6 months and counting

6 months ago today I went through my last chemo treatment. I ate Coccadotts cupcakes with the infusion staff when it was all done. I realized recently that I suffered through those last chemo treatments pretty badly but everyday I got up and knew that tomorrow was a better day. I also realized recently that if my infusion nurses weren't so amazing at making the experience more pleasant than it was, I probably would have hated every moment of the last 42 weeks treatments. Every time I go in, I actually have a good time - they are fabulous people who make me feel comfortable and know about my life because I'm there every week. They are some of the reason that I didn't know that I felt horrible. They wouldn't treat me like I am sick and that made a huge difference. I have made huge strides in 6 months. I am now working with a coach to get me through the marathon, 70.3, and 140.6. I have hair that is longer and longer every day! I feel stronger! To prove that I have made huge strides, in the month of February I have completed 61.1 miles of running in 11 hrs 35 min which is an average pace of 11 min 22 sec per mile (not too shabby). I have biked about 119 miles in 8 hrs 30 min. And I have gone into the pool and swam 2.7 miles in 1 hr 49 min for a total mileage of 182.9 miles in 21 hrs 55 min! We can compare that to 2008 when I was training for my first 70.3 I had a total mileage of 69.12 miles in February (yikes), 2009 when I was training for my first 140.6: 212.41 miles in February (only ~30 miles difference), 2010 when I was training for my second 140.6: 205.02 miles in February (only ~23 miles difference), 2011 when I wasn't training for anything: 108.86 miles, and last year 2012, although this will be different because I found out I had cancer last year in February and knew Ironman was out of the question so I just scaled back on mileage but went all out all of the time: 155.27 miles. I think I'm kicking ass everyday! On this day where I celebrate that I have made huge strides, I also found out that I only have 9 weeks left of treatment instead of 10! April 30 is my last treatment date! This is really exciting. I even did a happy dance in the living room when I found out!

Cancerversary

At 2:35 pm on Monday, February 13, 2012, I received a phone call that made me feel like my life was spiraling out of control. I had called earlier that day to get the results of my biopsy and was actually teaching with my phone in my hand just in case I got a call while I had class. But that is not when I got my phone call. I was actually on my way to a faculty meeting. "Kelly, It's Dr. ___. Do you have a minute to talk? If not, I can call you tonight." "Of course I want to talk about this!" is what I wanted to say but instead I was pleasant and started walking toward a more private area than the hallway I was standing in. I was shaking because I new if my actual doctor was calling me, this was bad. Then I heard the words that changed my life "You have infiltrative ductal carcinoma." My friends Heather and Jeanne were walking to the meeting as well and saw me walking quickly while on the phone looking frazzled and they quickly followed me. I remember writing furiously while shaking. I remember exactly what Jeanne was wearing - an orange shirt that I really like. Heather was wearing a shirt that had a little shimmer to it. All things around me were things I encountered everyday, this was a normal day and then it wasn't. I remember Jeanne sitting across the table from me watching me write and trying to read it. Heather was just rubbing my back and telling me to breathe. I was told that they were going to make an appointment for me to see a surgeon. I was told that my doctor would call me back at 7:30 pm to check in and see if I had more questions after I had time to process this information. I remember asking "How do tell your husband you have cancer?" I believe there was an offer to have either Heather or Jeanne call my husband but I needed to do it. Joe's reaction was not expected. He just said "Well, what is the next step?" He was completely calm. We have talked about that moment since then and he says he knew I would be fine so he didn't want to freak out over it. I can tell you that he did react more when he had to tell his family and when we found out it was Her2Neu positive (Monday, February 27). I realized I was done with Ironman for the year which was just difficult to process. At 3pm, I went to my faculty meeting. At 3:20 I got a phone call for an appointment with my surgeon. Then I went to my classroom, packed my stuff and went to the gym. From 4:30 to 5:15 I worked as hard as I possibly could on the spin bike in spin class. All I wanted to do was scream. I had jelly legs from my effort when I got off the bike. I left the gym, composed myself, and called my sister. I asked her to go somewhere the kids couldn't see her and she did. I told her. And there was silence on the phone, just sniffling. I assured her I would be fine and told her I was heading my my parents to tell them and someone would call her back in a couple minutes. I told my parents who kept it together really well while I was there and gave me information from my mother's cancer diagnosis so that I could bring it with me to the appointments to give some more information. I talked to Kate who for the first time lost it with me. Spiraling out of control. That is how my life felt. I finally got home, talked to my doctor, and then Joe came home. He walked right over to me and hugged me and I just cried. From February 15th through 16th, I saw a surgeon, an oncologist, and a radiation oncologist. I showed up to all of the appointments with my Ironman clothes on - I wanted them to know where my passion lies so that they knew what they were dealing with right up front. I was given so much information that my head was spinning. I went about my workdays as normal as I possibly could. I had many meeting with my principal to discuss how we tell the staff and students. I wanted to make sure there was no pitty, no excessive hugging going to happen so we decided the day before vacation was the perfect day to tell the faculty since I had to leave for an MRI anyway and I wouldn't have to be at the meeting. We decided to tell the students later when we knew when I had surgery scheduled. It made life easier for me if people around me knew what was going on since I wasn't always focused and feeling like I was keeping a secret was just weighing me down. I went and did the HMRRC relay which was difficult because it was the first time people I knew from Ironman were around and they were asking "How's Ironman training going?" I had to tell them I wasn't doing the race. This was tough. During this time, I had to tell friends. My favorite, and in my opinion, the best response was from Amy. When she heard, all she texted me was "Well, s*@t!" Then I went on vacation in Florida for 1 week. I really needed that vacation. Now, after 1 year of highs and lows, I faced this day with feelings all over the board. I am so glad my day at work was busy because I didn't think about it at all. This is a 100% improvement from1 year ago when all I could think about was cancer. Once I had time to think, anger came around. I was out for a run and just couldn't reel in my effort - so much for a progression run, more like an all out 5K and I loved the pain associated with it, the completely breathless feeling, the screaming my muscles and mind were doing telling me this was not what the workout called for. This made me feel alive. This is my drug of choice to control my stress - running. After my run was over and my breathing was getting back under control, I cried. How could this have happened to me? I still wonder that. I remember saying to Jeanne last year that I didn't want to be a martyr, I wanted an "easy" cancer. I wanted people to look at me and say "You got off easy." That didn't exactly happen. I said cancer could take part in 1 year of my life. It has been 1 year and I am not done with treatment yet. This was not my plan and that makes me angry. I have learned that I "can't always get what I want" all of the time - who knew?? I have struggled today to figure out what today means to me, I have no idea what the answer to that question is but I wonder if next year, when this day comes, maybe it won't be so emotional. Tomorrow is another day. I am growing more and more accustomed to a new body each day. I know that cancer has changed me but I am a formidable foe with more motivation each day to show the world what I have in me. Cancer gave me something to, a new mantra for my difficult runs which helps me every time I feel like I can't put one foot in front of the other anymore and this will get me through a marathon in a few months, a 70.3, and Ironman - "I have been through worse and conquered. Today is easier than cancer treatment."

February 8, 2012

February 8, 2012, was the day of my 1st and last mammogram, which brought about an ultrasound, which brought about a biopsy. I remember every moment of that afternoon. I was sitting grading in the waiting room listening to a couple of 90 year old women talk about how they didn't mind a colonoscopy because they liked the drugs they were given during the test. I remember being given my first ugly purplish gown that only covers the top of you and is just plain old ugly. I remember the older woman who was in the second waiting room talking about all of the problems that occur when you get old and that I shouldn't get old. I remember trying to make small talk and funny comments to the female tech who was feeling me up for the test and her matter of factly answering my questions. I remember sitting getting the ultrasound and knowing that something was wrong while the tech was clicking away and I knew she was taking measurements. I especially knew when they left me in the room and didn't even bring me into the waiting area telling me that someone would be in to tell me about my results. I remember being told that I had two tumors and because of my family history they wanted to biopsy them immediately. I remember calling my husband and crying. I remember him asking me if I wanted him to come to the hospital and me saying no because then we would have two cars there and that was pointless. I remember calling Jeanne and asking her to calm me down. I also know from talking to her that she immediately went across the hallway to our friend Heather's room and asking what she should do. I remember all parts of the biopsy since I was just given a numbing agent during the test. I remember trying to negotiate with the doctor to let me get on my bike trainer that evening or get in the pool within the next three days. I remember him asking me "Why the hell would you ever want to do an Ironman let alone 3?" I remember the nurse who was trying to keep me calm every time the biopsy needle was fired (yes, it sounded like a gun going off every time). I remember walking to the third floor of the parking garage trying to keep myself together and crying when I got to the car. I do not remember the car ride home but I do remember getting home and having my choice of three different types of sandwiches because Joe knew I hadn't had lunch and didn't know what I wanted so he picked three different things that he knew I may like. I remember searching Google and learning that 2 out of 10 biopsies are benign. 20%, I liked those odds. I also remember that I wanted to go back to normal immediately so we went to the NYS Museum lecture on the evolution of lactation (a little ironic, I know). I remember the next few days all I thought about was the biopsy and since the doctor wasn't swayed by my charming nature to let me workout, I had to just wait for 3 days before I finally got to go for a run, a very long run and deal with my stress! I remember going to school and having a homemade card in my mailbox that said that "Whatever happens, you are one strong person who can deal with whatever comes your way" from Jeanne. I still look at this card when I need to. One year later, I know what I have learned how strong I am and how much I have left to learn about myself and grow. I also know that, although this was the beginning of a feeling that cancer was consuming my life that lasted for several months, I am not my disease, I am not cancer, I am not what happened to me. I am a very strong woman that I think is pretty amazing in what she has accomplished and has to offer.

January

One year ago tomorrow (2/1/13) changed my life. I was told that my doctor felt a lump but it probably wasn't a big deal but let's do a mammogram and ultrasound at your earliest convenience because of your family history. I had an appointment within 5 min of leaving the doctors office because I am like that. Now, I feel like I have two ways of looking at tomorrow. One being dreading the memories or the other being I gave my husband a wonderful birthday present. I chose the later. I gave him more time with me. If I hadn't found out about this on his birthday, who knows what could have been. I may have been a three time Ironman with advanced cancer by now and that would have been a different scenario all together. But I have a long life with him ahead of us. So tomorrow, on my favorite person in the worlds birthday, we celebrate him. We celebrate our lives together. We reflect on last year but we move forward into our new life together. We have a great weekend planned with each other and will be having fun with friends. We will celebrate that both of us had a very productive month of January athletically. We will celebrate that we both have a great year ahead of us. We will celebrate being us! On anther note, January gave me a lot of exciting things. I had the first encounters with people who had no idea that I had cancer - that was exciting. I was just Kelly several times and it was lovely. I had my 5 month anniversary from my last chemo treatment and I celebrated by doing an hour on the bike trainer. I traveled for work for 4 days and didn't take a nap the entire time I was away - that is amazing. I also had an entire month of training under my belt. I get to post my monthly mileage again!!! This makes me happy. So, here it is. Swim: 3.4 miles in 2 hrs 24 min Bike: 106 miles in 7 hrs 35 min Run: 50.1 miles in 9 hrs 17 min Yoga: 1 hr Total miles: 159.5 miles in 20 hrs 16 min!!! That sounds good to me. I'm on my way!

Oh the highs and lows of cancer treatment

I decided to make a list of some things that I learned the past few weeks: 1. I faced my first really challenging run on Sunday at the Winter Series. It was cold, windy, rainy, dark, and then sunny - typical day in the winter of upstate NY! I was alone the entire 15K (1 hr 43 min 21 sec). It was extremely lonely. I remembered the mental determination that I had during Ironman during this run. 2. Listening to Lance Armstrong talk about "Winning at all cost" I realized I understand that feeling. I have such a drive to make sure that I complete an Ironman because that is how I know I have conquered cancer. There are moments that I wish that I could be content finishing a half marathon, but that is just not me. The difference between me and Lance is that I won't cheat. I will work my butt off - literally, I want to get rid of the junk in the truck I have acquired during cancer treatment. 3. My MUGA scan came back lower than it had been 12 weeks ago. I went into the test knowing I feel pretty good so I thought it was pretty much unnecessary - maybe a little cocky. It was 61.6% while 12 weeks ago it was 66.7%, 24 weeks ago it was 63.2% and 65.7% pre-chemo. This was disappointing. It is still great heart function but not what I expected. I was told by a friend that after Herceptin is over my heart will grow 5 times it's size like the Grinch had happen! Hope so. 4. My hemoglobin levels are finally back to normal. Possibly because I ate beef a couple times this past week because I was really craving it. 5. I stopped taking Tamoxifen. I am really tired for multiple reasons including that I am not sleeping well due to side effects. I was in so much pain just holding onto the steering wheel of my car that it just wasn't worth it. 6. I got to hear how my 8 yr old niece Kaelah sees me since she wrote an essay on me for a contest. She had to write an essay on a female athlete that she admires and she chose me. It was really good. I loved listening to her read it to me and to see how an 8 yr old views her aunt. 7. I made the best meal of my life last week! It was blue cheese encrusted steak with a red wine shallot sauce with green beans and potatoes. It was mouth-wateringly good!!! 8 I am uber competitive. This girl ran past me in the race on Sunday and I tried to go with her (even though I was not going to win, I don't like being passed) but I couldn't keep her pace. Then she had a gap on me and stopped. I wanted to yell "RUN". I wanted to run after her, catch her and then spit her out when I passed her. I love the competitive drive that I still feel. She started running again and I just didn't have the distance to catch her but next time... Watch out! 9. I only have 15 weeks of cancer treatment left!!! How exciting.