Vermont City Marathon 2013

Instead of doing a traditional race report I decided to do a list of things I learned during the Vermont City Marathon! So, here it goes: 1. Marathons hurt and I remembered how strong I am when I just kept trucking especially while running into a head wind with rain pelting your face. 2. I went out too fast. If you are a former athlete of mine reading this, you will be laughing since all I used to tell you is "Don't go out too fast". I should take my own advice. 3. I love my running mantras. I employed all of them over and over again. Especially the one "If I'm smiling, it doesn't hurt that badly!" 4. I love the feeling of a finish line! There is nothing like it. 5. I have great friends and family who cheered me on while watching the race in Burlington, while waiting for texts from my husband to see how I was doing, while running the marathon and yelling to me when they saw me, and who decorated my house in celebration of my accomplishment. 6. I am capable of dealing with a lot of nasty weather (rain, wind, 41 degrees) for a long time (5 hrs and 11 min of it to be exact). 7. I loved every minute of every mile of the race and can't wait to do it again! 6 marathons complete, 5 states down, 45 plus DC to go! But I think I'll do an Ironman before I get to the 7th! 7. The last and most important: This wasn't about cancer and conquering cancer when I finally hit the starting line. This was about me being back in the place where I belonged. Where I fit in. I'm BACK!

DONE

I am officially done with cancer treatments! I am extremely excited! April 30 will have a very exciting meaning for a long time. It is the first day of the rest of my life. I decided a celebration was in order. What does that mean to me? It was an 1800 yard swim before work, an 8.88 mile bike ride, followed by a 2 mile run. This was my first brick workout since August 2011 (I think). Why did I decide to do this? Because I can. I was really excited to see a bald eagle on the run as well. It was fantastic. I am not usually a person who believes in symbolic things but I just thought that this was really cool. The symbol of our nations freedom. The bird that was almost extinct and made a comeback was just flying by as I was running my first brick since 2011. Wow! I am also super excited that my marathon training is at its peak for the last treatment. I am doing a 20 miler this weekend and then I am running a marathon May 26th!!! Wow!! I'm extremely excited and fueled internally by a fire that just gets bigger everyday! What a way to celebrate me being alive!! Here's to my freedom, my rebirth, and my comeback!!! April stats are fantastic too!!! Swim: 5.22 miles in 3 hrs 31 min Bike: 165.55 miles in 13 hrs 33 min Run: 106.02 miles in 19 hrs 57 min Total: 276.79 miles in 37 hrs 01 min (not bad for a chick that was going through cancer treatments)

3 to go

I am in all regards "back to normal" except that I am still in treatment once a week. I love that I am training again. I love that I am seeing muscles come back that I haven't seen in a while. I love that my body is responding to training again. I love that I feel better every day. The past few weeks I have started to be resentful of my time in the treatment room, in that chair. I lose 2 hrs each and every week at least to driving to and from an appointment and sitting in a chair and having chemicals pumped into my body. As the weather is getting better and my training intensifying, I am getting more antsy about giving up my time to sit in a chair and have chemicals pumped into my body. I would rather be outside on my bike. I would rather be doing work at school so that I can get out and take a run without wondering when I can get it accomplished. I resent that place for taking my time away from me. I resent cancer for allowing this to happen to me. I feel like my body is repaying me in some ways by allowing me train for 10 hrs a week but I am still not done with cancer treatment. I know that I am doing this to make sure that I have fought cancer and won. But I really just want my life back. I don't blame my oncology nurses for this. They are fantastic. They are the only reason I can endure the time there without really being resentful. Today just was even more irritating because it was beautiful outside and all I wanted to do was go outside and run and I had not only an infusion but also a doctors appointment. There was a 3 hr time suck from my day with 2 hrs at the office and 1 hr of driving time. I have over the past several years made it a priority to not have doctors appointments during the spring or the summer because of my training schedule. Cancer has changed that but I will ultimately get control back soon. So, I have three weeks left. Then if you need me on a Tuesday afternoon, you can be assured I will be doing something challenging and fun, not sitting in a chair!

March Stats

March has been a really great month for me. At this point last year, I was recovering from surgery and now I am in the middle of training for a marathon. I went outside for the longest ride since July of last year and by far the most difficult ride I have taken since the fall of 2011 (19.9 miles on the last day of the month). There are moments when I am doing a 13 miler (yes, I completed my first 13.1 mile run in March since last Jan 1, 2012) or doing speed work or doing sets in the pool (I completed my longest swim since Jan 2012 of 1800 yards this month as well) where I can't even believe what I am doing 7 months post chemo and, more importantly, while going through cancer treatment still! That is amazing to me. I love that my body was capable of doing this. I look back though and realize that I didn't give it an option. I wanted to be back here so badly that I made it happen. Mental toughness is truly most of my success and I knew I had it in me prior to cancer but cancer just made me even more tough. I love when people I haven't seen in a while ask me how running is going and I tell them that I train for the marathon and a 70.3 between 8 and 9 hrs a week and their faces can't register this craziness! I'm extremely satisfied with how things are going and I am excited to see how April goes! So, here are my stats for the month of March - I am extremely pleased!!! Total time training: 32 hrs 22 min with 272.7 miles. Swim miles:5.97 in 4 hrs. Bike miles: 186.9 miles in 13 hrs 30 min. Run miles: 79.83 miles in 14 hrs 53 min.

March 15 - 1 year since surgery

March 14, 2012 - I woke up, went to work, and was visited by most of my co-workers throughout the day. I left work early (after being told it was time for me to go by my partner in crime who knew I was trying to make sure all was in perfect order before I left my students to my substitute that I really didn't know - how stressful) and immediately felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. Why? I think it was because, although work was allowing me to escape from my reality of "cancer patient", it was really stressful to be planning, grading,and putting my teenage students needs in front of my own. I realized I was exhausted from it all. I went and had my sentinel node injection - I know what it would feel like to get my nipples pierced after that one (not that I have them anymore), not pleasant! I went home to take a nap. Then I went back had my scan and went for a really intense 4 mile run and came home to get on my trainer for 40 min, also really intense. I remember all parts of that day vividly. I remember what my body looked like, how it felt to push my body super hard, and how my mind actually found a calm place at the end of the day because the next day was finally the beginning of treating a disease that would potentially kill me if we didn't take action. March 15, 2012 - I woke up, put on my Ironman t-shirt, and Joe brought me to the hospital. I had a double mastectomy. Most of the day is gone to me. I remember a lot of it but there is a huge chuck of it that I was under anesthesia or doped up on a huge dose of morphine. March, 2013 - I have a lot of different feelings on me being "in treatment" for a full year. I don't want to dread March 15 for the rest of my life so I decided that we were going to have a lot of fun for the days surrounding March 15. I had dinner with girlfriends on Thursday. On Friday, I swam the longest swim I have done since January 2012, had a great dinner with my husband, and went to see some new friends. On Saturday, I RACED!!! I mean, full out race pace, want to puke at the end because I'm running at my race pace, RACED!! Runnin' of the Green - a race I couldn't do last year. I broke 40 (39:56) which is fantastic for a girl still in cancer treatment. The last time I did the race in 2011 I finished in 38:22 (my fastest time ever) so I think this is pretty exciting. I forgot how horribly wonderful race pace feels - almost like being beaten up by a bat and running. IT WAS AMAZING!!! Joe and I then had a ton of fun with our St. Patrick's Day celebration. I still have mixed feelings on this day. I said that cancer could have 1 year of my life and I still have 6 weeks left and one surgery in August. I get angry that I still have to go to treatment 1 year later. Although I love seeing my oncology nurses each week - I would prefer seeing them in a more social setting than when I am being infused with chemicals. That really bothers me. Cancer has given me things though too. I have met people who I would never have met if I had not been diagnosed with cancer. These people are great friends that understand me and things that I love including running! I have made connections that have made me a better person. I have inherited an internal drive that I feel like is on super speed. If I want something, I will make it happen. I know I am strong - there is no question in my mind of this after all I have been through. I have less stress in my life - surprisingly - but it is true because I know nothing is really worth that much stress. I love my husband more and more everyday because of all he is and all he has done for me. I have had so many funny things happen to me over the last year too. People can say some really stupid things to people with cancer. I have questions that I do not have answers to, and that is ok! I do not always need a plan anymore, although I will say that I would much prefer one - cancer didn't really change that about me! I must admit that although it has been a tough year that has changed me, I think I am a better person for it. So, we count down to the end of cancer treatments. After April 30, I will have some free time on my hands and after the end of September I will have a life ahead of me that does not include time off for cancer. So, technically 6 weeks until cancer treatments end and 23 weeks until my last surgery. 27 weeks until I am truly done!!!

The 1/2 Marathon That Never Was

I was hoping that I could have done a half marathon on Jan 1 but then I randomly hurt my knee and couldn't. Then Shauna found the Quincy Half Marathon and Joe and I decided - why not! The half was supposed to be this weekend but it was cancelled on Friday due to snow and other reasons that made me realize that I do not believe that the Quincy PD actually ever wanted to hold this race in the first place and the Quincy PD just happened to have a reason to cancel it. This call made me wonder about what is happening to racing where we are so quick to cancel races for heat, snow, etc - but that is another blog altogether. I honestly didn't realize how important it was to me until it was cancelled. I know I am doing better than expected but I really want to conquer a distance race. I have always said that I will really feel like I am back to normal when I finish a marathon and an Ironman. I didn't realize how much I needed to finish a longer distance race. I realized that I didn't see the half as such a huge accomplishment for me initially but now I do - a half marathon 6 1/2 months after finishing chemo would have been impressive. I could have done 13.1 miles today if I wanted to but decided to keep working toward the larger goal of the marathon in the sequence my coach and I both think is appropriate. This means that I did 11 miles. I didn't even realize that this was the longest run I have done since being diagnosed with cancer last February. This was really exciting to me! I am proud of myself for this accomplishment. Although, I will likely be in the 13.1 mile range next weekend and I am hoping the race organizers can convince the Quincy PD to find two weeks from now to be an appropriate date to reschedule but I am not holding out hope. I may be looking to do another half somewhere close by just so I can have the excitement of crossing a finish line of a half sooner rather than later if they do not reschedule. By the way, 8 weeks left of cancer treatment! How exciting!

6 months and counting

6 months ago today I went through my last chemo treatment. I ate Coccadotts cupcakes with the infusion staff when it was all done. I realized recently that I suffered through those last chemo treatments pretty badly but everyday I got up and knew that tomorrow was a better day. I also realized recently that if my infusion nurses weren't so amazing at making the experience more pleasant than it was, I probably would have hated every moment of the last 42 weeks treatments. Every time I go in, I actually have a good time - they are fabulous people who make me feel comfortable and know about my life because I'm there every week. They are some of the reason that I didn't know that I felt horrible. They wouldn't treat me like I am sick and that made a huge difference. I have made huge strides in 6 months. I am now working with a coach to get me through the marathon, 70.3, and 140.6. I have hair that is longer and longer every day! I feel stronger! To prove that I have made huge strides, in the month of February I have completed 61.1 miles of running in 11 hrs 35 min which is an average pace of 11 min 22 sec per mile (not too shabby). I have biked about 119 miles in 8 hrs 30 min. And I have gone into the pool and swam 2.7 miles in 1 hr 49 min for a total mileage of 182.9 miles in 21 hrs 55 min! We can compare that to 2008 when I was training for my first 70.3 I had a total mileage of 69.12 miles in February (yikes), 2009 when I was training for my first 140.6: 212.41 miles in February (only ~30 miles difference), 2010 when I was training for my second 140.6: 205.02 miles in February (only ~23 miles difference), 2011 when I wasn't training for anything: 108.86 miles, and last year 2012, although this will be different because I found out I had cancer last year in February and knew Ironman was out of the question so I just scaled back on mileage but went all out all of the time: 155.27 miles. I think I'm kicking ass everyday! On this day where I celebrate that I have made huge strides, I also found out that I only have 9 weeks left of treatment instead of 10! April 30 is my last treatment date! This is really exciting. I even did a happy dance in the living room when I found out!

Cancerversary

At 2:35 pm on Monday, February 13, 2012, I received a phone call that made me feel like my life was spiraling out of control. I had called earlier that day to get the results of my biopsy and was actually teaching with my phone in my hand just in case I got a call while I had class. But that is not when I got my phone call. I was actually on my way to a faculty meeting. "Kelly, It's Dr. ___. Do you have a minute to talk? If not, I can call you tonight." "Of course I want to talk about this!" is what I wanted to say but instead I was pleasant and started walking toward a more private area than the hallway I was standing in. I was shaking because I new if my actual doctor was calling me, this was bad. Then I heard the words that changed my life "You have infiltrative ductal carcinoma." My friends Heather and Jeanne were walking to the meeting as well and saw me walking quickly while on the phone looking frazzled and they quickly followed me. I remember writing furiously while shaking. I remember exactly what Jeanne was wearing - an orange shirt that I really like. Heather was wearing a shirt that had a little shimmer to it. All things around me were things I encountered everyday, this was a normal day and then it wasn't. I remember Jeanne sitting across the table from me watching me write and trying to read it. Heather was just rubbing my back and telling me to breathe. I was told that they were going to make an appointment for me to see a surgeon. I was told that my doctor would call me back at 7:30 pm to check in and see if I had more questions after I had time to process this information. I remember asking "How do tell your husband you have cancer?" I believe there was an offer to have either Heather or Jeanne call my husband but I needed to do it. Joe's reaction was not expected. He just said "Well, what is the next step?" He was completely calm. We have talked about that moment since then and he says he knew I would be fine so he didn't want to freak out over it. I can tell you that he did react more when he had to tell his family and when we found out it was Her2Neu positive (Monday, February 27). I realized I was done with Ironman for the year which was just difficult to process. At 3pm, I went to my faculty meeting. At 3:20 I got a phone call for an appointment with my surgeon. Then I went to my classroom, packed my stuff and went to the gym. From 4:30 to 5:15 I worked as hard as I possibly could on the spin bike in spin class. All I wanted to do was scream. I had jelly legs from my effort when I got off the bike. I left the gym, composed myself, and called my sister. I asked her to go somewhere the kids couldn't see her and she did. I told her. And there was silence on the phone, just sniffling. I assured her I would be fine and told her I was heading my my parents to tell them and someone would call her back in a couple minutes. I told my parents who kept it together really well while I was there and gave me information from my mother's cancer diagnosis so that I could bring it with me to the appointments to give some more information. I talked to Kate who for the first time lost it with me. Spiraling out of control. That is how my life felt. I finally got home, talked to my doctor, and then Joe came home. He walked right over to me and hugged me and I just cried. From February 15th through 16th, I saw a surgeon, an oncologist, and a radiation oncologist. I showed up to all of the appointments with my Ironman clothes on - I wanted them to know where my passion lies so that they knew what they were dealing with right up front. I was given so much information that my head was spinning. I went about my workdays as normal as I possibly could. I had many meeting with my principal to discuss how we tell the staff and students. I wanted to make sure there was no pitty, no excessive hugging going to happen so we decided the day before vacation was the perfect day to tell the faculty since I had to leave for an MRI anyway and I wouldn't have to be at the meeting. We decided to tell the students later when we knew when I had surgery scheduled. It made life easier for me if people around me knew what was going on since I wasn't always focused and feeling like I was keeping a secret was just weighing me down. I went and did the HMRRC relay which was difficult because it was the first time people I knew from Ironman were around and they were asking "How's Ironman training going?" I had to tell them I wasn't doing the race. This was tough. During this time, I had to tell friends. My favorite, and in my opinion, the best response was from Amy. When she heard, all she texted me was "Well, s*@t!" Then I went on vacation in Florida for 1 week. I really needed that vacation. Now, after 1 year of highs and lows, I faced this day with feelings all over the board. I am so glad my day at work was busy because I didn't think about it at all. This is a 100% improvement from1 year ago when all I could think about was cancer. Once I had time to think, anger came around. I was out for a run and just couldn't reel in my effort - so much for a progression run, more like an all out 5K and I loved the pain associated with it, the completely breathless feeling, the screaming my muscles and mind were doing telling me this was not what the workout called for. This made me feel alive. This is my drug of choice to control my stress - running. After my run was over and my breathing was getting back under control, I cried. How could this have happened to me? I still wonder that. I remember saying to Jeanne last year that I didn't want to be a martyr, I wanted an "easy" cancer. I wanted people to look at me and say "You got off easy." That didn't exactly happen. I said cancer could take part in 1 year of my life. It has been 1 year and I am not done with treatment yet. This was not my plan and that makes me angry. I have learned that I "can't always get what I want" all of the time - who knew?? I have struggled today to figure out what today means to me, I have no idea what the answer to that question is but I wonder if next year, when this day comes, maybe it won't be so emotional. Tomorrow is another day. I am growing more and more accustomed to a new body each day. I know that cancer has changed me but I am a formidable foe with more motivation each day to show the world what I have in me. Cancer gave me something to, a new mantra for my difficult runs which helps me every time I feel like I can't put one foot in front of the other anymore and this will get me through a marathon in a few months, a 70.3, and Ironman - "I have been through worse and conquered. Today is easier than cancer treatment."

February 8, 2012

February 8, 2012, was the day of my 1st and last mammogram, which brought about an ultrasound, which brought about a biopsy. I remember every moment of that afternoon. I was sitting grading in the waiting room listening to a couple of 90 year old women talk about how they didn't mind a colonoscopy because they liked the drugs they were given during the test. I remember being given my first ugly purplish gown that only covers the top of you and is just plain old ugly. I remember the older woman who was in the second waiting room talking about all of the problems that occur when you get old and that I shouldn't get old. I remember trying to make small talk and funny comments to the female tech who was feeling me up for the test and her matter of factly answering my questions. I remember sitting getting the ultrasound and knowing that something was wrong while the tech was clicking away and I knew she was taking measurements. I especially knew when they left me in the room and didn't even bring me into the waiting area telling me that someone would be in to tell me about my results. I remember being told that I had two tumors and because of my family history they wanted to biopsy them immediately. I remember calling my husband and crying. I remember him asking me if I wanted him to come to the hospital and me saying no because then we would have two cars there and that was pointless. I remember calling Jeanne and asking her to calm me down. I also know from talking to her that she immediately went across the hallway to our friend Heather's room and asking what she should do. I remember all parts of the biopsy since I was just given a numbing agent during the test. I remember trying to negotiate with the doctor to let me get on my bike trainer that evening or get in the pool within the next three days. I remember him asking me "Why the hell would you ever want to do an Ironman let alone 3?" I remember the nurse who was trying to keep me calm every time the biopsy needle was fired (yes, it sounded like a gun going off every time). I remember walking to the third floor of the parking garage trying to keep myself together and crying when I got to the car. I do not remember the car ride home but I do remember getting home and having my choice of three different types of sandwiches because Joe knew I hadn't had lunch and didn't know what I wanted so he picked three different things that he knew I may like. I remember searching Google and learning that 2 out of 10 biopsies are benign. 20%, I liked those odds. I also remember that I wanted to go back to normal immediately so we went to the NYS Museum lecture on the evolution of lactation (a little ironic, I know). I remember the next few days all I thought about was the biopsy and since the doctor wasn't swayed by my charming nature to let me workout, I had to just wait for 3 days before I finally got to go for a run, a very long run and deal with my stress! I remember going to school and having a homemade card in my mailbox that said that "Whatever happens, you are one strong person who can deal with whatever comes your way" from Jeanne. I still look at this card when I need to. One year later, I know what I have learned how strong I am and how much I have left to learn about myself and grow. I also know that, although this was the beginning of a feeling that cancer was consuming my life that lasted for several months, I am not my disease, I am not cancer, I am not what happened to me. I am a very strong woman that I think is pretty amazing in what she has accomplished and has to offer.

January

One year ago tomorrow (2/1/13) changed my life. I was told that my doctor felt a lump but it probably wasn't a big deal but let's do a mammogram and ultrasound at your earliest convenience because of your family history. I had an appointment within 5 min of leaving the doctors office because I am like that. Now, I feel like I have two ways of looking at tomorrow. One being dreading the memories or the other being I gave my husband a wonderful birthday present. I chose the later. I gave him more time with me. If I hadn't found out about this on his birthday, who knows what could have been. I may have been a three time Ironman with advanced cancer by now and that would have been a different scenario all together. But I have a long life with him ahead of us. So tomorrow, on my favorite person in the worlds birthday, we celebrate him. We celebrate our lives together. We reflect on last year but we move forward into our new life together. We have a great weekend planned with each other and will be having fun with friends. We will celebrate that both of us had a very productive month of January athletically. We will celebrate that we both have a great year ahead of us. We will celebrate being us! On anther note, January gave me a lot of exciting things. I had the first encounters with people who had no idea that I had cancer - that was exciting. I was just Kelly several times and it was lovely. I had my 5 month anniversary from my last chemo treatment and I celebrated by doing an hour on the bike trainer. I traveled for work for 4 days and didn't take a nap the entire time I was away - that is amazing. I also had an entire month of training under my belt. I get to post my monthly mileage again!!! This makes me happy. So, here it is. Swim: 3.4 miles in 2 hrs 24 min Bike: 106 miles in 7 hrs 35 min Run: 50.1 miles in 9 hrs 17 min Yoga: 1 hr Total miles: 159.5 miles in 20 hrs 16 min!!! That sounds good to me. I'm on my way!

Oh the highs and lows of cancer treatment

I decided to make a list of some things that I learned the past few weeks: 1. I faced my first really challenging run on Sunday at the Winter Series. It was cold, windy, rainy, dark, and then sunny - typical day in the winter of upstate NY! I was alone the entire 15K (1 hr 43 min 21 sec). It was extremely lonely. I remembered the mental determination that I had during Ironman during this run. 2. Listening to Lance Armstrong talk about "Winning at all cost" I realized I understand that feeling. I have such a drive to make sure that I complete an Ironman because that is how I know I have conquered cancer. There are moments that I wish that I could be content finishing a half marathon, but that is just not me. The difference between me and Lance is that I won't cheat. I will work my butt off - literally, I want to get rid of the junk in the truck I have acquired during cancer treatment. 3. My MUGA scan came back lower than it had been 12 weeks ago. I went into the test knowing I feel pretty good so I thought it was pretty much unnecessary - maybe a little cocky. It was 61.6% while 12 weeks ago it was 66.7%, 24 weeks ago it was 63.2% and 65.7% pre-chemo. This was disappointing. It is still great heart function but not what I expected. I was told by a friend that after Herceptin is over my heart will grow 5 times it's size like the Grinch had happen! Hope so. 4. My hemoglobin levels are finally back to normal. Possibly because I ate beef a couple times this past week because I was really craving it. 5. I stopped taking Tamoxifen. I am really tired for multiple reasons including that I am not sleeping well due to side effects. I was in so much pain just holding onto the steering wheel of my car that it just wasn't worth it. 6. I got to hear how my 8 yr old niece Kaelah sees me since she wrote an essay on me for a contest. She had to write an essay on a female athlete that she admires and she chose me. It was really good. I loved listening to her read it to me and to see how an 8 yr old views her aunt. 7. I made the best meal of my life last week! It was blue cheese encrusted steak with a red wine shallot sauce with green beans and potatoes. It was mouth-wateringly good!!! 8 I am uber competitive. This girl ran past me in the race on Sunday and I tried to go with her (even though I was not going to win, I don't like being passed) but I couldn't keep her pace. Then she had a gap on me and stopped. I wanted to yell "RUN". I wanted to run after her, catch her and then spit her out when I passed her. I love the competitive drive that I still feel. She started running again and I just didn't have the distance to catch her but next time... Watch out! 9. I only have 15 weeks of cancer treatment left!!! How exciting.

Week 1 on a training plan

I decided it was time to start training using a training plan again. Then I made Shauna's training plan. It was so much easier to make than mine. Then I tinkered with my plan and decided I have no perspective on my abilities. I know how I used to train for an Ironman but I am not training for an Ironman. I know how I trained for my 1st 70.3 but I don't have the swim ability that I used to. I am also viewing myself as a beginner in some ways but not in others. I don't know what I am capable of. I don't think I can be objective with my own abilities. I had been training like an Ironman then I couldn't. Now what can I do? I need to be careful and I need to make sure my body responds to each workout appropriately. I don't even know what amount of discomfort I can and should tolerate with training. Those of you who aren't runners don't understand that statement. We as triathletes/runners know there is a bit of discomfort that you feel when you are racing. This is not bad pain, it's the feeling you get when you are pushing to your limits and achieving something. I embrace the burn normally but how much of this should I be embracing now. I decided to write a three week plan and see how I cope during those weeks and I contacted a coach. I decided that he can be much more objective that I can with my training. I decided that I would see what my body can do in the three weeks and how I feel and then I can ask for help. I am basically an unknown in the training world. We have no idea what to expect from me in any one workout. So, week 1 went really well. I did 2 swim workouts, 4 run workouts, and 2 bike workouts for a total of 8 workouts this week. I took one day completely off and had two days of double workouts. I felt almost like me again even though I was being conservative for many of the workouts. My mileage was ok: Swim - 1.01 miles in 46 min (I am broken in the pool. I am working on this. I have a plan!) Bike - 19 miles in 1 hr 20 min (I actually don't have an odometer on my bike so this is an estimate except for the time.) Run - 14.84 miles in 2 hrs 45 min (thought it was more but the program I used logged my one workout twice or the person who entered the workout did it twice - I'm sure it's the programs fault though!) Total mileage for the week was 34.85 miles in 4 hrs 51 min. I am no where near my peak training weeks during Ironman (20 hrs) but I am impressed with this time and distance. This means that I am training for a triathlon and a marathon again!! This week was the first time in months that I feel like myself and it is all because of my return to a training plan. This is exciting.

Tamoxifen

After months of talking to doctors, reading studies, and debating the value of taking tamoxifen, I started taking it on 12/27/12. Many of you will ask why would I even debate taking a drug that is a targeted treatment for a receptor we know my cancer cells had on them. Why would I question taking action when it is the "standard treatment" for women with breast cancer? Wasn't there a study about how it decreased your chances of getting breast cancer again by 25% if you take it for 10 years that was just released? (BTW - that study was sponsored by Astra Zenica which is the drug manufacturer.) Well, it's because of the potential side effects. There is a laundry list of side effects for this drug: increased bone or joint pain, hot flashes, nausea, excessive tiredness, dizziness, depression, headaches, thinning of hair, weight loss or weight gain, stomach cramps, constipation or diarrhea, heartburn, loss of sexual desire, cataracts, uterine/endometrial cancer, rosacea, muscle weakness, vaginal dryness or wetness, brown discharge from the vagina, breathing difficulties, and muscle cramps. Yes, I know that they have to report if people have had any type of side effect on the drug and there is very little chance of having these side effects. Yes, I know that reading online chat groups generally bring out people who have the most side effects and most people who have no side effects will never post there. But I was very scared. I pushed the issue with my doctors for them to give me a really good reason to take it and not the standard "Because I don't want you to regret this in 5 years." or "Because it is standard treatment." I made a list of questions and asked them and was told "You are making an uninformed decision." My response, "Well then inform me with data, statistics, and studies. Give them to me. I'm a smart cookie! I know how to read the data. Answer my questions please." But my doctor wouldn't give me studies or quality answers. I was doing the math that the doctor presented to me and was told "No, you aren't doing it right it's a much higher reduction." But the doctor wouldn't show me how or where the data came from. I started questioning why and all of a sudden my doctor gave me the impression that I would die before I was 40 - wait, I had a stage 1 tumor with no lymphatic involvement and no vascularization even through it was a grade 3 cancer and I was told that I had a 1 to 2% chance of getting cancer back if I went through a mastectomy (bilateral by the way). Yes, I know, I can still get breast cancer again even with a mastectomy but it definitely decreases my chances. I asked for stats on how herceptin decreases my chances of getting cancer back. I wasn't given this information at all. I questioned if this drug will have an impact on my asthma and ankylosing spondylitis since I already have joint pain and breathing difficulties and a side effect of this drug are both of those things potentially. I was actually told that "If you increase the amount of time you exercise, you can control the joint pain." (Really? Really? You want me to workout more than I did before. Have you even met me?) I asked if going off of the drug will make all of the side effects go away. I received no answers - I just got lectured. All of a sudden, I became a problem patient. This made my appointments with my medical oncologist very difficult. I started having panic attacks before my appts because I felt like I was going to battle every time I would see my doctor. I went to see another doctor to see what their take on it was. This doctor didn't even let me really express my fears. Although they did give me the % on the studies on uterine cancer and blot clot risks which did help. I cried during this appt and told this doctor something I had expressed to my other doctor - I feel like I am picking my method of death. There are no positive here. I felt like I was being told to decide to have side effects for the next 5 to 10 years and potentially die of a blood clot or uterine cancer or get breast cancer back. I told them that I want a QUALITY LIFE not just lots of years where I am miserable. They looked at me like I had seven heads and they had never heard this before. Both doctors both gave me different stats on my potential recurrence rates from the same program too which was not helpful at all. I know I am not just going with the "Doctor knows it all" strategy but I am a person who has a lot of knowledge in the scientific world and does research. After this last appointment I realized why I was so upset every time I went to a doctor. I was really pissed off that I had fears, legitimate fears to me. I wrote 5 pages of questions with a pro and con list that neither of the doctors looked at during the multiple appts I have gone to. I am a PERSON WITH CANCER. Not just a CANCER PATIENT. Treat me like a person not just cancer. Do not just push my concerns under a rug and say "It isn't that big of a deal." IT IS A BIG DEAL TO ME!!!! I just want to ask - Did you have cancer?? Do you have any idea what it is like to make decisions like this? NO! You don't. Give me enough respect to allow me to feel like a person with fears that are important to me. Address my fears. Do not make me feel like I am a cookie cutter cancer patient. So, after a lot of tears, a lot of discussion with my husband and two important conversations with my surgeon, Dick, and Mary, I went on Tamoxifen. I went on with the understanding that if I get side effects that are bad, we will not treat them with other drugs like doctors seem to like to do, I will go off of Tamoxifen. I expected joint pain but that is not what woke me up within 24 hrs of my first dose. It was unbelievable heartburn that occurred and made me feel like I had acid thrown down my throat. Two days later I was on Prilosec. Then came the feeling of just wanting to sit on the couch and extreme moodiness. A week later came the joint pain in all of the places where my ankylosing spondylitis used to really hurt but I have controlled them through the years by exercising. I have rosy cheeks all of the time. My skin is getting paper thin and flaking off. I am either freezing cold or extremely hot much of the time. I have had horrible constipation that I needed to take something for (too much information for my blog - potentially but it's a part of my life). I'm extremely tired. I went back on breast cancer chat rooms to see what others thought and the common feeling is that it gets better in 2 months hopefully but if it doesn't "You just have to feel bad for 5 yrs while taking tamoxifen." Well, that is not OK for me. I refuse to live the next 5 yrs feeling like I currently do. It isn't fun. I mean what if I only live 7 yrs and 5 of them were really bad, what kind of a life is that. I'm unsure of what I will do. I figured I will get through this bottle as long as my body doesn't continue to decline and then make a decision. What I do know if that I am looking for a new medical oncologist. I will not leave the current practice until I'm done with Herceptin treatments because I LOVE my oncology nurses that take care of me every week but after May 7, I need out.