to happen at some time. But again, if I didn't go back and try to swim again, cancer wins. So on Friday, I went back. Again, the fear associated with the locker room had me sitting in my car but I got out and went inside. I got my suit on and got in the water. 100 yards - pain in my right shoulder. I stood at the wall and knew I was not going to give up this easily so what could I try that may make a difference. I normally only breathe on my left side so I thought, lets try to breathe on the right side. I also thought this would allow me to see what I am doing with that arm and maybe it was a positional issue. I tried and no pain. Problem with breathing on this side - I suck at it. My balance is all off. My body position is all off. I can swim well enough while breathing on the left side but on the right it is soooooo hard! But there is no pain. So, I did the rest of the 500 yards on that side - it was not pretty (I believe I probably looked like a flailing whale). I am choosing to believe that this will ultimately lead me to becoming a better swimmer. When I figure this out, I will have balance on both sides of my body in the water. This will make me a faster swimmer. But it will also mean I have to work really hard to make this happen. This weekend I was able to go for a 5 mile run with a running partner who is training for her first marathon in two weeks. I was excited because she was tapering so we could go my speed and it wouldn't be such a big deal. We did 5 miles in 62 min. Why am I still running 12 min 25 sec miles? UGH!!!! Well, I left this run and decided it was my shoes so I bought a new pair of running shoes. That will make it better. If not, at least they are pretty! My oncology nurses tell me I am too hard on myself and I know that is true but I really want the old me back and I am facing on a daily basis the fact that this may never happen. This is hard for me. I hope that I can learn to be more patient but I really want these parts of my life to be normal again.

Two weeks recap and a 4 miler

The day after my last blog, I went back to my surgeon to have a check on how I am healing. As many of you know, I have opted to not have reconstruction. This did come up during our appt. I am so unusual (being 33 and opting to spend the rest of my time on Earth without breasts) that he was surprised that I have not changed my mind. He obviously doesn't know me well as he thought I would change my mind! My prosthesis are working out for me and I love the feeling of running without sports bras and being able to breathe! Joe said that my doctor is invested in me being "normal" again and wants me to have all of the normal things women my age have. I think this is a learning process for me but as I'm running more, I am very excited about the things I can do without them. We also discussed port removal. I thought it would be a quick recovery time with me being able to get back to swimming, biking, and running within a week of the removal. I was very disappointed to hear that it will be at least 4 weeks off from running and swimming. This posed a problem for me as I am doing REV 3 Old Orchard Beach in August and I cannot afford to take off a month between May and June and still be prepared for the race. This made me really upset as I just want to have it removed to signify the end of my cancer treatment. As I was able to talk to Joe, Mary, and Jeanne, I realized that I have the ability to determine my treatment and have decided to wait until after the race to have it removed. This will give me time to take off after the race but still get in some of my fall race season and then get to Ironman training. It gets rid of my ability to do Ragnar Relay, possibly not be able to do the Boston Medley, and I will not be able to do a fall marathon but the big things of a 70.3 and a 140.6 are still on the table. The next week I went to see my oncologist. We discussed how I am recovering more quickly than most people do from chemo but how frustrated I am that I am not recovering more rapidly. I want to be back to my pre-surgery running self soon! I want to run how I normally did. I want my weight to come off more quickly. I made the decision to go back to being a vegetarian (but allowing myself to eat fish) again to aid in my weight removal too. I also thought that I am tired of the crap they are putting into me each week so I want to eat more cleanly to help my body through the process. I know I need to be patient - which when it comes to swimming, biking, and running, I am not. I recently told a friend of mine that Ironman almost prepared me for this because training for an Ironman is really hard work, it's painful, exhausting, it takes a long time to train for. I am working just as hard right now to accomplish a fraction of what I did for Ironman but I am working toward being an athlete again, not only an athlete but a TRIathlete. This appt had an interesting discussion about the drug tamoxifen. I had made a pro and con list to taking the drug and in the pro column it has one thing: decrease the chance of getting breast cancer again. In the con column I had 10 things listed. I had thought that post chemo things would get easier. I was wrong. It just becomes more complicated. I'm on a drug (Herceptin) that has many side effects including potential cardiac toxicity (which I am petrified of every day as this could take away many parts of my life before that I loved and made me happy), it makes me tired, it makes my joints ache on a daily basis, and it has slowed my recovery from chemo. Tamoxifen has many potential side effects as well including uterine cancer, cataracts, weight gain, blood clots, and many more. When I bring up the side effects I am told often that there are other drugs to "fix" the side effects. I started doing research on it and realized (and I'm not alone with this one) I don't just want to know that I am going to be cancer free - which I won't know because I could end up with another more aggressive form of cancer - but I want a great quality of life. I want a great quality of life for the next 50 years and I worry that I won't have that if we keep just giving drugs on top of drugs on top of drugs. I have worked my ass off to be off of asthma and arthritis meds my entire life. I don't want cancer to change that for me. This discussion of my life post chemo actually made me cry. I don't feel like there is a correct choice. I feel like I am picking the lesser of two evils and I hate being in that situation. I actually let me feel sorry for myself for an hour then got pissed off at myself for doing this, talked to a few people about what they did, realized what my decision was, and then felt completely at peace with myself. This is my life and I want to live it, for me, on my terms. And I will. This weekend I ran the Lake Placid Pub and Brewery's Octoberfest 5K! My second race went much better than the first one. The course clocked on my GPS at 3.2 miles and I completed it in 37 min. This was also much hillier than the last one. It had amazing views of Whiteface Mtn and the leaves were beautiful. The day was a perfect running day. I am still super competitive too. I couldn't take that these people were passing me, walking, I would pass then, and then they would run again and pass me. I had had enough of that so I started running faster - AND IT FELT GREAT!!! I missed racing. I loved every minute of this race. I even finished and went back out for another mile! I will be ready for the Great Pumpkin Challenge 10K in two weeks!!! I did have a moment this past week when I was trying to come up with a plan for running and I realized I now have to train like a beginner not like my Ironman mind wants me to. I am being kind to my body but loving the progress. I bought a bathing suit today. I want to get back into the pool last week but realized I didn't have a bathing suit that fit me. Today we went and purchased one. Wow, it made me realize where all of my weight is which was super difficult. I also realized how obvious my scars are when I am wearing the suit. But I want this. So I will go swim this week. Maybe it will only be 100 yards but I will swim. In closing, fall is being very good to me in many ways. It is challenging in others. I am working hard to maintain my positive attitude and appreciating that I am able to swim, bike, run, and go to hot yoga again. I am loving that with these cooler days, it is less obvious to others that there was something wrong or I have a port because of the layers of clothes and my winter hat being worn while out in the cold (Joe knows this and laughed at it so I can share, I even got hit on last weekend by a guy at Ragnar (not a runner and he wasn't drunk or delirious from not sleeping)). I love being treated as normal again. I am tired of being treated with kid gloves. I am one tough chick and want to be treated like one.

My 1st 5K post cancer treatments

I did a 5K today! My husband and my father were going to do the race. We asked my niece Lila if she wanted to run with me as this would be the only opportunity for me to run with her and want to take my time. We anticipated her wanting to do a lot of walking during the race so it would be perfect for us to get her into a 5K. She was unsure if she wanted to do the race last night but said she was going to do it. We woke up this morning and I gave her an option of not doing it and she looked at me and said "I want to do this!" Off we went to sign up. (I am loving race day registration this year.) We got on the starting line and she was next to me. We started together and she turned to me and said "Go faster Kelly!" I told her I couldn't but that she could go ahead without me. And she did! Within 100 meters of the start she was on her own! She had her grandfather in her sites though and she wanted to run with him when she couldn't run with me. She ended up running a 35 min 5K which is pretty impressive considering that she is 11, the longest she has ever run is 1 mile at a time, and we went for a 7.5 mile bike ride the day before! She did remind me at the end of the race that she beat me too! I am so proud of her! I also realized that I have done a great job not allowing my nieces and nephews to see me as sick. She just left me and wasn't concerned that I couldn't do this - in her mind, this was my normal thing to do. She has been complaining that I am really slow and should go faster on the bike and run. Joe has been telling her to remember these days when she can beat me because it will be a different story next summer. I am actually hoping she can keep up - I would love to bring her on longer rides and have a running partner when she is around! That would make me happy. I had not run more than 1.5 miles with the strategy of run 1/2 mile then walk until I get my breathing under control then run 1/2 mile before today. Today I ran 0.7 miles then walked 0.3 miles, then ran 0.7 miles then walked 0.12 miles then RAN the rest! I got to a point where my legs finally moved like they were running and I felt the tightness in my calves go away. I was actually running! I have been complaining that I am experiencing the same things I felt when I was a beginner runner. I can't remember how I dealt with them back in 2001 but I am mentally much stronger now and know what it feels like to be in great shape so I will work through these tightness issues with the knowledge that I can get back into great shape if I just keep at it. This knowledge that I know what I am capable of gives me an edge that most people don't have so I am very fortunate in that area. Today, I was not fast. The run was not pretty but I was just running. It really reminded me of a late stage Ironman marathon shuffle but it was not an Ironman, it was a 5K! I can tell you that in my past long distance athletic career, I hated 5Ks. They were too fast for me - it hurt the entire time because you had to push hard from start to finish. I hate that I have to be a beginner again and I am nowhere near where I want to be in the pack. I hated my pace. I hated that I was third from last at the finish. BUT... I am so very excited to know that I could/can do this! I questioned my abilities like I have done 7 other times (marathons and Ironmans) and numerous times in the late stages of 1/2 marathons while pushing my pace - "Can I do this?" But it came down to me mentally saying to myself "Yes, you can!" I went over how much this meant to me. I went over how this was easier than recovering from surgery and going through chemo. I went over the mantra I use in Ironman "Just keep moving forward". I knew how much I loved that I was doing this and that this meant that I was on my road to the hangover half on New Years Day which I was questioning as of last Wednesday. I know that I am on my way to my 70.3 next year and my 140.6 in 2014! This day means so much to me and I am very proud of myself! I feel dangerous right now because I feel like I can do anything I put my mind and heart into and I love this feeling! I am on my road forward to the time where cancer is in my past and I am getting back to my old life! This is how much running means to me. Running links me to what I was before and I haven't been involved in that world since March 14th. I am glad to have done this race where no one knew I had cancer and I could just slog it out but it made me realize how excited I am to get back into the racing world and see my friends out on the run instead of seeing them after they have finished. I get to participate again and I am excited! Although I am still working on kicking cancers ass through Herceptin weekly treatments, I am running again! Here I come!

Learning from my students

I am in a situation where I went back to work, everyone knows I had cancer, everyone knows I had surgery, everyone knows I had chemo and am still getting treatments once a week, I have no hair, and I am a little bigger than I was before I left in March. This lack of hair has only been a "problem" for little children all summer long and they don't know enough not to stare which I am perfectly fine with. When I returned home from living in the Adirondacks, this was the first time that I had issues with people staring at me. I went to Target and Price Chopper twice and had adults stop in the middle of the store and actually stare at me and follow me. They allowed their children to scream out in the middle of the store "That girl has no hair" and did nothing to repremand or inform them that this was inappropriate but just turned and looked at me. I really wanted to yell at them for being extremely rude and inappropriate but I didn't. It was not fun though. I was not having a good day both of these times and I really wanted to hide in a corner and ask my husband to come and get me. But I didn't. I just kept shopping. This was the first time I was concerned about working with my students with all of these changes in me. My niece Lila (11 yrs old) pointed out that people were staring at me when we were out once and she asked "Don't they know it's rude to look at people like that?" I told her that some people have no manners and it was ok but she was very unhappy about this situation. I hoped this would be the reaction my students would have to me. I knew I needed to make sure my students knew I was ok and that life was moving forward and they could interact with me as they normally would. After my Target/Price Chopper experiece I was worried about how they would react to me. I went back to work 3 weeks ago and I can say that my students have been fantastic! They do not stare at all. They treat me as if I was the same person that I was before I left in March. I am so happy that my students are adult enough to treat me with respect. I wish all people out there who make fun of or stop and stare at people with "differences" would learn from my students and know that this is not how we act. I am in no way suggesting that my students are adult in all other ways - they are typical teenagers - but right now, they make me very happy in the way they are reacting to me. They are also learning that it is ok to joke around with me about my lack of hair - I pointed out how I don't know how the boys have crew cuts, don't their heads and necks get really cold, and there was a pause before they responded and laughed. I appreciated this. They are learning that I want to laugh through this because otherwise how would life be this much fun! I am thankful for them. I am proud of them! I am glad I am their teacher! On another note: Good news: my platelets are up and I am running again (actually it is a run/walk but I am doing it). I am up to 1.5 miles and, although it is slow, I am so happy to be running in the beautiful fall weather. Bad news: My white blood cells, red blood cells, and hemoglobin counts went down last week. My bone marrow just isn't keeping up yet. But it will! It can only get better from here.

143 days

Last Monday I went for a bike ride with my niece and felt immediately like I was going anaerobic, every muscle burned, I couldn't breathe. It was the worst ride of my life. I was in granny gear the entire time and felt like I was still trying too hard. I knew there was something very wrong on that ride. The next day I had my Herceptin treatment and found out that my RBC count was 2.58 million where the low end of normal is 3.8 million and my hemoglobin levels were 8.8 g/dl where the low end of normal is 11.9 g/dl. These numbers were the reason for me feeling horrible. I decided to give myself a week to heal without pushing my biking especially since I went back to work. I have been feeling really great though the past two days so I decided to get on my bike and just try to see how it felt. It felt great. I didn't really push too much but I also was not really out of breathe either. I am looking forward to seeing what my blood work shows this week and I am really excited that I am going to see it edge closer and closer toward normal every week from here on out since I am done with chemo! I am really happy about being done and becoming me again. On my bike ride today I was thinking about training - I miss having a training plan so much. I have been given a fabulous gift because of my friends Sarah and Jeremiah. I have been given an entry into Rev3 Old Orchard Beach 70.3 triathlon for next August. The people at Rev3 and Sarah and Jeremiah are allowing me to do something that means a lot to me and I am so grateful. I had been worried about how I can go from zero training to a 70.3 in one year but on my bike today I realized how I can do it. Starting tomorrow, September 10, I have 143 days until February 1. February 1 is the first day of my training for the race. This gives me 143 days to get back into a basic workout/triathlon shape, lose the weight I put on during chemo, and get myself able to swim and run with my new body. Then starting on Feb 1st will give me 6 months and 1 week to train for the race and 2 weeks to taper for the race. Starting on February 1st is also significant becasue that was the day I found out that I had something wrong with me - my doctor felt the benign lump in my breast that day which ultimately lead to my mammogram and my cancer diagnosis. February 1st is also my husbands birthday. I know that February 1st saved my life last year but I want to make February 1st show that I am really alive through starting my training plan! What a way to show cancer who's boss! So, this is the plan and I am more than excited about it! I have dreams of crossing the finish line of a 70.3 and a 140.6 again and it is the most amazing feeling in my dream. I can't wait to cherish that finish line again next summer. I also want to say that I went back to work this week. I was petrified to do this. I knew I needed some "normal" but wasn't sure how this would go. I wasn't sure how my students would react to me. I wasn't sure how my coworkers would respond to me. I can say that I am extremely happy to be back in the classroom. We haven't talked about cancer at all but I'm sure it will come up at some point and that is ok. I hope that I can show them that you have an option everyday of your life to get up and try or you can decide not to participate in life. Like the song says - I hope they dance! I do almost everyday and it puts a smile on my face. I hope I can teach them not only science but to be happy because life is good. Even when the situation that you are in is less than positive, there are so many things to be happy and grateful for and life is too short to be angry all of the time. I hope they learn to do positive things that make them happy. Even with all of the crazy new state mandates, I am thrilled to be back at work!

Last Chemo Treatment and Back to Work

Tuesday, August 28th was my last chemo treatment. Yippie! I was so excited to have it done that I was convinced the nausea, the feeling of exhaustion would be better this time. It was better in that I knew I would feel better soon but it really sucked. I'm finally on the upward swing of this and I know it will just continue to get better which makes me really happy. August 28th will always mean to me the end of chemo and one year earlier Hurricane Irene which damaged the place I love the most - Keene Valley. On both occasions though, I have left that day with a great feeling of community. I learned how good people are through both flood cleanup and cancer treatments. I feel so happy to be surrounded by people who would do so much for me - in some instances people who do not know me well did a lot for me and my family during both of these times. I am so grateful for all of the support during these journeys. I would ask that next summer, it end on a more positive, happy note - I believe it will be at the finish line of Rev3 Old Orchard Beach 70.3 in Maine surrounded by some really amazing triathletes who will be helping me achieve that success. Tomorrow I start a new journey. I go back to work (part-time)! I am scared and worried but completely excited about this. I get to have some independence from my husband - I have felt completely dependent on him since surgery and we had separate time before cancer, I am excited to have that time again. He needs a break from me too. I get to be a professional again not just a cancer patient. I realize that by taking a 60% position I will be losing money in this process but I had a lot of people help me plan for that and I think I am very capable of keeping us on a budget for the next year. I figure I'm 60% teacher and 40% stay at home wife! I am looking forward to when my appetite returns to normal going shopping once a week for food. I look forward to having time to workout in the morning when Joe gets up to go to work. I am excited to begin a new school year as the new me. I am one step closer to the end of cancer treatments but I still have a way to go with tomorrow being 17 out of 52 Herceptin treatments done. I am sure I will find a rhythm in this new situation and I am really excited about branching out of the cancer patient situation and venture back to a "normal" place for me! Every year I get to pick a theme song for the school year. This year I pick "Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes! I think it's fitting!

Platelets

I went into the beginning of last week feeling slightly better than I did all of last week. My Herceptin treatment went as usual - no big deal. Then we received my blood work results. I get blood work done almost every visit to see how chemotherapy is effecting my body and we have come to expect that my platelets are low and my red blood cells are generally low too. This time my platelet count came back at 68k. Chemotherapy will not be administered if my platelets are below 100k and the normal platelet count is generally considered over 150k. My nurses assured me there was not much that I could do to make my bone marrow work appropriately except for be healthy and be well rested. After the appointment, Joe and I walked to the car and we took the three flights of stairs in the parking garage (I may be a cancer patient but I can still walk to my car is still my mantra). I was extremely winded at the top of the stairs due to my low red blood cell count. This prompted a conversation about running. Joe and I discussed and came to the conclusion that running is not in my best interest right now. Now, I have been struggling with running - low red blood cells leave me unable to move enough oxygen around my body to make it really enjoyable. So, for now, I am going to hang up my running shoes. I am also going to repair the love/hate relationship I have with my bike on short (7 to 10 mile), easy rides. No hills in my life right now! I am tired a lot but as long as I sleep at night and take a nap during the day, I can maneuver through the day really successfully. I felt like I received two really big pieces of bad news in one day - this was disapointing but I kept reminding myself how lucky I was to be where I was and with my husband so that made it much better. The only problem with me having a low platelet count and a verging on too low RBC count is that my doctors will delay my last round of chemotherapy if it stays low. This is not an option to me. My last round is scheduled for August 28. If we delay this, then I start work and have my last round of chemotherapy on the same day or I work a full week and then have chemotherapy. I want this to be over sooner rather than later as well. I honestly don't know how I would handle school and chemo but it would only be a week and I am capable of anything if I put my mind into it. As per my usual OCD/need to have control over every situation, I immediately went home and started researching foods that can help increase blood cells. I was helped with this search by a friend as well. I have been diligently eating lots of fruits and veggies - thank goodness it is summer and I can eat almost exclusively from my garden and the farmers market. The only thing Daci found that crossed the line that I will not try is shark oil - although if they don't go up next week, I may be searching for that! I am visualizing my bone marrow producing more cells every day. I am also giving my bones a pep talk on a daily basis. I desperately want my body to get itself together and get through this. I will say that as of Friday my body feels leaps and bounds better than it had been feeling but this is normal and I can just hope this means my bones are taking in all those beautiful nutrients and helping me out. After my last round and a couple of weeks to allow the drugs to leave my body, I am planning my detox diet - this may include a revisit of my former vegetarian diet! For now, I would encourage positive throughts on platelet renewal.

6 months

6 months ago today... My life changed. I received a phone call while I was on the way to a faculty meeting. My friends Heather and Jeanne saw the look of concern as I navigated my way to a more private area through the flow of teachers headed to the meeting and followed me. During that phone call, my entire world was collapsing around me and they comforted me. I was told I had cancer. In the 6 months that have followed, a lot has happened. I have had surgery, made my way through 5 out of 6 rounds of chemotherapy, and 13 out of 52 weeks of Herceptin. I have relied on friends and family for things I never thought I would have to rely on them for. I have had allergic reactions to anti-nausea medications which really sucks as I am relying on only one anti-nausea medication to get me through chemotherapy. I have lost all of those beautiful Ironman muscles and gained between 15 and 20 lbs - I am very unhappy about this. I have had to deal with a fear that I would never have thought I would have had to deal with - the fear of losing myself, the fear of having chemo effect my heart, the fear of losing my ability to run, swim, and bike like I used to especially since I made decisions with regards to surgery to keep those as an integral part of my life. I was training for an Ironman - which is really hard but in the last 6 months I have learned a new level of hard. In Ironman training, I know exactly what distances or times I have to accomplish on that day. I know that there is an end to each and every workout. Chemotherapy and cancer have no definite ends when it comes to feeling nauseous or keeping my RBCs up. I have no idea sometimes how my body will react to the chemo drugs. This is harder than any Ironman I have completed. I have had to watch people around me do things that I love to do and not be able to join in. I have no hair (looking pretty bad-ass if I do say so myself so I don't see this as a bad thing). I have had to try to learn to roll with the punches - this is really hard when all of your life you were a planner. I have had to change how I live life. BUT... I am grateful to have an amazing support system starting with my husband. He has had to deal with me and my crazy a lot more as chemo has progressed. I am so happy to have people around me who love and support me. Without the fabulous people around me, my life would be very different. I love my life even with all of the things in my life that are not quite as I would have designed them. I have a lot of people who are pulling for me and I can't wait to move through this and make them proud. I can't wait to have them at my side or at the finish lines of all of my races in the future because they will have had as much a part of my success as I have. I have been called an "inspiration". I don't know about that. I am just a girl who wants to be me again and will work really hard for that. I honestly believe that any Ironman in my position would do exactly what I do on a daily basis to get themselves back to where they had planned to go. We talk about 2014 Ironman all of the time and many people are in with me on that 2014 journey. I work everyday just to get back to being me. I have asked my body to try every day and have allowed myself to say yes or no to different situations, but I try every day! 6 months ago today, my life changed. BUT... THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

I've felt better

Sorry its been so long. Life has brought us in many different directions these past few weeks. Ironman weekend was crazy. I was able to pull it together and get to watch my fabulous husband finish his 3rd Ironman! It was not an easy day for him but he pushed through and did what he had to do to become an Ironman again. I have been comparing my chemo treatments with finishing an Ironman. On this day, Joe showed that the hardest part of the Ironman is the marathon sometimes. I have just the marathon portion to complete in this chemotherapy journey. I went into Tuesday feeling ok - a little fatigued but overall in great spirits. After Ironman weekend, we were able to calm down and get ourselves together to have some really relaxing days. I felt recovered from the last round of chemo going into this round. I can see the finish line now and understand that I only have to go through this two more times and not feel well two more times. Tuesday's treatment went by without major issues. My MUGA scan came back with 63.2% efficiency which is down from 65.7% and thus chemo has had a small impact on my heart but from all I have heard it should go back to normal after chemo is finished. My RBC count is still low and my hemoglobin count is also low due to the RBC count. This is allowing me to feel tired a lot of the time. I usually feel good enough to go and eat dinner with Joe out on chemo days. We went out as normal and then within an hour, I did not feel well. I felt so bad that Joe had to find me clothes to wear to bed. Wednesday is a blur - I know that acupuncture helped me with my nausea for the day. Thursday I convinced myself to go out on the bike. This felt excessively slow but helped with nausea for a little bit. Today has been tough. I just want to sleep. I want to feel like me again. I want to have the energy to put on my running shoes and run. I want to not feel sick to my stomach. I know that "This too will pass." I also know that I only need to do this once more. I know that my husband is amazing and is doing great things to help me feel better. I understand that chemo has a cumulative effect, I just didn't expect it to be so intense this time around. Hopefully the last time will be better. I'm awaiting my switch to be pushed so that I can feel better and move forward. It will come. I will get through this round. Only one to go! 13 out of 52 herceptin treatments done too!

Feeling good

This week I feel great. Well, not normal great, but great considering I am going through chemotherapy. I am tired most afternoons with a mandatory nap but I know that I am capable to doing so much this week and I do as much as possible. I wonder if I make myself more tired this week because I want to cram in as much as possible in order to make up for the lack of doing much the other two weeks. What this means to me is that yesterday I went for a 30 minute run which was 2.25 miles. It was hot out and I ran up my first hill which made me slower than my normal chemo slow. I am now in the 13 min per mile range but at least I'm out there doing something. Today I went out for a bike ride where I could meet up with Joe to help him with his last training run for Ironman by giving him Gatorade while he was out running. It ended up being a hot and windy day which didn't help me on the hills. I did parts of the Ironman course and felt immediately drained on the hills with the headwind. Funny thing about this headwind was that I had it on the way out, then a tailwind for 2 miles, and then it was back to being a headwind again - how can that happen. Although it was challenging for me, I finished 17.27 miles (by far my farthest ride since March) in 1 hr 30ish minutes with several stops to drink water, look at the osprey, and just catch my breath. I told my surgeon that my goal of the summer was to finish a 30 mile bike ride. I don't actually see that happening but I am getting closer to that 20 mile mark so you never know. I then proceeded to go for a SWIM!!!! I loved bobbing in Mirror Lake today! I only did about 50 meters but it felt good. I also can't put my head underwater (doctors orders) so I could only do the crawl with my head up - maybe this will help me with sighting when I return to triathlons and open water swims. I am tight from my incisions and my port but I loved feeling the stretch and the resistance of the water. It was glorious. A couple of random things to comment about: 1. I went to visit friends this week to give them some money we owed for a Team Loco jersey Joe will be wearing for Ironman and we got to meet their father who is a beginner triathlete. We talked about Ironman and his upcoming sprint triathlon and said goodbye so they could go back to work. I was later told that he asked if I had shaved my head to be more aerodynamic after we had left!!! I LOVE this. I didn't give off the "I'm a cancer patient!" vibe, just "I'm a crazy triathlete!" vibe. He made my day! 2. I was at a bike shop in Lake Placid today when a little boy commented "That girl is BALD!" His grandmother quickly scolded him about staring and saying comments. I told her it wasn't a big deal because I understand that kids don't understand and I'm not offended. I am wearing a bald head proudly so I expect stares and comments. She later approached me in the store to "teach him a life lesson" and asked me to tell him why I was bald. I did and I told them how I had completed Ironman in 2009 and 2010 and will do another soon because I will be cured. Suddenly the grandmother was hugging me, the little boys mom was crying, and the little boy was watching wondering what the heck was going on. The mom did comment that she is new to triathlons and hopes to do an Ironman someday. I told her maybe I'd see her in 2014! 3. I've decided to take up birding. I know it sounds crazy but after watching the movie "The Big Year", I decided it was going to be my new hobby. Osprey was a nice addition to my list of birds I have seen - Mallard, crow, raven, great blue herron,... I do have a list. I now wish I could id bird songs. I downloaded an app on my phone to help me out! 3. Ironman is coming! Ironman is coming! My favorite day of the year is almost upon us. I am super excited. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning when it comes to Ironman. I can't wait. I love watching the cars with beautiful bikes on them go by the house. I love watching the beautiful athletes in town. I am excited about the banquet. I am excited to volunteer (I'm stuffing bags so when you get your bags at registration, know that I touched them and wished you all luck while doing my job). I am excited to be at the race. I'm excited to see all of my triathlete friends and Iron-spectators. I'm excited to stand in line with those who are signing up for next years race (no, I am not signing up but Joe will be at the finishers banquet so I will go hang out). I'm also excited to go shopping for some new Ironman gear since I can't fit into much of what I currently own! I'm really excited to actually see my husband cross the finish line and become an Ironman again! This is a moment I will remember forever! I have chemo next week. I want next week to be great so I will think positive thoughts about my next chemo treatment. I'm visualizing a positive week while all of the Lake Placid Ironman athletes are visualizing a great race. I will be visualizing a great race soon enough but for now, I'll take a good week next week. Enjoy the beautiful week!

Round 3 retrospective

June 26 and 27th were my last chemo treatments. We found out that I am not allergic to any of the medications they are currently giving me but for some reason I am allergic to the extra anti-nausea drug they were giving me. So we tried a acupressure device to help with nausea. I can honestly say that this round was the most difficult though. By Thursday, I was exhausted (two naps a day exhausted), my nausea levels were manageable but present, and I just generally felt beat up. I was told this would happen but I really was hoping it wouldn't happen to me. This time around this feeling of tiredness and generally not feeling great has stayed with me a little longer than the first two round. I am tired. I look tired. I realized that I need to, as my friend Bethany phrased it, "Say uncle" every once in a while and just say I've had enough for today. This just pisses me off. I want to do what I would normally do in my life and am being forced to acknowledge that I am not who I normally am. As one of my chemo books has told me over and over again, I have to remember that "this too will pass." The heat is also taking its toll. My last herceptin treatment was accompanied by a bag of saline to help me to hydrate as I just don't feel like I can keep up sometimes. You can tell I didn't feel well because for three out of the 5 days from the 26th on, I only biked twice and didn't even try to run. I was just too beat up. Needless to say, I'm not exactly looking forward to the next round but know I will be that much closer to being done once it is over. I was able to go to the Tupper Lake Tinman and see my husband and friends compete. It was a training day for me on how to deal with the heat, early morning, and spectating for Ironman day. We instituted several new rules for the day which seemed to help out. I was able to go to the Boilermaker this past weekend where I was able to volunteer. This weekend was a blast. I loved spending time with friends and my husband. Volunteering was a great time. But my lasting impression of the weekend (and this is something I have been noticing week after week) was that I am so impressed and excited about how wonderful many of my friends and family members have been with me. They make me feel like ME while they are around me. They do not react to my bald head, lack of boobs, and scars at all. They make me feel so comfortable that sometimes I look in the mirror and am shocked by what I see - a bald, pale person with bags under my eyes who resembles a slightly larger version of myself, not the vision of myself that I see in my mind. I laugh at myself every time I am startled by my own image. I've even noticed that I am almost forgetting that I am a person who is going through cancer treatments for a couple of hours each day. This is a great thing. I thank all of you for helping me feel that way! The only people who are struggling with my hair loss are the youngest people I come in contact with. My nephew Cooper (5) knows I got my hair cut but that is all he understands. My niece Sierra (6) has vocalized that she doesn't like me without hair. She doesn't understand cancer, she understands that her family is worried about Kelly, she has been told Kelly is sick, and Kelly has a big sign that something is wrong - she lost all her hair. She told me that "I don't like you without hair. I think you should glue your wig to your head." I have let her know over and over that Kelly will be ok and she wants to believe me but she is unsure of what is going on. She was there for me to go for my first swim (without putting my head underwater) where her sister, Kaelah (8) cheered because she knew this was a big step forward so she got excited for me in that moment. We also let her see the most recent head shaving although she likes my "itty bitty hairs" that form randomly on my head. I also tried to explain what happened to my hair to a little boy (about 3) today so he wasn't afraid of me. He pointed to his own hair and said "It fell out?" Kids are so tough when it comes to this. I don't know how people with children handle this part of cancer. Here are some pictures I wanted to share from the past few weeks! One is from Boilermaker and the other is from Lila's graduation. Great times in my really fantastic life!

5 year anniversary - this is for my husband and your significant others

June 30, 2007 - I married the man I loved! June 30, 2012 - Joe and I will have been married for 5 years! Although we have been together for 17 yrs, we have managed to fall more in love over those 5 years. I can say that I love my husband for all that he has become, all that he has and will do, and everything that he does for me. Doing 5 marathons, 2 Ironmen, and many other races during the past 7 years has made us even closer since we have embraced our shared passions to the fullest extent. This year means even more to me. I was given the first news that I may have had cancer at a routine doctors appointment on February 1, 2012, which was my husbands 33rd birthday. Someone recently said and I agree with them, that this was the best birthday present I could have given my husband - early detection. Because my doctors and I were aware of my risk factors, I was screened early for what was originally thought to be nothing. The phone call I got on February 13 that told me I had cancer changed our lives forever. Joe was not the first to know because I was at work (one of my first questions was "how do you tell your husband you have cancer?") but when I called him, he immediately became my rock, my support, my cheerleader. I will be here with Joe by my side for many years to come because of those dates. This anniversary allows us to not only enjoy the moment but also know that cancer will not take me from him anytime soon or hopefully ever. I am grateful for all of the people around me who are giving me the gift of life through early detection, surgery, treatment, and support. I love this life we have built and am not ready to leave it because we have a lot to accomplish. As Michael Buble said in our wedding song, "...I found strength in you, Cause in my mind you will stay here always in love, you and I... In my mind, we can conquer the world, In love you and I..." We were supposed to be celebrating our anniversary by doing the Tupper Lake Tinman this weekend together. Joe is still doing it and I get to be his lovely cheerleader. This may not be the perfect way we planned it but I will be there and when I do make a comeback, Joe will be my biggest supporter! He will cherish the moment I cross the finish line at my first race with a smile on his face, a big hug and kiss, and probably a tear in his eye because he knows how much this means to me. This means to us. It means I'm back. It means WE are back! This is how marriage is supposed to be. I said these words and I meant every one of them: "For better or worse. For sickness and in healthy." My message to all of you is to do self exams, go to your yearly appointments and have breast exams, call your doctor if you feel something different, get a mammogram when it is indicated for your age, family history, or condition, get a breast ultrasound if you have fibrous breasts, and be proactive about your health. Your loved ones will thank you for this! I wish this disease on no one! It is hard to fight through it but the earlier you find cancer, you give yourself the best chance to treat it and give you the best chance for survival. Do this for yourself. Do it for the ones you love! Happy Anniversary Joe! I love you more and more each and every day! On Saturday we celebrate all we have accomplished and will accomplish together. We have a fabulous future ahead of us with some mountains that are gorgeous to view from the bottom, hard to climb, but rewarding to relax on and enjoy the view. I love you!

1/2 way done with chemo and 13% done with herceptin

I decided to write on my type of cancer to clarify some things. I was diagnosed with stage 1 grade 3 ductal carcinoma. The method of treatment is surgery including lymphnode dissection. This alone does not mean I would have needed chemotherapy and herceptin. My cancer was Estrogen (ER) receptor and progesterone (PR) receptor positive (I scored a 100% here which is great!). This means that my cancer cells bind to estrogren and progesterone and will divide more quickly based on the presence of these hormones in my body. My cancer was also HER2+ (this is also a receptor on my cells) having an overabundance of these receptors allows it to be a very aggressively dividing cancer. On a positive side, there are two targeted treatments for these receptors. One is Herceptin - Herceptin targets HER2+ receptor and destroys these cancer cells. Herceptin is given in weekly doses over the course of 1 year through my blood stream. One is Tamoxifen - Tamoxifen targets ER and PR positive cells and slows or does not allow them to divide. I do not start Tamoxifen until after I am done with chemotherapy. Speaking of chemotherapy, I became eligible/in need of chemotherapy when my cancer came back as grade 3 (more aggressive) and HER2 positive. The combination of the chemotherapy drugs (Taxotere and Carboplatin) and Herceptin and the follow up treatment of Tamoxifen give me the best chance of making a full recovery from cancer and increase my probability for remission for many years to come. The chemo drugs Taxotere and Carboplatin are given to me every 21 days for 6 rounds. These are the drugs that give me the worst side effects or the commonly known chemotherapy side effects. On a positive side, because I had no lymphatic involvement, I do not need radiation treatment when I am done with chemo! After tomorrow, I am 1/2 way done with my chemotherapy treatments! If you read the last post and are an Ironman, a friend or family member of an Ironman, or a person who loves Ironman (doesn't everyone) in my analogy I would be done with the 2.4 mile swim and 56 miles of the bike! If we are talking about the Lake Placid Ironman, this means I only have to get out of Lake Placid on the hills, take a beautifully fast ride down the Keene hills, take a leisurely ride into Ausable Forks, and then climb back into Placid over the shoulder of Whiteface and through the notch. I will know I am close to the finish when I head up the bears toward the transition area! Surprisingly this is very similar to my cancer treatment effects. I've done it countless times before so I can do it again now in a different arena. We administered the drugs differently this time around though to pinpoint my allergic reaction that I have been having. We decided not to give another anti-nausea medication because we are pretty sure it is that which is giving me hives. We decided to give me my other anti-nausea med (Emend), Herceptin, and Taxotere today only as we know Herceptin doesn't bother me so if I get hives tonight it is either Emend or Taxotere. Tomorrow we give me carboplatin and then we head back to camp and hope I do not have hives again. We have also upped my steroid and benadryl to prevent any allergic reaction. Fingers crossed this will work. This means I get two needle sticks in one week which I am not excited about but what are you going to do. Without the extra anti-nausea med we are trying a non-drug method of anti-nausea prevention using a little device I wear around my wrist which gives off little electrical pulses and pushes on a pressure point which is supposed to follow the acupressure principles. Since acupuncture seems to be working it was worth a try for this. I have also completed 13.5% (7 out of 52)of my Herceptin treatments! Those are hour long appointments and a breeze so no worries with them right now! In other news: 1. I received my genetic test back and am BRCA2 positive - this is the same gene my mother has but I know it is not solely the reason I got cancer when I did. We can discuss this at a later time after I have another meeting with the genetics counselor in September. 2. I was told on Friday by my surgeon that my incision looks completely healed! Yippie! He also said that I could "Return to all normal physical activities." Which prompted Shauna to ask "Normal activities for who..you? Or Regular people?" That wasn't clarified in the appointment so I say ME! My next appointment was with my oncologist who said "Just find your limits and don't do too much. You will know and I will know when you have over done it." 3. Thusly I went out in Lake Placid and rode up Mirror Lake Drive, down the bears on 86 to River Road, out and back on River Road and back up the 5 hills to town! It was 15.42 miles in 1 hr 15 min! I figure I will use this experience when I'm on mile 106 of my bike during Ironman 2014 and say to myself, "In life there are hills.." wait that is Melinda's song. I meant, "I did this when I was going through chemo, I can do this easily now! Suck it up and go." Of course there would be expletives in there but I don't know who is reading this! I also did this course so I could feel like an Ironman again, on the Ironman course, with other Ironmen who were passing me extremely easily. But that is ok, I was on the Ironman course again! 4. Running is really difficult but I am doing it! My disappointment lies with the fact that I am putting in the runs but I am not getting faster and they are not getting easier but then I think, "I am going through chemo and RUNNING! That's amazing!" I can't wait till I can go back to running faster than 12 min miles and more than 30 minutes without feeling like I must stop. 5. Do to unforeseen circumstances, I am making the trek home weekly for treatment as my planned destination in the Adirondacks did not work out. This is a long story and not meant for a blog so we can discuss later if you want to. This makes me feel like I am ruining our summer but I keep reminding myself it's only one year and we will be back to "normal" next June! 6. I am going back to work in September in a part time position. There were many factors involved in this decision but ultimately it will be the best move for me. It will be very different but in the long run I know this will give me some structure I need and allow my brain to work in a different way which will be important to my recovery. 7. My diet is crazy right now! I am craving fatty, salty, cheesy foods which are not the things I ever craved before. I have gained about 6 lbs. This is all due to the steroids they are giving me to keep my body from having a reaction to the chemo meds. They make me ravenous and crave crazy things. I have to force myself to eat well on days and other days I just let myself indulge in these cravings. Between the hunger, the much less activity than I am used to, and the quality of food I am eating it is not surprising I am gaining weight but it is making me angry. I keep being told to give myself a break and I will lose it quickly after but I hate working to lose weight. My nutritionist was excited I gained weight though because it means I am giving myself a cushion to roll back on later in chemo treatments just in case. And when I say a cushion, I mean a spare tire around my midsection! On a positive side, I am getting some muscles back slowly! Joe told me last week when I was craving a cheeseburger to just eat it since I already have digestive issues I wouldn't notice a difference. So I ate a couple in the past two weeks. I haven't eaten red meat since last August! We think I am craving the Iron and B vitamins since my Red Blood Cell count is down. I would love to want to eat spinach or other veggies instead but spinach tastes bad to me right now so I won't eat much of it if it is an option. I think I may go back to my vegetarian ways after I am done with chemo just to detoxify my system! But for now, I am giving in to what my body craves to a point. I do call the line at eating at 2:30 am when I am starving! I think that is all for today. Yes, I am up at 1:25 am but it is because my steroids keep me wide awake at night.

1/3 of the way done with Chemo

I refuse to not look at the glass as full. My life is extremely full of great people, experiences, and a bright future. Thus, we will look at chemo as being 1/3 of the way done (sounds better than 2 out of 6 complete). If we were doing an Ironman triathlon, I JUST have a 112 mile bike with some hills, and a 26.2 mile run ahead of me! I have compartmentalized my life like this twice before, now is no different. I'm not going to lie about chemo. It sucks. I haven't felt fabulous since Monday, June 4th but I know that over the next few days life will slowly get better as "This too shall pass!" My stomach and intestines are not thrilled with me. I'm tired. I'm a little puffy from the steroids. I am super sensitive to the heat and sun. My mind wanders a little more now than it did before. I am more than excited to not have hives everywhere again and this time around I did not get migraines! I will say that I was hopeful that I would have consistent reactions each time and I would find a rhythm. I feel completely different this time around than I did the first time around. This scares me as I wanted to be able to plan for the future chemo treatment weeks. I do think acupuncture or Reiki or both have combined to allow for less nausea this time around so I will keep trying those. I did have an interesting day yesterday. My husband, Grace, a couple of friends, and a few former students ran the Lake Placid Half Marathon. This was a race that we originally thought I would be able to run when I was first diagnosed and we didn't think I would need chemo. I watched the race. I have been trying to put my competitive drive on hold for the past few weeks and just enjoy the bike ride or recently, enjoy the run. This hasn't been working for me. I want to push myself. I struggle with how slow I am or how far I can go without fatiguing. I know I should leave my gps at home and just enjoy the time I am "working out" but I have mileage and time limitations so I need some feedback. Yesterday I realized this want and need to be in the race is not going away and I'm embracing it! I figure I have 4 more treatments left which means I have about 15 weeks of not feeling great/not being able to train (wow that seems like a long time). Then from mid-September I should be able to start training again and competing again once I am ready. This means that I am hopeful to be running and being a part of a 5K (maybe 10K) in the fall! Watch out Hangover Half - I may be there too! I miss the wonderful feeling of being in the race so very much. I miss feeling alive while doing it! Watching yesterday made me realize how much I love the camaraderie of running - knowing that you are all suffering and loving it together! I did overdo it a little yesterday and I learned what not to do on Ironman day as a cancer patient spectator. The heat, the sun, the short run, and the early morning definitely was extremely exhausting to me. I will have to be smarter on Ironman day so that I can support all of my favorite people during the race! This weekend also made me realize that I have met a lot of people since my surgery, chemo, and diagnosis. I really wish that they had met me prior to this. I feel very different now than I did prior to cancer. I was an athlete - slow but determined. I was fun - I could have beer back then! I would have been right with you torturing myself on my bike, during the swim, and the run. I know I will be me again soon but I just don't feel like people who are meeting me now are really getting the strong, independent, determined woman that I am. No one, especially not cancer, can take away the fact that I am an Ironman away from me and with that title comes a lot of intense personality traits. Most of these people know my husband as my number 1 fan and supporter but also my caretaker which would never have happened before. I know that I will change based on cancer but I loved who I was before and I am confident that I will be that person again soon. I look forward to training alongside of you and having a post race/workout beverage with you again soon. I am very excited to have you all along with me for my journey as this Ironman will be better than ever again soon.