End of the year recap

A lot of people would expect me to say that I was excited 2012 was over and it wasn't a good year. There are a lot of things that changed in my life this year and I look forward to a new beginning in 2013 but it wasn't a bad year. Not even close, it was an potentially the most important year of my life. I had a lot of positives happen to me this year. I was able to meet some very special people that have changed my world. Some of these people wouldn't have entered my life without a cancer diagnosis and others would have any way you look at it but either way these people have enhanced my life. I realized how much I love running, biking, and (to a lesser extent) swimming aka triathlons. I fought really hard all year to make sure that running played a part in every aspect of my life and I will fight to keep running for the rest of my life. It is my sanity. Triathlon and running has also given back to me. These sports have allowed me to see my progress over the past year. The people who I get to meet through triathlons and running have made me feel accepted and have allowed me to know that I am part of the sporting community that means so much to me. Not that we weren't each others biggest fans before, but my husband and I have fallen more in love over the last year and he is my biggest supporter. I love our life together and couldn't wish for anything more. I learned how tough I am. I was a tough cookie before but now I feel like I can kick ass in anything I decide is worth it. I have learned more about myself than most people would want to know about themselves. These revelations about myself has allowed me to prioritize things as well. I have learned to say no. I have learned to accept help when I need it. I now have even more motivation to do things that make me happy. I have learned over many years but even more so this year that nothing external can make you happy if you aren't happy inside. (My husband would say I sound like Dr. Phil with that one!) I've learned that I need to look for the positives in everything and let things go when they don't need to be held onto. I've learned to self-advocate for what I want from situations. I've learned that if you want something, just ask. What's the worst that could happen, they could say no but more often than not, they say yes. Of course, I had cancer so I got a lot of yes' this year as a byproduct (I'm not proud of that one - I'd rather earn what I want than be given it). There are negatives too. 1st of all, I had cancer - that sucked! I learned that I am intolerable when I can't run - I'm sorry to all that had to deal with me during that time. My life will be forever different. I morn for the person I was and struggle daily to figure out who I will become. I learned that death is a part of life that we all need to deal with. This has also taught me to enjoy every moment of every day because you never know. I've learned that adults have to make difficult decisions about their health sometimes. I've also learned that when you make those difficult decisions, you cannot look back and have regrets. (Thank you Mary for this one!) I'm not always good at this one but I am trying. I've learned that life isn't always fair. I've learned that not everyone that you thought was important in your life is and may of those people are emotionally draining. My body betrayed me this year. This was extremely difficult to deal with. I was extremely sick (even though many people had no idea how sick I was most of the time). I would say that my body has shown great resilience though. I will acknowledge that I have been able to accomplish amazing things since chemo ended in August - my body has done things that some people take years to accomplish or feel they never could in the 4 months post chemo. I am proud of how hard I work everyday to make sure I am working toward my goals. I know that all of the negatives will result in positive outcomes in my life, I just need to be patient. As for my end of the year stats that I usually post, I don't really have anything to post since I didn't log most of my miles this year. I didn't log any miles between March and November. I was sporadic about logging them in the program I use from November until the end of the year and from the date of my diagnosis until I had surgery. Here is what I have logged in the program though: Swim: 2.66 miles in 1 hr 56 min (I know I didn't swim much more than this this year!). Bike: 302.25 miles in 21 hrs 52 min. Run: 186.8 miles in in 33 hrs 29 min. Other miles: 2.85 miles (no idea what I did off the top of my head) in 2 hrs 30 min. Total miles: 494.56 miles in 59 hrs 47 min (2 days 11 hrs 47 min). I must say that even with cancer, I beat a lot of people in miles logged this year. For the upcoming year, I have goals. Finish the Key Bank Vermont City Marathon and Rev3 Old Orchard beach. Finish Herceptin treatments in May. Get my port taken out in August. Sign up for an Ironman! Live each day to its fullest. Learn from others. Learn from myself. Make sure I am healthy and happy! I have a bright future. Although I will not start the year completing a half marathon due to a slight injury and two illnesses, I will start the year running and that is all that matters. I hope you will do the same. Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Lots of wonderful things happening on Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family! I began my day yesterday bringing small gifts to those who have ensured my life will continue on for the next 50 years, my oncology family and surgeon. How do you tell the people who have saved your life thank you? Through Bailey's, Starbucks Coffee, some homemade jam and jelly, chocolate, and a very nice Riesling of course. My infusion went as planned and was a great thing to get over with before all of the festivities started. Biking followed and then we were off. I am still an Ironman and days of massive eating do not include no exercise! Christmas eve was beautiful with family galore, nieces and nephews super excited about Santa, some Christmas cookie decorating (Chewbacca was made and I become really good at the yellow smiley face with a Santa Hat), and a little It's A Wonderful Life! Christmas is so much fun when there are children running around and playing. With the background of our day being 24 hrs of A Christmas Story and the random trivia facts that surround it ("You'll shoot your eye out!", tri-Santa arrived at my house bringing me a new pair of pink, rimless Tifosi sunglasses to make me more efficient in aero position and really stylish while I'm racing! While my husband bought me a very special gift - a rock and a starfish necklace. Let me explain... When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I told my husband that it was ok if he wanted out, he didn't sign up for this, I understood. He gave this to me and said "Because you are always my ROCKSTAR!" He's a very special guy - and he's mine! I got changed into my new shirt with bikes on it! I love this shirt and it is something I never would have been able to wear before. Our TEAM LOCO medal holder was opened and we were so happy with the friends we have made this year and the year of racing that was ahead of us.

Sydney and Cooper were excited about all of the toys that Santa had brought them and they got to play with the rocket when we arrived. The 1st rocket only lasted about 5 min into our visit as Joe decided to see how high it would go and the wind took it and it landed on the neighbors roof! Oops. We will always remember this. Sydney danced when we danced and played with her new babies! Cooper played with his light-saber! Jessica got to play with tools to put together all of their things while Sam got to make the egg bake that we all love! I got to listen to some Beiber with Cooper's new headphones! It was a very exciting morning! I was able to run through the newly fallen snow from one house to the next. It was a beautifully quiet and peaceful run through the streets of Albany. Snow was lovely. I was able to run on some of my favorite roads without fear of being hit by a car or verbally accosted by a random stranger. All the people that I saw had a smile on their face or were hugging their family and friends as they arrived at their location. The sun actually came out for the last mile of my run too. It was perfect even though it didn't actually feel perfect. But 4.5 miles done in a nice controlled fashion. When we arrived at my parent's house, Sierra was excited to open presents while my father was trying to figure out new iPod settings. We allowed the children to hand out gifts and there was only one mishap, they thought the gift addressed to my parents as "Mom and Dad" was for their mother, my sister. All were excited about their very nice gifts and I went home with some very nice kitchen baking and cooking implements which I am excited to use. Sierra sang America's "Golden Hair Surprise" while Kaelah sang Michael Jackson's "PYT". Everyone except for my mother got to play with my mother's new iPad. We looked at my father's new Specialized bike and compared it to Joe's bike. My favorite conversation of the night went like this: Me: Did you see what was on my shirt? Kaelah: Bikes - why would you have bikes on your shirt? Me: Have you met me? Kaelah: Did Santa Joey get you that shirt? Me: No, Santa Kelly bought this shirt for herself. Kaelah: Then that's not a Christmas present, that's just going shopping! What a smart girl! Now, it is time for a nice glass of wine with my very wonderful husband! I have a great life and I am surrounded by fabulous people. What a great two days! I hope Santa was as good to all of you as he was to me and my family. As the Night Before Christmas says: "Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good night!"

Happy Holidays

It has been an extremely busy December. I had a slight injury the weekend after Thanksgiving which has prevented any long distance running this month post the 10 miler that I did the day that my knee started to bother me. I ran the Jingle Bell 5K with my friend Mary and in celebration of my friend coming back to running after an injury which was so much fun. It was snowy and icy which is perfect for the season. I ended up with cold number one after this race - I am a teacher and my kids are all sick so I was waiting for this to happen. I was featured on the Key Bank Vermont City Marathon website - I'm a minor celebrity now!!! (haha) Check it out: www.runvermont.org/therundown/why-i-run/why-i-run-kelly-sullivan Then two weeks later I ended up with a big, horrible cold where I lost my voice for three days and couldn't go three feet without blowing my nose. It was horrible. The funny thing was I went for a run while I was not feeling well to loosen things up but it was a great run. It felt easy and effortless. Those are the runs that send people out running again and again. I then went out for a run one night to see the lights in my neighborhood when I fell. I fell hard. There was a very large discrepancy in the sidewalk that I didn't see and hit the ground. I collected myself and got up. Realized I was bleeding but couldn't tell where I was bleeding from so I ran home and had my husband fix me up. I think this was only part of my year since I usually get road rash from falling from my bike at some point during the summer but this year I wasn't on my bike much so it was only appropriate. I feel very hard core!

This brings me to Christmas. I have a Christmas wish. I want all people to live each day to its fullest. Laugh each day. Love each day. Do something good for yourself each day. Do something good for someone else each day. Sing loudly each day. Dance each day - either by yourself or with someone, especially little kids! Do things with the ones you love every chance you get. Let yourself be happy. I am loving my life because of these goals of each day. I dance each day and love every second of it. I sing poorly each day and am extremely happy when I am doing it. With this in mind, I have decided a few years ago that we needed to have a tradition of decorating Christmas cookies! It has grown every year. We had 8 kids and their parents decorating Christmas cookies and talking about Santa and their Elves - Frisbee, Taco, Snowflake, and another I don't remember. It was a blast! All kids seemed to have fun as they all fell fast asleep after leaving the fun. I'm sure this will be at least 3 children bigger next year since we have a few friends expecting little ones! I love being surrounded by the little kids so excited about Christmas and Santa. It makes me extremely happy and I want them to have something fun like this to remember when they get older and do with their children. Children make Christmas fun and since I don't have my own, I get to bring in other people's kids, give them sugar, have fun decorating cookies, and then send home with their parents them all sugared up! It's a perfect situation for me! Isn't that the job of an Aunt!!! If not, I was mis-informed!

I am excited to have time with my husband to enjoy this wonderful time of the year. I love that we get to spend this week together and enjoy the fun of the season. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!! May your heart be bright! Enjoy your family and friends! I know I will!

Thankful

Thanksgiving has brought me to write this post and reflect on what life has brought me this year. Although cancer has brought difficult moments and experiences, it has also given me different experiences that I would never have had and I have learned from them. Cancer has changed my life. I have decided to allow for it to change my life in positive ways. I wanted to share with everyone what I am thankful for this year. My husband - Joe is my rock. Joe loves me through everything. He supports me through thick and thin. He is the most amazing significant other one could ask for. I've even allowed for him to join my Rock Star status this year! He is a spectacular person who I am extremely glad I met 17 (almost 18 years) ago. I love you, Joseph! My family - I try very hard each and every day to make sure they know that I am ok and I am pursuing the life that I had planned prior to cancer making an appearance. I am thrilled to have such a great support system which makes me happy and laugh almost everyday. My friends - New and old - I have had the opportunity to become closer to many of my friends due to cancer and I am happy about this. I have had the opportunity to meet several amazing people this year who have helped me enjoy life through what could have been a horrible time in my life. I've heard someone tell me that you don't get to pick your family, but you pick your second family in your friends. I love that there were many opportunities in my life that allowed me to meet these people and I am grateful for these relationships. Early detection - without a doctor who found my lump early and knew my medical history well and technology that could detect the cancer I may not have had the long life ahead of me that I now have the opportunity to have. I beg everyone to use me as a motivator to check your self and see your doctors regularly to be screened. It literally saved my life and I want you to be around for a long time as well. My medical staff, most importantly my oncology nurse, Lisa - Lisa made the difficult time through chemo more bearable. She makes me laugh every time I see her which is every Tuesday. She gives me strategies to make sure that I feel better every week. She is the reason that this weekly treatment plan is not making me crazy. My body - I know this one is weird, it rebelled against me this year. BUT it was in the best shape I think it was ever in before I went into surgery which allowed me to get through surgery and chemotherapy much better than most people would go through it. It is working really hard to try to get back to the running, biking, swimming, Kelly that I want it to be. I push it hard and it responds. I LOVE this about my body. I thank it everyday for helping me to accomplish my athletic goals everyday! My strength - I am stronger than I ever thought I was. My mind has learned that I am capable of so much. I love that I am a strong, independent, questioning woman. I have learned so much about myself this year and I am proud of what I have accomplished. I hope that I have many more years to reflect on all of the things that I am thankful for. I am so happy in my life and I love that I have the opportunity to LIVE it and enjoy every day with those I love.

Running Away From Cancer - 15K done!

I completed my first 15k post cancer surgery and chemo but while still undergoing cancer treatments today. I am really excited about this. I signed up for this race after I went for an 8 mile run with friends two weeks ago. The run that we went on felt easy for me so I figured, why the heck not do the race. I have been running this race since 2004 (with the exception of 2010 when we did the NYC Marathon). It has become a staple on my race calendar and as of September, I didn't think it was a possibility this year. When I realized it was, I felt like this would show that I am back to being a version of my old self (I can't help but believe that the old Kelly is gone but I truly believe a new, better version of myself is becoming visible.) I knew this would not be my fastest race but it would be really important to me to finish this race. I have said it before, I was not a 5K runner - that wasn't enough for me. My cancer diagnosis will never change the fact that I was a distance runner/triathlete. I am unwilling to give those things up. This race gives me one more moment to realize that I am going to be able to get back to that distance running form sooner rather than later. I was pretty stupid though the day before the race and looked at my time from last year - I was running some of my best times last year and I am nowhere near being in the shape that I would like to be in - but I needed to know what I had been capable of. After the race I looked up all of my Stockadeathon times to just compare (1:38.42 in 2011, 1:42.19 in 2009, 1.33.19 in 2008, 1:39.35 in 2007, 1:35.54 in 2006, 1:41.00 in 2005, and 1:34.14 in 2004). This year I ran a 1:43.57!!! My goal was anything under 1:50 but my BIG goal was 1:45 or under. I did it!!! This morning I woke up at around 7 since I live less than a 10 min drive from the starting line! I tried to make sure that I could use my own bathroom before the race. I drank my magnesium food rich smoothie (my magnesium levels are a little low so I have been drinking this smoothie once a day) and a bowl of Cinnamon Chex - yummy!!! My coffee went down nicely too and I felt optimistic about today although I had become nervous overnight. Once I got to the race, I found myself in the porta potty line (so much for the help of being at home and using the bathroom). I ran into a few people I knew and talked. Then I took off my outer layers while dreading going out into the slight drizzle with cold and a little headwind. Wasn't it supposed to be sunny and 60 today? The race started and there was a woman walking as fast as I was running. I will keep this post PG rated but my brain was not being so nice about this. Mile 1 11:23.08. I wanted to be conservative in the first 5 miles because of the HILLS that I knew were looming. It was already getting too warm to wear my hat and my sleeves though so I was hoping I would find my husband and ditch the hat soon. The next mile I heard my name and then saw Sara and Mark yelling for me!!! I didn't know they were coming!!! How exciting!! I loved knowing that they came out to cheer me on! I ditched my hat with them and started making sure I was going past people like Sara told me I should. Mile 2 after seeing them was pretty much downhill and I was trying to not let my desire to go my race pace (still slow but more difficult to maintain) take over even though I knew it was winning out over my reasonable side - 11:07.03. I was taking note that the new course was on roads I have never been on but that the first half had more small rolling hills than the former course had. Mile 3 I was trying to get away from a group of people who were pretty much yelling at each other because most of them had headphones on while running with their running partners and trying to carry on a conversation at the same time - 10:50.76. Not racing and only going out for a long run went out of the window! Mile 4 was pretty much on roads that I knew, a drummer on the side of the road, and my love of this race had me smiling. Plus, I realized I had successfully gotten away from the walker and the loud people but I could still hear them chattering behind me - 10:51.22. I was thinking that I would probably crash on the hills but I realized that I loved the feeling of "race pace" - being out of breathe, your muscles contracting forcefully, and your body working hard to go forward. I missed this incredibly! Mile 4 to 5 brought us through the Stockade which is always beautiful and the people are super excited to be spectating. It is also flat so my time wasn't as fast but I realized that I could break 1:45 if I just keep up the pace that I was going until we went uphill and then I just couldn't blow up and I would be fine - 11:03.90. Mile 5 to 6 we started the big climb. I knew it was coming but wasn't sure what to expect on the new course. This hill went up, then up some more, then up some more. I was breathing hard and kept saying to myself "This feels great! I've been through so much worse than this and this is a GREAT pain!!" I was even excited in my mantras to myself. Up the hills I still ran an 11:23.22. The 10K mark lead to a nice flatish part of the course through the cemetery which was beautiful and quiet. But then we climbed again. I knew though that once I was up this hill it was pretty much flat and the Sara and Mark were waiting for me there. Mile 7 - 11:37.84. Sara and Mark were waiting at the top! A little arm pump of excitement and Sara telling me to pass the 6 people in front of me and I went. I was loving the pain of running fast!! People are afraid of this but not me. I learned before cancer that if I pushed past my limit then someone would be there to pick me up but I would be proud to say that I pushed for my goal. I was back in that same place today. I LOVE TO RACE!!! I may not be fast but I push myself hard and I love the way it makes me feel. I haven't really done this since last February! I picked off 6 people while going down the little hill. Mile 8 - 11:38.55. I saw Josh running toward me and I had a smile on my face (like I did most of the race - this was a fantastic experience for me). He left his running partners and came over and cheered me on even telling me how he knew how much this meant to me and that made me run even faster. I was picking people off left and right! This meant so much to me and I had great people waiting for me at the finish line!! I was running much faster than I have run post cancer surgery and chemo and I could feel every moment of it. I kept telling myself that I know how bad I can feel from chemo and I have been through worse and this is cake compared to that. I wanted this so much! I was hitting my edge of how fast I could go and was wondering if I could make it at this pace but there was no way I was giving up this pace unless I absolutely had to. I rounded the park and saw Sara and Mark again! I pushed even harder. I was angry that the couple behind me would run hard, then she would whine and complain then they would stop and walk and then run by me again - I just wanted to yell at her "You don't know what pain feels like buttercup! Suck it up! A woman going through cancer treatments is kicking your ass!" But instead I smiled knowing what I was accomplishing. Mile 9 - 10:45.17. I pushed harder since I was only 0.3 miles away from the finish line. I could hold this pace for a max of 4 min right?? I rounded the pond and saw my cousin Stacey and just smiled! I did it! I saw Mark and Sara and smiled even bigger! I did it!! The last 0.3 miles in 3:16.50. I broke my goal and am super excited about it!!! What did I do in celebration? I went home and took a nice bath and then a nice, long nap!!! What a great day! I'll be sore tomorrow but it is worth it! I missed racing. Next up, Rothman 8K in Philly next weekend and the Troy Turkey Trot 10K and possibly the 5K as well with some friends! Then we start the new year with the Hangover Half! It's going to be a great end to the year - I have a feeling!