Walking with a purpose

During Ironman, if I am forced to walk, I "walk with a purpose". This has taken on a different meaning to me now. Although this week I have had to slow down and go shorter distances in order to get the drains to slow down, I go out daily. This is the time that I use to feel mentally better. I can only sit and watch daytime TV for so long. I can only read books on cancer for so many minutes of the day. I can only look for work from home jobs for so many hours of each day. All of these things make me emotionally drained (yes, daytime TV makes me emotionally upset, it's that bad, I have to stop watching it). I have finally given myself permission to take time to just read instead of looking for financial assistance for next school year. The only problem with walking is that I get sad when I walk the routes I used to run. I miss running so much that I recall how it felt to run this route the last time I ran it. I have started to explore my neighborhood to find new routes that I haven't run. The entire time I am walking these new routes I am thinking about how I can add them into my running repertoire. The only problem I have with this slower pace is that it isn't invigorating anymore so I don't feel like I did something today. I walk with the idea that I am walking my way into my new life. I just need to figure out how that new life is going to be structured. I walk to get rid of the fear that accompanies me about the unknown - yes, I am admitting that on a daily basis there is fear about how I will handle the big chemo drugs, how I will handle 52 weeks of herceptin treatments, how am I affecting my family especially my husband, how am I affecting my friends, will I be able to run like I did before, and will I ever feel "normal" again. But when I walk, I let go. I'm walking with a different purpose now. I'm not exactly getting comfortable with it as I know that in 1 to 2 weeks, I should be allowed to run again!