143 days

Last Monday I went for a bike ride with my niece and felt immediately like I was going anaerobic, every muscle burned, I couldn't breathe. It was the worst ride of my life. I was in granny gear the entire time and felt like I was still trying too hard. I knew there was something very wrong on that ride. The next day I had my Herceptin treatment and found out that my RBC count was 2.58 million where the low end of normal is 3.8 million and my hemoglobin levels were 8.8 g/dl where the low end of normal is 11.9 g/dl. These numbers were the reason for me feeling horrible. I decided to give myself a week to heal without pushing my biking especially since I went back to work. I have been feeling really great though the past two days so I decided to get on my bike and just try to see how it felt. It felt great. I didn't really push too much but I also was not really out of breathe either. I am looking forward to seeing what my blood work shows this week and I am really excited that I am going to see it edge closer and closer toward normal every week from here on out since I am done with chemo! I am really happy about being done and becoming me again. On my bike ride today I was thinking about training - I miss having a training plan so much. I have been given a fabulous gift because of my friends Sarah and Jeremiah. I have been given an entry into Rev3 Old Orchard Beach 70.3 triathlon for next August. The people at Rev3 and Sarah and Jeremiah are allowing me to do something that means a lot to me and I am so grateful. I had been worried about how I can go from zero training to a 70.3 in one year but on my bike today I realized how I can do it. Starting tomorrow, September 10, I have 143 days until February 1. February 1 is the first day of my training for the race. This gives me 143 days to get back into a basic workout/triathlon shape, lose the weight I put on during chemo, and get myself able to swim and run with my new body. Then starting on Feb 1st will give me 6 months and 1 week to train for the race and 2 weeks to taper for the race. Starting on February 1st is also significant becasue that was the day I found out that I had something wrong with me - my doctor felt the benign lump in my breast that day which ultimately lead to my mammogram and my cancer diagnosis. February 1st is also my husbands birthday. I know that February 1st saved my life last year but I want to make February 1st show that I am really alive through starting my training plan! What a way to show cancer who's boss! So, this is the plan and I am more than excited about it! I have dreams of crossing the finish line of a 70.3 and a 140.6 again and it is the most amazing feeling in my dream. I can't wait to cherish that finish line again next summer. I also want to say that I went back to work this week. I was petrified to do this. I knew I needed some "normal" but wasn't sure how this would go. I wasn't sure how my students would react to me. I wasn't sure how my coworkers would respond to me. I can say that I am extremely happy to be back in the classroom. We haven't talked about cancer at all but I'm sure it will come up at some point and that is ok. I hope that I can show them that you have an option everyday of your life to get up and try or you can decide not to participate in life. Like the song says - I hope they dance! I do almost everyday and it puts a smile on my face. I hope I can teach them not only science but to be happy because life is good. Even when the situation that you are in is less than positive, there are so many things to be happy and grateful for and life is too short to be angry all of the time. I hope they learn to do positive things that make them happy. Even with all of the crazy new state mandates, I am thrilled to be back at work!

Last Chemo Treatment and Back to Work

Tuesday, August 28th was my last chemo treatment. Yippie! I was so excited to have it done that I was convinced the nausea, the feeling of exhaustion would be better this time. It was better in that I knew I would feel better soon but it really sucked. I'm finally on the upward swing of this and I know it will just continue to get better which makes me really happy. August 28th will always mean to me the end of chemo and one year earlier Hurricane Irene which damaged the place I love the most - Keene Valley. On both occasions though, I have left that day with a great feeling of community. I learned how good people are through both flood cleanup and cancer treatments. I feel so happy to be surrounded by people who would do so much for me - in some instances people who do not know me well did a lot for me and my family during both of these times. I am so grateful for all of the support during these journeys. I would ask that next summer, it end on a more positive, happy note - I believe it will be at the finish line of Rev3 Old Orchard Beach 70.3 in Maine surrounded by some really amazing triathletes who will be helping me achieve that success. Tomorrow I start a new journey. I go back to work (part-time)! I am scared and worried but completely excited about this. I get to have some independence from my husband - I have felt completely dependent on him since surgery and we had separate time before cancer, I am excited to have that time again. He needs a break from me too. I get to be a professional again not just a cancer patient. I realize that by taking a 60% position I will be losing money in this process but I had a lot of people help me plan for that and I think I am very capable of keeping us on a budget for the next year. I figure I'm 60% teacher and 40% stay at home wife! I am looking forward to when my appetite returns to normal going shopping once a week for food. I look forward to having time to workout in the morning when Joe gets up to go to work. I am excited to begin a new school year as the new me. I am one step closer to the end of cancer treatments but I still have a way to go with tomorrow being 17 out of 52 Herceptin treatments done. I am sure I will find a rhythm in this new situation and I am really excited about branching out of the cancer patient situation and venture back to a "normal" place for me! Every year I get to pick a theme song for the school year. This year I pick "Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes! I think it's fitting!

Platelets

I went into the beginning of last week feeling slightly better than I did all of last week. My Herceptin treatment went as usual - no big deal. Then we received my blood work results. I get blood work done almost every visit to see how chemotherapy is effecting my body and we have come to expect that my platelets are low and my red blood cells are generally low too. This time my platelet count came back at 68k. Chemotherapy will not be administered if my platelets are below 100k and the normal platelet count is generally considered over 150k. My nurses assured me there was not much that I could do to make my bone marrow work appropriately except for be healthy and be well rested. After the appointment, Joe and I walked to the car and we took the three flights of stairs in the parking garage (I may be a cancer patient but I can still walk to my car is still my mantra). I was extremely winded at the top of the stairs due to my low red blood cell count. This prompted a conversation about running. Joe and I discussed and came to the conclusion that running is not in my best interest right now. Now, I have been struggling with running - low red blood cells leave me unable to move enough oxygen around my body to make it really enjoyable. So, for now, I am going to hang up my running shoes. I am also going to repair the love/hate relationship I have with my bike on short (7 to 10 mile), easy rides. No hills in my life right now! I am tired a lot but as long as I sleep at night and take a nap during the day, I can maneuver through the day really successfully. I felt like I received two really big pieces of bad news in one day - this was disapointing but I kept reminding myself how lucky I was to be where I was and with my husband so that made it much better. The only problem with me having a low platelet count and a verging on too low RBC count is that my doctors will delay my last round of chemotherapy if it stays low. This is not an option to me. My last round is scheduled for August 28. If we delay this, then I start work and have my last round of chemotherapy on the same day or I work a full week and then have chemotherapy. I want this to be over sooner rather than later as well. I honestly don't know how I would handle school and chemo but it would only be a week and I am capable of anything if I put my mind into it. As per my usual OCD/need to have control over every situation, I immediately went home and started researching foods that can help increase blood cells. I was helped with this search by a friend as well. I have been diligently eating lots of fruits and veggies - thank goodness it is summer and I can eat almost exclusively from my garden and the farmers market. The only thing Daci found that crossed the line that I will not try is shark oil - although if they don't go up next week, I may be searching for that! I am visualizing my bone marrow producing more cells every day. I am also giving my bones a pep talk on a daily basis. I desperately want my body to get itself together and get through this. I will say that as of Friday my body feels leaps and bounds better than it had been feeling but this is normal and I can just hope this means my bones are taking in all those beautiful nutrients and helping me out. After my last round and a couple of weeks to allow the drugs to leave my body, I am planning my detox diet - this may include a revisit of my former vegetarian diet! For now, I would encourage positive throughts on platelet renewal.

6 months

6 months ago today... My life changed. I received a phone call while I was on the way to a faculty meeting. My friends Heather and Jeanne saw the look of concern as I navigated my way to a more private area through the flow of teachers headed to the meeting and followed me. During that phone call, my entire world was collapsing around me and they comforted me. I was told I had cancer. In the 6 months that have followed, a lot has happened. I have had surgery, made my way through 5 out of 6 rounds of chemotherapy, and 13 out of 52 weeks of Herceptin. I have relied on friends and family for things I never thought I would have to rely on them for. I have had allergic reactions to anti-nausea medications which really sucks as I am relying on only one anti-nausea medication to get me through chemotherapy. I have lost all of those beautiful Ironman muscles and gained between 15 and 20 lbs - I am very unhappy about this. I have had to deal with a fear that I would never have thought I would have had to deal with - the fear of losing myself, the fear of having chemo effect my heart, the fear of losing my ability to run, swim, and bike like I used to especially since I made decisions with regards to surgery to keep those as an integral part of my life. I was training for an Ironman - which is really hard but in the last 6 months I have learned a new level of hard. In Ironman training, I know exactly what distances or times I have to accomplish on that day. I know that there is an end to each and every workout. Chemotherapy and cancer have no definite ends when it comes to feeling nauseous or keeping my RBCs up. I have no idea sometimes how my body will react to the chemo drugs. This is harder than any Ironman I have completed. I have had to watch people around me do things that I love to do and not be able to join in. I have no hair (looking pretty bad-ass if I do say so myself so I don't see this as a bad thing). I have had to try to learn to roll with the punches - this is really hard when all of your life you were a planner. I have had to change how I live life. BUT... I am grateful to have an amazing support system starting with my husband. He has had to deal with me and my crazy a lot more as chemo has progressed. I am so happy to have people around me who love and support me. Without the fabulous people around me, my life would be very different. I love my life even with all of the things in my life that are not quite as I would have designed them. I have a lot of people who are pulling for me and I can't wait to move through this and make them proud. I can't wait to have them at my side or at the finish lines of all of my races in the future because they will have had as much a part of my success as I have. I have been called an "inspiration". I don't know about that. I am just a girl who wants to be me again and will work really hard for that. I honestly believe that any Ironman in my position would do exactly what I do on a daily basis to get themselves back to where they had planned to go. We talk about 2014 Ironman all of the time and many people are in with me on that 2014 journey. I work everyday just to get back to being me. I have asked my body to try every day and have allowed myself to say yes or no to different situations, but I try every day! 6 months ago today, my life changed. BUT... THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

I've felt better

Sorry its been so long. Life has brought us in many different directions these past few weeks. Ironman weekend was crazy. I was able to pull it together and get to watch my fabulous husband finish his 3rd Ironman! It was not an easy day for him but he pushed through and did what he had to do to become an Ironman again. I have been comparing my chemo treatments with finishing an Ironman. On this day, Joe showed that the hardest part of the Ironman is the marathon sometimes. I have just the marathon portion to complete in this chemotherapy journey. I went into Tuesday feeling ok - a little fatigued but overall in great spirits. After Ironman weekend, we were able to calm down and get ourselves together to have some really relaxing days. I felt recovered from the last round of chemo going into this round. I can see the finish line now and understand that I only have to go through this two more times and not feel well two more times. Tuesday's treatment went by without major issues. My MUGA scan came back with 63.2% efficiency which is down from 65.7% and thus chemo has had a small impact on my heart but from all I have heard it should go back to normal after chemo is finished. My RBC count is still low and my hemoglobin count is also low due to the RBC count. This is allowing me to feel tired a lot of the time. I usually feel good enough to go and eat dinner with Joe out on chemo days. We went out as normal and then within an hour, I did not feel well. I felt so bad that Joe had to find me clothes to wear to bed. Wednesday is a blur - I know that acupuncture helped me with my nausea for the day. Thursday I convinced myself to go out on the bike. This felt excessively slow but helped with nausea for a little bit. Today has been tough. I just want to sleep. I want to feel like me again. I want to have the energy to put on my running shoes and run. I want to not feel sick to my stomach. I know that "This too will pass." I also know that I only need to do this once more. I know that my husband is amazing and is doing great things to help me feel better. I understand that chemo has a cumulative effect, I just didn't expect it to be so intense this time around. Hopefully the last time will be better. I'm awaiting my switch to be pushed so that I can feel better and move forward. It will come. I will get through this round. Only one to go! 13 out of 52 herceptin treatments done too!