6 months

6 months ago today... My life changed. I received a phone call while I was on the way to a faculty meeting. My friends Heather and Jeanne saw the look of concern as I navigated my way to a more private area through the flow of teachers headed to the meeting and followed me. During that phone call, my entire world was collapsing around me and they comforted me. I was told I had cancer. In the 6 months that have followed, a lot has happened. I have had surgery, made my way through 5 out of 6 rounds of chemotherapy, and 13 out of 52 weeks of Herceptin. I have relied on friends and family for things I never thought I would have to rely on them for. I have had allergic reactions to anti-nausea medications which really sucks as I am relying on only one anti-nausea medication to get me through chemotherapy. I have lost all of those beautiful Ironman muscles and gained between 15 and 20 lbs - I am very unhappy about this. I have had to deal with a fear that I would never have thought I would have had to deal with - the fear of losing myself, the fear of having chemo effect my heart, the fear of losing my ability to run, swim, and bike like I used to especially since I made decisions with regards to surgery to keep those as an integral part of my life. I was training for an Ironman - which is really hard but in the last 6 months I have learned a new level of hard. In Ironman training, I know exactly what distances or times I have to accomplish on that day. I know that there is an end to each and every workout. Chemotherapy and cancer have no definite ends when it comes to feeling nauseous or keeping my RBCs up. I have no idea sometimes how my body will react to the chemo drugs. This is harder than any Ironman I have completed. I have had to watch people around me do things that I love to do and not be able to join in. I have no hair (looking pretty bad-ass if I do say so myself so I don't see this as a bad thing). I have had to try to learn to roll with the punches - this is really hard when all of your life you were a planner. I have had to change how I live life. BUT... I am grateful to have an amazing support system starting with my husband. He has had to deal with me and my crazy a lot more as chemo has progressed. I am so happy to have people around me who love and support me. Without the fabulous people around me, my life would be very different. I love my life even with all of the things in my life that are not quite as I would have designed them. I have a lot of people who are pulling for me and I can't wait to move through this and make them proud. I can't wait to have them at my side or at the finish lines of all of my races in the future because they will have had as much a part of my success as I have. I have been called an "inspiration". I don't know about that. I am just a girl who wants to be me again and will work really hard for that. I honestly believe that any Ironman in my position would do exactly what I do on a daily basis to get themselves back to where they had planned to go. We talk about 2014 Ironman all of the time and many people are in with me on that 2014 journey. I work everyday just to get back to being me. I have asked my body to try every day and have allowed myself to say yes or no to different situations, but I try every day! 6 months ago today, my life changed. BUT... THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

I've felt better

Sorry its been so long. Life has brought us in many different directions these past few weeks. Ironman weekend was crazy. I was able to pull it together and get to watch my fabulous husband finish his 3rd Ironman! It was not an easy day for him but he pushed through and did what he had to do to become an Ironman again. I have been comparing my chemo treatments with finishing an Ironman. On this day, Joe showed that the hardest part of the Ironman is the marathon sometimes. I have just the marathon portion to complete in this chemotherapy journey. I went into Tuesday feeling ok - a little fatigued but overall in great spirits. After Ironman weekend, we were able to calm down and get ourselves together to have some really relaxing days. I felt recovered from the last round of chemo going into this round. I can see the finish line now and understand that I only have to go through this two more times and not feel well two more times. Tuesday's treatment went by without major issues. My MUGA scan came back with 63.2% efficiency which is down from 65.7% and thus chemo has had a small impact on my heart but from all I have heard it should go back to normal after chemo is finished. My RBC count is still low and my hemoglobin count is also low due to the RBC count. This is allowing me to feel tired a lot of the time. I usually feel good enough to go and eat dinner with Joe out on chemo days. We went out as normal and then within an hour, I did not feel well. I felt so bad that Joe had to find me clothes to wear to bed. Wednesday is a blur - I know that acupuncture helped me with my nausea for the day. Thursday I convinced myself to go out on the bike. This felt excessively slow but helped with nausea for a little bit. Today has been tough. I just want to sleep. I want to feel like me again. I want to have the energy to put on my running shoes and run. I want to not feel sick to my stomach. I know that "This too will pass." I also know that I only need to do this once more. I know that my husband is amazing and is doing great things to help me feel better. I understand that chemo has a cumulative effect, I just didn't expect it to be so intense this time around. Hopefully the last time will be better. I'm awaiting my switch to be pushed so that I can feel better and move forward. It will come. I will get through this round. Only one to go! 13 out of 52 herceptin treatments done too!

Feeling good

This week I feel great. Well, not normal great, but great considering I am going through chemotherapy. I am tired most afternoons with a mandatory nap but I know that I am capable to doing so much this week and I do as much as possible. I wonder if I make myself more tired this week because I want to cram in as much as possible in order to make up for the lack of doing much the other two weeks. What this means to me is that yesterday I went for a 30 minute run which was 2.25 miles. It was hot out and I ran up my first hill which made me slower than my normal chemo slow. I am now in the 13 min per mile range but at least I'm out there doing something. Today I went out for a bike ride where I could meet up with Joe to help him with his last training run for Ironman by giving him Gatorade while he was out running. It ended up being a hot and windy day which didn't help me on the hills. I did parts of the Ironman course and felt immediately drained on the hills with the headwind. Funny thing about this headwind was that I had it on the way out, then a tailwind for 2 miles, and then it was back to being a headwind again - how can that happen. Although it was challenging for me, I finished 17.27 miles (by far my farthest ride since March) in 1 hr 30ish minutes with several stops to drink water, look at the osprey, and just catch my breath. I told my surgeon that my goal of the summer was to finish a 30 mile bike ride. I don't actually see that happening but I am getting closer to that 20 mile mark so you never know. I then proceeded to go for a SWIM!!!! I loved bobbing in Mirror Lake today! I only did about 50 meters but it felt good. I also can't put my head underwater (doctors orders) so I could only do the crawl with my head up - maybe this will help me with sighting when I return to triathlons and open water swims. I am tight from my incisions and my port but I loved feeling the stretch and the resistance of the water. It was glorious. A couple of random things to comment about: 1. I went to visit friends this week to give them some money we owed for a Team Loco jersey Joe will be wearing for Ironman and we got to meet their father who is a beginner triathlete. We talked about Ironman and his upcoming sprint triathlon and said goodbye so they could go back to work. I was later told that he asked if I had shaved my head to be more aerodynamic after we had left!!! I LOVE this. I didn't give off the "I'm a cancer patient!" vibe, just "I'm a crazy triathlete!" vibe. He made my day! 2. I was at a bike shop in Lake Placid today when a little boy commented "That girl is BALD!" His grandmother quickly scolded him about staring and saying comments. I told her it wasn't a big deal because I understand that kids don't understand and I'm not offended. I am wearing a bald head proudly so I expect stares and comments. She later approached me in the store to "teach him a life lesson" and asked me to tell him why I was bald. I did and I told them how I had completed Ironman in 2009 and 2010 and will do another soon because I will be cured. Suddenly the grandmother was hugging me, the little boys mom was crying, and the little boy was watching wondering what the heck was going on. The mom did comment that she is new to triathlons and hopes to do an Ironman someday. I told her maybe I'd see her in 2014! 3. I've decided to take up birding. I know it sounds crazy but after watching the movie "The Big Year", I decided it was going to be my new hobby. Osprey was a nice addition to my list of birds I have seen - Mallard, crow, raven, great blue herron,... I do have a list. I now wish I could id bird songs. I downloaded an app on my phone to help me out! 3. Ironman is coming! Ironman is coming! My favorite day of the year is almost upon us. I am super excited. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning when it comes to Ironman. I can't wait. I love watching the cars with beautiful bikes on them go by the house. I love watching the beautiful athletes in town. I am excited about the banquet. I am excited to volunteer (I'm stuffing bags so when you get your bags at registration, know that I touched them and wished you all luck while doing my job). I am excited to be at the race. I'm excited to see all of my triathlete friends and Iron-spectators. I'm excited to stand in line with those who are signing up for next years race (no, I am not signing up but Joe will be at the finishers banquet so I will go hang out). I'm also excited to go shopping for some new Ironman gear since I can't fit into much of what I currently own! I'm really excited to actually see my husband cross the finish line and become an Ironman again! This is a moment I will remember forever! I have chemo next week. I want next week to be great so I will think positive thoughts about my next chemo treatment. I'm visualizing a positive week while all of the Lake Placid Ironman athletes are visualizing a great race. I will be visualizing a great race soon enough but for now, I'll take a good week next week. Enjoy the beautiful week!

Round 3 retrospective

June 26 and 27th were my last chemo treatments. We found out that I am not allergic to any of the medications they are currently giving me but for some reason I am allergic to the extra anti-nausea drug they were giving me. So we tried a acupressure device to help with nausea. I can honestly say that this round was the most difficult though. By Thursday, I was exhausted (two naps a day exhausted), my nausea levels were manageable but present, and I just generally felt beat up. I was told this would happen but I really was hoping it wouldn't happen to me. This time around this feeling of tiredness and generally not feeling great has stayed with me a little longer than the first two round. I am tired. I look tired. I realized that I need to, as my friend Bethany phrased it, "Say uncle" every once in a while and just say I've had enough for today. This just pisses me off. I want to do what I would normally do in my life and am being forced to acknowledge that I am not who I normally am. As one of my chemo books has told me over and over again, I have to remember that "this too will pass." The heat is also taking its toll. My last herceptin treatment was accompanied by a bag of saline to help me to hydrate as I just don't feel like I can keep up sometimes. You can tell I didn't feel well because for three out of the 5 days from the 26th on, I only biked twice and didn't even try to run. I was just too beat up. Needless to say, I'm not exactly looking forward to the next round but know I will be that much closer to being done once it is over. I was able to go to the Tupper Lake Tinman and see my husband and friends compete. It was a training day for me on how to deal with the heat, early morning, and spectating for Ironman day. We instituted several new rules for the day which seemed to help out. I was able to go to the Boilermaker this past weekend where I was able to volunteer. This weekend was a blast. I loved spending time with friends and my husband. Volunteering was a great time. But my lasting impression of the weekend (and this is something I have been noticing week after week) was that I am so impressed and excited about how wonderful many of my friends and family members have been with me. They make me feel like ME while they are around me. They do not react to my bald head, lack of boobs, and scars at all. They make me feel so comfortable that sometimes I look in the mirror and am shocked by what I see - a bald, pale person with bags under my eyes who resembles a slightly larger version of myself, not the vision of myself that I see in my mind. I laugh at myself every time I am startled by my own image. I've even noticed that I am almost forgetting that I am a person who is going through cancer treatments for a couple of hours each day. This is a great thing. I thank all of you for helping me feel that way! The only people who are struggling with my hair loss are the youngest people I come in contact with. My nephew Cooper (5) knows I got my hair cut but that is all he understands. My niece Sierra (6) has vocalized that she doesn't like me without hair. She doesn't understand cancer, she understands that her family is worried about Kelly, she has been told Kelly is sick, and Kelly has a big sign that something is wrong - she lost all her hair. She told me that "I don't like you without hair. I think you should glue your wig to your head." I have let her know over and over that Kelly will be ok and she wants to believe me but she is unsure of what is going on. She was there for me to go for my first swim (without putting my head underwater) where her sister, Kaelah (8) cheered because she knew this was a big step forward so she got excited for me in that moment. We also let her see the most recent head shaving although she likes my "itty bitty hairs" that form randomly on my head. I also tried to explain what happened to my hair to a little boy (about 3) today so he wasn't afraid of me. He pointed to his own hair and said "It fell out?" Kids are so tough when it comes to this. I don't know how people with children handle this part of cancer. Here are some pictures I wanted to share from the past few weeks! One is from Boilermaker and the other is from Lila's graduation. Great times in my really fantastic life!

5 year anniversary - this is for my husband and your significant others

June 30, 2007 - I married the man I loved! June 30, 2012 - Joe and I will have been married for 5 years! Although we have been together for 17 yrs, we have managed to fall more in love over those 5 years. I can say that I love my husband for all that he has become, all that he has and will do, and everything that he does for me. Doing 5 marathons, 2 Ironmen, and many other races during the past 7 years has made us even closer since we have embraced our shared passions to the fullest extent. This year means even more to me. I was given the first news that I may have had cancer at a routine doctors appointment on February 1, 2012, which was my husbands 33rd birthday. Someone recently said and I agree with them, that this was the best birthday present I could have given my husband - early detection. Because my doctors and I were aware of my risk factors, I was screened early for what was originally thought to be nothing. The phone call I got on February 13 that told me I had cancer changed our lives forever. Joe was not the first to know because I was at work (one of my first questions was "how do you tell your husband you have cancer?") but when I called him, he immediately became my rock, my support, my cheerleader. I will be here with Joe by my side for many years to come because of those dates. This anniversary allows us to not only enjoy the moment but also know that cancer will not take me from him anytime soon or hopefully ever. I am grateful for all of the people around me who are giving me the gift of life through early detection, surgery, treatment, and support. I love this life we have built and am not ready to leave it because we have a lot to accomplish. As Michael Buble said in our wedding song, "...I found strength in you, Cause in my mind you will stay here always in love, you and I... In my mind, we can conquer the world, In love you and I..." We were supposed to be celebrating our anniversary by doing the Tupper Lake Tinman this weekend together. Joe is still doing it and I get to be his lovely cheerleader. This may not be the perfect way we planned it but I will be there and when I do make a comeback, Joe will be my biggest supporter! He will cherish the moment I cross the finish line at my first race with a smile on his face, a big hug and kiss, and probably a tear in his eye because he knows how much this means to me. This means to us. It means I'm back. It means WE are back! This is how marriage is supposed to be. I said these words and I meant every one of them: "For better or worse. For sickness and in healthy." My message to all of you is to do self exams, go to your yearly appointments and have breast exams, call your doctor if you feel something different, get a mammogram when it is indicated for your age, family history, or condition, get a breast ultrasound if you have fibrous breasts, and be proactive about your health. Your loved ones will thank you for this! I wish this disease on no one! It is hard to fight through it but the earlier you find cancer, you give yourself the best chance to treat it and give you the best chance for survival. Do this for yourself. Do it for the ones you love! Happy Anniversary Joe! I love you more and more each and every day! On Saturday we celebrate all we have accomplished and will accomplish together. We have a fabulous future ahead of us with some mountains that are gorgeous to view from the bottom, hard to climb, but rewarding to relax on and enjoy the view. I love you!