Thankful

Thanksgiving has brought me to write this post and reflect on what life has brought me this year. Although cancer has brought difficult moments and experiences, it has also given me different experiences that I would never have had and I have learned from them. Cancer has changed my life. I have decided to allow for it to change my life in positive ways. I wanted to share with everyone what I am thankful for this year. My husband - Joe is my rock. Joe loves me through everything. He supports me through thick and thin. He is the most amazing significant other one could ask for. I've even allowed for him to join my Rock Star status this year! He is a spectacular person who I am extremely glad I met 17 (almost 18 years) ago. I love you, Joseph! My family - I try very hard each and every day to make sure they know that I am ok and I am pursuing the life that I had planned prior to cancer making an appearance. I am thrilled to have such a great support system which makes me happy and laugh almost everyday. My friends - New and old - I have had the opportunity to become closer to many of my friends due to cancer and I am happy about this. I have had the opportunity to meet several amazing people this year who have helped me enjoy life through what could have been a horrible time in my life. I've heard someone tell me that you don't get to pick your family, but you pick your second family in your friends. I love that there were many opportunities in my life that allowed me to meet these people and I am grateful for these relationships. Early detection - without a doctor who found my lump early and knew my medical history well and technology that could detect the cancer I may not have had the long life ahead of me that I now have the opportunity to have. I beg everyone to use me as a motivator to check your self and see your doctors regularly to be screened. It literally saved my life and I want you to be around for a long time as well. My medical staff, most importantly my oncology nurse, Lisa - Lisa made the difficult time through chemo more bearable. She makes me laugh every time I see her which is every Tuesday. She gives me strategies to make sure that I feel better every week. She is the reason that this weekly treatment plan is not making me crazy. My body - I know this one is weird, it rebelled against me this year. BUT it was in the best shape I think it was ever in before I went into surgery which allowed me to get through surgery and chemotherapy much better than most people would go through it. It is working really hard to try to get back to the running, biking, swimming, Kelly that I want it to be. I push it hard and it responds. I LOVE this about my body. I thank it everyday for helping me to accomplish my athletic goals everyday! My strength - I am stronger than I ever thought I was. My mind has learned that I am capable of so much. I love that I am a strong, independent, questioning woman. I have learned so much about myself this year and I am proud of what I have accomplished. I hope that I have many more years to reflect on all of the things that I am thankful for. I am so happy in my life and I love that I have the opportunity to LIVE it and enjoy every day with those I love.

Running Away From Cancer - 15K done!

I completed my first 15k post cancer surgery and chemo but while still undergoing cancer treatments today. I am really excited about this. I signed up for this race after I went for an 8 mile run with friends two weeks ago. The run that we went on felt easy for me so I figured, why the heck not do the race. I have been running this race since 2004 (with the exception of 2010 when we did the NYC Marathon). It has become a staple on my race calendar and as of September, I didn't think it was a possibility this year. When I realized it was, I felt like this would show that I am back to being a version of my old self (I can't help but believe that the old Kelly is gone but I truly believe a new, better version of myself is becoming visible.) I knew this would not be my fastest race but it would be really important to me to finish this race. I have said it before, I was not a 5K runner - that wasn't enough for me. My cancer diagnosis will never change the fact that I was a distance runner/triathlete. I am unwilling to give those things up. This race gives me one more moment to realize that I am going to be able to get back to that distance running form sooner rather than later. I was pretty stupid though the day before the race and looked at my time from last year - I was running some of my best times last year and I am nowhere near being in the shape that I would like to be in - but I needed to know what I had been capable of. After the race I looked up all of my Stockadeathon times to just compare (1:38.42 in 2011, 1:42.19 in 2009, 1.33.19 in 2008, 1:39.35 in 2007, 1:35.54 in 2006, 1:41.00 in 2005, and 1:34.14 in 2004). This year I ran a 1:43.57!!! My goal was anything under 1:50 but my BIG goal was 1:45 or under. I did it!!! This morning I woke up at around 7 since I live less than a 10 min drive from the starting line! I tried to make sure that I could use my own bathroom before the race. I drank my magnesium food rich smoothie (my magnesium levels are a little low so I have been drinking this smoothie once a day) and a bowl of Cinnamon Chex - yummy!!! My coffee went down nicely too and I felt optimistic about today although I had become nervous overnight. Once I got to the race, I found myself in the porta potty line (so much for the help of being at home and using the bathroom). I ran into a few people I knew and talked. Then I took off my outer layers while dreading going out into the slight drizzle with cold and a little headwind. Wasn't it supposed to be sunny and 60 today? The race started and there was a woman walking as fast as I was running. I will keep this post PG rated but my brain was not being so nice about this. Mile 1 11:23.08. I wanted to be conservative in the first 5 miles because of the HILLS that I knew were looming. It was already getting too warm to wear my hat and my sleeves though so I was hoping I would find my husband and ditch the hat soon. The next mile I heard my name and then saw Sara and Mark yelling for me!!! I didn't know they were coming!!! How exciting!! I loved knowing that they came out to cheer me on! I ditched my hat with them and started making sure I was going past people like Sara told me I should. Mile 2 after seeing them was pretty much downhill and I was trying to not let my desire to go my race pace (still slow but more difficult to maintain) take over even though I knew it was winning out over my reasonable side - 11:07.03. I was taking note that the new course was on roads I have never been on but that the first half had more small rolling hills than the former course had. Mile 3 I was trying to get away from a group of people who were pretty much yelling at each other because most of them had headphones on while running with their running partners and trying to carry on a conversation at the same time - 10:50.76. Not racing and only going out for a long run went out of the window! Mile 4 was pretty much on roads that I knew, a drummer on the side of the road, and my love of this race had me smiling. Plus, I realized I had successfully gotten away from the walker and the loud people but I could still hear them chattering behind me - 10:51.22. I was thinking that I would probably crash on the hills but I realized that I loved the feeling of "race pace" - being out of breathe, your muscles contracting forcefully, and your body working hard to go forward. I missed this incredibly! Mile 4 to 5 brought us through the Stockade which is always beautiful and the people are super excited to be spectating. It is also flat so my time wasn't as fast but I realized that I could break 1:45 if I just keep up the pace that I was going until we went uphill and then I just couldn't blow up and I would be fine - 11:03.90. Mile 5 to 6 we started the big climb. I knew it was coming but wasn't sure what to expect on the new course. This hill went up, then up some more, then up some more. I was breathing hard and kept saying to myself "This feels great! I've been through so much worse than this and this is a GREAT pain!!" I was even excited in my mantras to myself. Up the hills I still ran an 11:23.22. The 10K mark lead to a nice flatish part of the course through the cemetery which was beautiful and quiet. But then we climbed again. I knew though that once I was up this hill it was pretty much flat and the Sara and Mark were waiting for me there. Mile 7 - 11:37.84. Sara and Mark were waiting at the top! A little arm pump of excitement and Sara telling me to pass the 6 people in front of me and I went. I was loving the pain of running fast!! People are afraid of this but not me. I learned before cancer that if I pushed past my limit then someone would be there to pick me up but I would be proud to say that I pushed for my goal. I was back in that same place today. I LOVE TO RACE!!! I may not be fast but I push myself hard and I love the way it makes me feel. I haven't really done this since last February! I picked off 6 people while going down the little hill. Mile 8 - 11:38.55. I saw Josh running toward me and I had a smile on my face (like I did most of the race - this was a fantastic experience for me). He left his running partners and came over and cheered me on even telling me how he knew how much this meant to me and that made me run even faster. I was picking people off left and right! This meant so much to me and I had great people waiting for me at the finish line!! I was running much faster than I have run post cancer surgery and chemo and I could feel every moment of it. I kept telling myself that I know how bad I can feel from chemo and I have been through worse and this is cake compared to that. I wanted this so much! I was hitting my edge of how fast I could go and was wondering if I could make it at this pace but there was no way I was giving up this pace unless I absolutely had to. I rounded the park and saw Sara and Mark again! I pushed even harder. I was angry that the couple behind me would run hard, then she would whine and complain then they would stop and walk and then run by me again - I just wanted to yell at her "You don't know what pain feels like buttercup! Suck it up! A woman going through cancer treatments is kicking your ass!" But instead I smiled knowing what I was accomplishing. Mile 9 - 10:45.17. I pushed harder since I was only 0.3 miles away from the finish line. I could hold this pace for a max of 4 min right?? I rounded the pond and saw my cousin Stacey and just smiled! I did it! I saw Mark and Sara and smiled even bigger! I did it!! The last 0.3 miles in 3:16.50. I broke my goal and am super excited about it!!! What did I do in celebration? I went home and took a nice bath and then a nice, long nap!!! What a great day! I'll be sore tomorrow but it is worth it! I missed racing. Next up, Rothman 8K in Philly next weekend and the Troy Turkey Trot 10K and possibly the 5K as well with some friends! Then we start the new year with the Hangover Half! It's going to be a great end to the year - I have a feeling!

My first 10K post cancer

On October 20, 2012, I completed my first 10K post cancer. This happened 7 months post surgery, 7 1/2 weeks post chemo, and after week 23 of herceptin treatments. I have been running "long" runs every weekend for the past 4 weeks. This makes me super happy as that is what we do as runners. This weekend was going to test me a bit since the furthest I had run prior to this was 5 miles at 12:25 pace. We showed up at the Great Pumpkin Challenge and were looking for familiar faces but were surprised to not see many but there were a lot of people there. I got to go through all of my normal pre-race traditions but I wasn't nervous at all. I wasn't going to try to PR today so the only thing I needed to do was run 6.2 miles. I found the porta potties. Said hello to a woman I met at my Monday night training group who was running her first 5k and found my friend Bethany. Bethany is another cancer survivor who will tell me what she is thinking without sugar coating anything when I have questions. She was going to run the 5K today. We walked over to the starting line talking about how I had signed up for the race not knowing if I would be able to run the 10K but knowing that I would have the option to bail at the 5K turn if I needed to but I wanted to run it so I was going to do it. As many of you know, if I want to do something, I will find a way to do it. I am stubborn. I also learned today that I am also very determined to have other people do what I want them to do with me - some may say "Bossy in a nice way" others say "Influential". I did not try to convince anyone to do this race with me though - this was all on my own. I need my mental time to deal with life and racing makes me focus and let all things in my mind go and I LOVE that! Bethany and I also discussed cancer research and how much of the cancer research is focused on post-menopausal women and little effort is made to find a way to focus on the QUALITY of life post cancer for women of our age just the QUANTITY of life. This frustrates both of us. The gun went off and we both went our separate ways. I knew that I needed to make this just another long run and not a race or else I would potentially crap out at the end. But... I love to race. I love to push myself. I love to feel my heart working. I love the pull of your muscles on the bones and propelling you forward. I love passing people and when they try to pace off of you, you kick it up and they can't hang. I love it all. The first mile was difficult - there were way too many people for Saratoga State Park. There were a ton of first time 5Kers who don't know race etiquette and the idea that if you are walking you start at the back, that if you are slower you start toward the back, that if you need to walk during the race you move toward the outside, that if a runner talks to you you don't ignore them, or that you shouldn't just stop in the middle of the road. So I was forced to weave around people almost immediately. The second mile we went on a path so we could get to the Avenue of the Pines. There were still so many people around I was weaving in and out. Once we turned down the Avenue of the Pines I saw Mary. I said hello and kept running! I was starting to warm-up around this point - this is not atypical of my pre-cancer body. I never was warm until mile 3 of most races/runs - which is why I hate 5Ks. I feel like my body is the same in this way and it gives me hope! I started to pick up the pace a little as we got back on the road and had less people around me. I watched as the 5Kers turned right and I went straight into what I knew was unknown territory for me - miles 3.1 to 6.2 which had some pretty nice hills. I knew there was potential for me to slow down a lot but wasn't worried about it at all - I just wanted to run this far. The race was so large that I had a massive group in front of me and a lot of people behind me. This is when I was extremely happy with my run. I am not good on hills at all right now (neither am I good with speed) but I will run them because I CAN! I felt strong. I was racing - not at my pre-cancer race pace but I was running faster than I normally do. I was passing people. I would see someone in front of me and plan to go get them. I was getting stronger as the race went on. The feeling was beautiful - this is the feeling runners long for and keep running to get on that special run where all things feel good. It was difficult in a good way. It was hard in a great way - I WAS RUNNING!!! I never had to convince myself to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, it just happened. I felt great! While I was racing, I would go past people who were struggling (5K and 10Kers) and I would think, "How's it feel to be passed by a woman undergoing cancer treatments!" or "What is your reason for walking? Are you tired from cancer treatments?" I know these were mean thoughts. On the other hand though, I wore my hat the entire time. Not because I needed it, it was because I just wanted to be seen as a runner and not a cancer patient. I was passing people as Kelly, the RUNNER!!! I entered into the last part of the race and saw Bethany and was super excited to know what I had done post chemo. Bethany was the perfect person to run this part with me - she was as excited as I needed her to be because I recognize that this is big. A 5Ker was not me before cancer and won't be me after cancer. But when I can start racing a 10K, this means I am getting stronger and becoming a DISTANCE RUNNER again. I was not ready to give up my distance running career when I was diagnosed and this race made me believe that I can get it back. I will get stronger and faster in the next few months. I have lost 6 of the 20 lbs I put on and will take off the rest because I say I will. This race was a starting point for me. It was slow: 1:12.24. But I ran a negative split and got faster the longer I ran. I ran 5 miles 5 min faster than I ran 5 miles last weekend too. I love being part the running community again and can't wait to run races where I know most of the people in the race. I look forward to what is possible in my new running career!

Swimming again... And other things

Disclaimer: I am very honest about my week here. Please do not comment on being too hard on myself. This is who I have always been and cancer won't change that. I wouldn't have gotten to accomplish the things I have accomplished in the past without this drive. Right now, it is tough for me to know I am not who I used to be and I expected to get back to "normal" more quickly than I have been able to. Here it goes... I went back to the pool this week. I was away on Monday working in the garden for the last time this year. Tuesday was my treatment day and I take that day off because I work and by the time I get home after treatment I want to eat dinner. So, Wednesday became my day to swim. I got to the pool around 2 pm and while sitting in the parking lot I was all of a sudden worried. Things I hadn't thought of occurred to me. I was all of a sudden scared to go in. Questions filled my head. Where was I going to get changed? Although I am comfortable either wearing my prosthetic boobs or not wearing them at times, I am very uncomfortable about getting changed around others. I have huge scars. I have to remove my fake boobs. I have a spare tire around my center that I am working on getting rid of. What if someone says something to me? What is someone sees me? You can see my scar when I wear my bathing suit. I don't want to be the one to change in the bathroom - I am more confident than that. What if someone says something about my lack of hair? All I want to tell people when they ask about the hair is "I just wanted to be radical?" but I don't have that personality. What if I can't swim????? I finally told myself that if I don't go in, cancer wins and that is not me. So, I went in. I was disappointed that there were a lot of people at the gym at 2 pm. I was thinking I was going to have to circle swim because of how many people were swimming. I didn't know how fast or slow I was and which lane would be right for me so I was happy when three people got out of one lane at the same time. I swam the first 50 slow and easy and my breathing was perfect. My balance was good. I was SWIMMING! Then at my 150 yard time I started getting some soreness in my shoulder. I thought it must have been because of the port. I stopped, stretched, and then went again. Another 150 and the pain got a little worse. I was determined to do 500 yards though. I had to figure out where this pain was originating from. The closer I got to 500 though the more painful it was. I had to stop reaching with my right arm completely. But I swam. I left knowing that my pain wasn't around my port but wasn't sure where it was coming from. I left swimming wondering if I was going to be able to swim with this port in. Was the pain from scar tissue being stretched? Was it referred pain from the port? Would I be able to train for the REV3 Old Orchard Beach? Was all of the things that I want to do not going to happen because of cancer? I have said cancer can have 1 year of my time but no more and I am already looking at more than a year and I was pretty frustrated and angry about this swim. This swim left me worried. I just kept saying to myself, it will get better. I was so frustrated I went home and since it wasn't raining at that moment, I went for a run to get rid of my anger and frustration like I used to do. It was another frustrating event though because I ran 1.7 miles in 20 min. It was slow and still felt like it was a really difficult. UGH!!!! Can't I just have one piece of my former life back!!! So, Thursday I decided to go back to Hot Yoga. I needed the relaxation and, although it was a different class than last week, last week went well so I could do this. After doing 4 sets of vinyasas with plank to downward dog, my instructor had the class do side planks. I sat back on my heals and actually laughed at myself. I was being shown again how much I still can't do. Then my IT band and hamstring cramped up - my body reminding me that this was harder than last time. Yippie! Another reminder of what I am still not able to accomplish. I failed at yoga that night. I have been facing failing to do what I expect a lot recently. Maybe failure is not the right word. I have been trying and not getting better. I am trying to see myself as a beginner again but beginners put in the work and progress - getting faster and capable of going farther. I am not getting faster. I am pushing to go farther yes, but faster, no. I know that I am able to go longer but speed is still really difficult because I still can't carry enough oxygen to do the speed. I am FRUSTRATED!!!!! I wanted to recover faster than I am. I was told that herceptin wouldn't have any effects on me and I would get back to being myself fairly quickly - Bologna (I used my filter here). The better I feel on a daily basis while getting away from chemo (7 weeks this Tuesday), the more I feel like I should be getting back to being me. This is not happening. I am being faced with more complicated situations that deal with a life happening post cancer. I am being faced with the person who I am compared to the person I want to be. This is extremely difficult for me. Even writing about this makes me want to cry because I am finding it hard to be faced with not being able to accomplish what I want to accomplish on daily basis. It is hard to not succeed in the athletic area that I desperately want to get back to on a daily basis. I am watching other people's lives move forward but mine is crawling through treatment. But I keep getting back on that proverbial bull. It has to get better. I will find the day where cancer isn't the only thing that I think of most of the time. I will find the day when I can just run and have a crap time and just feel like - "Oh, well, it happens sometimes" instead of "My running isn't progressing because of cancer treatments." It has to happen at some time. But again, if I didn't go back and try to swim again, cancer wins. So on Friday, I went back. Again, the fear associated with the locker room had me sitting in my car but I got out and went inside. I got my suit on and got in the water. 100 yards - pain in my right shoulder. I stood at the wall and knew I was not going to give up this easily so what could I try that may make a difference. I normally only breathe on my left side so I thought, lets try to breathe on the right side. I also thought this would allow me to see what I am doing with that arm and maybe it was a positional issue. I tried and no pain. Problem with breathing on this side - I suck at it. My balance is all off. My body position is all off. I can swim well enough while breathing on the left side but on the right it is soooooo hard! But there is no pain. So, I did the rest of the 500 yards on that side - it was not pretty (I believe I probably looked like a flailing whale). I am choosing to believe that this will ultimately lead me to becoming a better swimmer. When I figure this out, I will have balance on both sides of my body in the water. This will make me a faster swimmer. But it will also mean I have to work really hard to make this happen. This weekend I was able to go for a 5 mile run with a running partner who is training for her first marathon in two weeks. I was excited because she was tapering so we could go my speed and it wouldn't be such a big deal. We did 5 miles in 62 min. Why am I still running 12 min 25 sec miles? UGH!!!! Well, I left this run and decided it was my shoes so I bought a new pair of running shoes. That will make it better. If not, at least they are pretty! My oncology nurses tell me I am too hard on myself and I know that is true but I really want the old me back and I am facing on a daily basis the fact that this may never happen. This is hard for me. I hope that I can learn to be more patient but I really want these parts of my life to be normal again.

Two weeks recap and a 4 miler

The day after my last blog, I went back to my surgeon to have a check on how I am healing. As many of you know, I have opted to not have reconstruction. This did come up during our appt. I am so unusual (being 33 and opting to spend the rest of my time on Earth without breasts) that he was surprised that I have not changed my mind. He obviously doesn't know me well as he thought I would change my mind! My prosthesis are working out for me and I love the feeling of running without sports bras and being able to breathe! Joe said that my doctor is invested in me being "normal" again and wants me to have all of the normal things women my age have. I think this is a learning process for me but as I'm running more, I am very excited about the things I can do without them. We also discussed port removal. I thought it would be a quick recovery time with me being able to get back to swimming, biking, and running within a week of the removal. I was very disappointed to hear that it will be at least 4 weeks off from running and swimming. This posed a problem for me as I am doing REV 3 Old Orchard Beach in August and I cannot afford to take off a month between May and June and still be prepared for the race. This made me really upset as I just want to have it removed to signify the end of my cancer treatment. As I was able to talk to Joe, Mary, and Jeanne, I realized that I have the ability to determine my treatment and have decided to wait until after the race to have it removed. This will give me time to take off after the race but still get in some of my fall race season and then get to Ironman training. It gets rid of my ability to do Ragnar Relay, possibly not be able to do the Boston Medley, and I will not be able to do a fall marathon but the big things of a 70.3 and a 140.6 are still on the table. The next week I went to see my oncologist. We discussed how I am recovering more quickly than most people do from chemo but how frustrated I am that I am not recovering more rapidly. I want to be back to my pre-surgery running self soon! I want to run how I normally did. I want my weight to come off more quickly. I made the decision to go back to being a vegetarian (but allowing myself to eat fish) again to aid in my weight removal too. I also thought that I am tired of the crap they are putting into me each week so I want to eat more cleanly to help my body through the process. I know I need to be patient - which when it comes to swimming, biking, and running, I am not. I recently told a friend of mine that Ironman almost prepared me for this because training for an Ironman is really hard work, it's painful, exhausting, it takes a long time to train for. I am working just as hard right now to accomplish a fraction of what I did for Ironman but I am working toward being an athlete again, not only an athlete but a TRIathlete. This appt had an interesting discussion about the drug tamoxifen. I had made a pro and con list to taking the drug and in the pro column it has one thing: decrease the chance of getting breast cancer again. In the con column I had 10 things listed. I had thought that post chemo things would get easier. I was wrong. It just becomes more complicated. I'm on a drug (Herceptin) that has many side effects including potential cardiac toxicity (which I am petrified of every day as this could take away many parts of my life before that I loved and made me happy), it makes me tired, it makes my joints ache on a daily basis, and it has slowed my recovery from chemo. Tamoxifen has many potential side effects as well including uterine cancer, cataracts, weight gain, blood clots, and many more. When I bring up the side effects I am told often that there are other drugs to "fix" the side effects. I started doing research on it and realized (and I'm not alone with this one) I don't just want to know that I am going to be cancer free - which I won't know because I could end up with another more aggressive form of cancer - but I want a great quality of life. I want a great quality of life for the next 50 years and I worry that I won't have that if we keep just giving drugs on top of drugs on top of drugs. I have worked my ass off to be off of asthma and arthritis meds my entire life. I don't want cancer to change that for me. This discussion of my life post chemo actually made me cry. I don't feel like there is a correct choice. I feel like I am picking the lesser of two evils and I hate being in that situation. I actually let me feel sorry for myself for an hour then got pissed off at myself for doing this, talked to a few people about what they did, realized what my decision was, and then felt completely at peace with myself. This is my life and I want to live it, for me, on my terms. And I will. This weekend I ran the Lake Placid Pub and Brewery's Octoberfest 5K! My second race went much better than the first one. The course clocked on my GPS at 3.2 miles and I completed it in 37 min. This was also much hillier than the last one. It had amazing views of Whiteface Mtn and the leaves were beautiful. The day was a perfect running day. I am still super competitive too. I couldn't take that these people were passing me, walking, I would pass then, and then they would run again and pass me. I had had enough of that so I started running faster - AND IT FELT GREAT!!! I missed racing. I loved every minute of this race. I even finished and went back out for another mile! I will be ready for the Great Pumpkin Challenge 10K in two weeks!!! I did have a moment this past week when I was trying to come up with a plan for running and I realized I now have to train like a beginner not like my Ironman mind wants me to. I am being kind to my body but loving the progress. I bought a bathing suit today. I want to get back into the pool last week but realized I didn't have a bathing suit that fit me. Today we went and purchased one. Wow, it made me realize where all of my weight is which was super difficult. I also realized how obvious my scars are when I am wearing the suit. But I want this. So I will go swim this week. Maybe it will only be 100 yards but I will swim. In closing, fall is being very good to me in many ways. It is challenging in others. I am working hard to maintain my positive attitude and appreciating that I am able to swim, bike, run, and go to hot yoga again. I am loving that with these cooler days, it is less obvious to others that there was something wrong or I have a port because of the layers of clothes and my winter hat being worn while out in the cold (Joe knows this and laughed at it so I can share, I even got hit on last weekend by a guy at Ragnar (not a runner and he wasn't drunk or delirious from not sleeping)). I love being treated as normal again. I am tired of being treated with kid gloves. I am one tough chick and want to be treated like one.