Being my parent/sibling/niece/nephew

There are many reasons I do not have children. Other than the fact that I have asthma and ankylosing spondylitis which, for me, are both genetic and that I could pass them on, I remember what it was like to be in second grade. I was diagnosed with severe asthma when I was 3 months old. For my parents, my second grade year was the worst when it came to asthma. I remember being in and out of the hospital (including being in the hospital for Halloween during that time). I remember having hundreds of needles all over my body when they did my first allergy testing session when I was 5 yrs old. I remember screaming every time they wanted to put an IV in to give me the steroids that would help me to breathe. I knew that I couldn't go through this as a parent and I would never wish those experiences on my children if they were unlucky enough to have inherited my poor genetic predispositions. During this time, I also couldn't have imagined being my sibling. I know that I required a lot of attention - I was getting treatments up to four times a day at some points. If I started having problems breathing, then we had to stop everything and start treatments that would help me. This could not have been easy. I believe that these experiences have made me even more independent as an adult and more motivated to prove that I can do anything as well. Now we are doing this again, just a different disease. A parent is not supposed to have to watch their child go through cancer surgery and treatment. On Tuesday my mom accompanied me to my horrible appointment. Although this appointment was long, there was less crying and no screaming this time so I guess I have progressed since I was 8 but it was very similar to all of the time I spend in a doctors office as a child. I have no idea how hard this is to go through as my parent. I went from being a very independent daughter who showed up when there were family events and who they watched have a fantastic wedding, have a successful career, complete two Ironmen, and successfully finish five marathons to the daughter that requires care and rides overnight. Prior to February 13th no one worried about me - I was ok. Now, they worry about me on a daily basis. I know that I think they can be a little overbearing at times but I also understand that this is one of the worst things a parent can watch a child go through and how do you deal with this. I don't know. You become overprotective again and unlike before when you were getting all of the information directly from the doctor, now you have to get the information from your child or her husband. This is a difference in the loss of control and very hard to deal with. Being my sister is difficult too. I was the person who was solid but not overly involved although I would try to be at every event that I was told about. I loved spending summer weekends around my nieces and my sister. I again was independent and involved in their lives. I loved having positive experiences including singing and dancing with my nieces. It's funny, last summer I realized that the girls would grow up soon and not want to sing and dance with me in the crazy way they would at 10, 7, and 5 would (imagine blasting Moves Like Jagger and dancing with three singing children around the house- ahhh so much fun). I actually remember telling them that I want them to remember this moment when they are older and remember the silly things their crazy aunt did with them - weird right? Sierra would actually walk around the house singing at the top of her lungs so I would leave her alone and not make her dance with me! Now, they are all afraid to touch me. I don't want to scare them when I lose my hair. My younger nieces and nephew don't understand any of this but it makes me sad when Sydney looks at me at my feet and I can't pick her up. I can't wait for the day when I am back to me in their eyes. Although Lorie was the one that I thought would take this news the best, I was surprised when she took it so hard. I long to never have to do that to her or any other family member again. How do I show them I am doing well or I will be cured? I work harder to make sure I get well quickly. I think positively all of the time to speed healing. Ultimately, how will they know I am ok? I will complete an Ironman again. I will get back to nagging them to eat their vegetables (yes, I do this, not my parents!) I will make my nieces dance and sing with me again this summer (if not sooner). I will be able to pick up my youngest niece SOON!!! Hell, I will be able to pick up Lila who is my height SOON (probably not as soon as Sydney)! I will continue to make fun of my sister and my parents on a daily basis. I will ask Lorie stupid questions through texts where her response is "Where are you getting this?" I will cuddle with my nieces and run after my nephew soon even when they don't want to cuddle (Cooper always wants to run so he will be fine with it). I will continue to ask how school is and what are they learning in science class (I feel that is always the best part of the day). I want to be that independent person they knew before February 13th again soon. I will get there soon, I promise. Then we go back to me being me just stronger and with a few more scars!