March 15 - 1 year since surgery

March 14, 2012 - I woke up, went to work, and was visited by most of my co-workers throughout the day. I left work early (after being told it was time for me to go by my partner in crime who knew I was trying to make sure all was in perfect order before I left my students to my substitute that I really didn't know - how stressful) and immediately felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. Why? I think it was because, although work was allowing me to escape from my reality of "cancer patient", it was really stressful to be planning, grading,and putting my teenage students needs in front of my own. I realized I was exhausted from it all. I went and had my sentinel node injection - I know what it would feel like to get my nipples pierced after that one (not that I have them anymore), not pleasant! I went home to take a nap. Then I went back had my scan and went for a really intense 4 mile run and came home to get on my trainer for 40 min, also really intense. I remember all parts of that day vividly. I remember what my body looked like, how it felt to push my body super hard, and how my mind actually found a calm place at the end of the day because the next day was finally the beginning of treating a disease that would potentially kill me if we didn't take action. March 15, 2012 - I woke up, put on my Ironman t-shirt, and Joe brought me to the hospital. I had a double mastectomy. Most of the day is gone to me. I remember a lot of it but there is a huge chuck of it that I was under anesthesia or doped up on a huge dose of morphine. March, 2013 - I have a lot of different feelings on me being "in treatment" for a full year. I don't want to dread March 15 for the rest of my life so I decided that we were going to have a lot of fun for the days surrounding March 15. I had dinner with girlfriends on Thursday. On Friday, I swam the longest swim I have done since January 2012, had a great dinner with my husband, and went to see some new friends. On Saturday, I RACED!!! I mean, full out race pace, want to puke at the end because I'm running at my race pace, RACED!! Runnin' of the Green - a race I couldn't do last year. I broke 40 (39:56) which is fantastic for a girl still in cancer treatment. The last time I did the race in 2011 I finished in 38:22 (my fastest time ever) so I think this is pretty exciting. I forgot how horribly wonderful race pace feels - almost like being beaten up by a bat and running. IT WAS AMAZING!!! Joe and I then had a ton of fun with our St. Patrick's Day celebration. I still have mixed feelings on this day. I said that cancer could have 1 year of my life and I still have 6 weeks left and one surgery in August. I get angry that I still have to go to treatment 1 year later. Although I love seeing my oncology nurses each week - I would prefer seeing them in a more social setting than when I am being infused with chemicals. That really bothers me. Cancer has given me things though too. I have met people who I would never have met if I had not been diagnosed with cancer. These people are great friends that understand me and things that I love including running! I have made connections that have made me a better person. I have inherited an internal drive that I feel like is on super speed. If I want something, I will make it happen. I know I am strong - there is no question in my mind of this after all I have been through. I have less stress in my life - surprisingly - but it is true because I know nothing is really worth that much stress. I love my husband more and more everyday because of all he is and all he has done for me. I have had so many funny things happen to me over the last year too. People can say some really stupid things to people with cancer. I have questions that I do not have answers to, and that is ok! I do not always need a plan anymore, although I will say that I would much prefer one - cancer didn't really change that about me! I must admit that although it has been a tough year that has changed me, I think I am a better person for it. So, we count down to the end of cancer treatments. After April 30, I will have some free time on my hands and after the end of September I will have a life ahead of me that does not include time off for cancer. So, technically 6 weeks until cancer treatments end and 23 weeks until my last surgery. 27 weeks until I am truly done!!!

The 1/2 Marathon That Never Was

I was hoping that I could have done a half marathon on Jan 1 but then I randomly hurt my knee and couldn't. Then Shauna found the Quincy Half Marathon and Joe and I decided - why not! The half was supposed to be this weekend but it was cancelled on Friday due to snow and other reasons that made me realize that I do not believe that the Quincy PD actually ever wanted to hold this race in the first place and the Quincy PD just happened to have a reason to cancel it. This call made me wonder about what is happening to racing where we are so quick to cancel races for heat, snow, etc - but that is another blog altogether. I honestly didn't realize how important it was to me until it was cancelled. I know I am doing better than expected but I really want to conquer a distance race. I have always said that I will really feel like I am back to normal when I finish a marathon and an Ironman. I didn't realize how much I needed to finish a longer distance race. I realized that I didn't see the half as such a huge accomplishment for me initially but now I do - a half marathon 6 1/2 months after finishing chemo would have been impressive. I could have done 13.1 miles today if I wanted to but decided to keep working toward the larger goal of the marathon in the sequence my coach and I both think is appropriate. This means that I did 11 miles. I didn't even realize that this was the longest run I have done since being diagnosed with cancer last February. This was really exciting to me! I am proud of myself for this accomplishment. Although, I will likely be in the 13.1 mile range next weekend and I am hoping the race organizers can convince the Quincy PD to find two weeks from now to be an appropriate date to reschedule but I am not holding out hope. I may be looking to do another half somewhere close by just so I can have the excitement of crossing a finish line of a half sooner rather than later if they do not reschedule. By the way, 8 weeks left of cancer treatment! How exciting!

6 months and counting

6 months ago today I went through my last chemo treatment. I ate Coccadotts cupcakes with the infusion staff when it was all done. I realized recently that I suffered through those last chemo treatments pretty badly but everyday I got up and knew that tomorrow was a better day. I also realized recently that if my infusion nurses weren't so amazing at making the experience more pleasant than it was, I probably would have hated every moment of the last 42 weeks treatments. Every time I go in, I actually have a good time - they are fabulous people who make me feel comfortable and know about my life because I'm there every week. They are some of the reason that I didn't know that I felt horrible. They wouldn't treat me like I am sick and that made a huge difference. I have made huge strides in 6 months. I am now working with a coach to get me through the marathon, 70.3, and 140.6. I have hair that is longer and longer every day! I feel stronger! To prove that I have made huge strides, in the month of February I have completed 61.1 miles of running in 11 hrs 35 min which is an average pace of 11 min 22 sec per mile (not too shabby). I have biked about 119 miles in 8 hrs 30 min. And I have gone into the pool and swam 2.7 miles in 1 hr 49 min for a total mileage of 182.9 miles in 21 hrs 55 min! We can compare that to 2008 when I was training for my first 70.3 I had a total mileage of 69.12 miles in February (yikes), 2009 when I was training for my first 140.6: 212.41 miles in February (only ~30 miles difference), 2010 when I was training for my second 140.6: 205.02 miles in February (only ~23 miles difference), 2011 when I wasn't training for anything: 108.86 miles, and last year 2012, although this will be different because I found out I had cancer last year in February and knew Ironman was out of the question so I just scaled back on mileage but went all out all of the time: 155.27 miles. I think I'm kicking ass everyday! On this day where I celebrate that I have made huge strides, I also found out that I only have 9 weeks left of treatment instead of 10! April 30 is my last treatment date! This is really exciting. I even did a happy dance in the living room when I found out!

Cancerversary

At 2:35 pm on Monday, February 13, 2012, I received a phone call that made me feel like my life was spiraling out of control. I had called earlier that day to get the results of my biopsy and was actually teaching with my phone in my hand just in case I got a call while I had class. But that is not when I got my phone call. I was actually on my way to a faculty meeting. "Kelly, It's Dr. ___. Do you have a minute to talk? If not, I can call you tonight." "Of course I want to talk about this!" is what I wanted to say but instead I was pleasant and started walking toward a more private area than the hallway I was standing in. I was shaking because I new if my actual doctor was calling me, this was bad. Then I heard the words that changed my life "You have infiltrative ductal carcinoma." My friends Heather and Jeanne were walking to the meeting as well and saw me walking quickly while on the phone looking frazzled and they quickly followed me. I remember writing furiously while shaking. I remember exactly what Jeanne was wearing - an orange shirt that I really like. Heather was wearing a shirt that had a little shimmer to it. All things around me were things I encountered everyday, this was a normal day and then it wasn't. I remember Jeanne sitting across the table from me watching me write and trying to read it. Heather was just rubbing my back and telling me to breathe. I was told that they were going to make an appointment for me to see a surgeon. I was told that my doctor would call me back at 7:30 pm to check in and see if I had more questions after I had time to process this information. I remember asking "How do tell your husband you have cancer?" I believe there was an offer to have either Heather or Jeanne call my husband but I needed to do it. Joe's reaction was not expected. He just said "Well, what is the next step?" He was completely calm. We have talked about that moment since then and he says he knew I would be fine so he didn't want to freak out over it. I can tell you that he did react more when he had to tell his family and when we found out it was Her2Neu positive (Monday, February 27). I realized I was done with Ironman for the year which was just difficult to process. At 3pm, I went to my faculty meeting. At 3:20 I got a phone call for an appointment with my surgeon. Then I went to my classroom, packed my stuff and went to the gym. From 4:30 to 5:15 I worked as hard as I possibly could on the spin bike in spin class. All I wanted to do was scream. I had jelly legs from my effort when I got off the bike. I left the gym, composed myself, and called my sister. I asked her to go somewhere the kids couldn't see her and she did. I told her. And there was silence on the phone, just sniffling. I assured her I would be fine and told her I was heading my my parents to tell them and someone would call her back in a couple minutes. I told my parents who kept it together really well while I was there and gave me information from my mother's cancer diagnosis so that I could bring it with me to the appointments to give some more information. I talked to Kate who for the first time lost it with me. Spiraling out of control. That is how my life felt. I finally got home, talked to my doctor, and then Joe came home. He walked right over to me and hugged me and I just cried. From February 15th through 16th, I saw a surgeon, an oncologist, and a radiation oncologist. I showed up to all of the appointments with my Ironman clothes on - I wanted them to know where my passion lies so that they knew what they were dealing with right up front. I was given so much information that my head was spinning. I went about my workdays as normal as I possibly could. I had many meeting with my principal to discuss how we tell the staff and students. I wanted to make sure there was no pitty, no excessive hugging going to happen so we decided the day before vacation was the perfect day to tell the faculty since I had to leave for an MRI anyway and I wouldn't have to be at the meeting. We decided to tell the students later when we knew when I had surgery scheduled. It made life easier for me if people around me knew what was going on since I wasn't always focused and feeling like I was keeping a secret was just weighing me down. I went and did the HMRRC relay which was difficult because it was the first time people I knew from Ironman were around and they were asking "How's Ironman training going?" I had to tell them I wasn't doing the race. This was tough. During this time, I had to tell friends. My favorite, and in my opinion, the best response was from Amy. When she heard, all she texted me was "Well, s*@t!" Then I went on vacation in Florida for 1 week. I really needed that vacation. Now, after 1 year of highs and lows, I faced this day with feelings all over the board. I am so glad my day at work was busy because I didn't think about it at all. This is a 100% improvement from1 year ago when all I could think about was cancer. Once I had time to think, anger came around. I was out for a run and just couldn't reel in my effort - so much for a progression run, more like an all out 5K and I loved the pain associated with it, the completely breathless feeling, the screaming my muscles and mind were doing telling me this was not what the workout called for. This made me feel alive. This is my drug of choice to control my stress - running. After my run was over and my breathing was getting back under control, I cried. How could this have happened to me? I still wonder that. I remember saying to Jeanne last year that I didn't want to be a martyr, I wanted an "easy" cancer. I wanted people to look at me and say "You got off easy." That didn't exactly happen. I said cancer could take part in 1 year of my life. It has been 1 year and I am not done with treatment yet. This was not my plan and that makes me angry. I have learned that I "can't always get what I want" all of the time - who knew?? I have struggled today to figure out what today means to me, I have no idea what the answer to that question is but I wonder if next year, when this day comes, maybe it won't be so emotional. Tomorrow is another day. I am growing more and more accustomed to a new body each day. I know that cancer has changed me but I am a formidable foe with more motivation each day to show the world what I have in me. Cancer gave me something to, a new mantra for my difficult runs which helps me every time I feel like I can't put one foot in front of the other anymore and this will get me through a marathon in a few months, a 70.3, and Ironman - "I have been through worse and conquered. Today is easier than cancer treatment."

February 8, 2012

February 8, 2012, was the day of my 1st and last mammogram, which brought about an ultrasound, which brought about a biopsy. I remember every moment of that afternoon. I was sitting grading in the waiting room listening to a couple of 90 year old women talk about how they didn't mind a colonoscopy because they liked the drugs they were given during the test. I remember being given my first ugly purplish gown that only covers the top of you and is just plain old ugly. I remember the older woman who was in the second waiting room talking about all of the problems that occur when you get old and that I shouldn't get old. I remember trying to make small talk and funny comments to the female tech who was feeling me up for the test and her matter of factly answering my questions. I remember sitting getting the ultrasound and knowing that something was wrong while the tech was clicking away and I knew she was taking measurements. I especially knew when they left me in the room and didn't even bring me into the waiting area telling me that someone would be in to tell me about my results. I remember being told that I had two tumors and because of my family history they wanted to biopsy them immediately. I remember calling my husband and crying. I remember him asking me if I wanted him to come to the hospital and me saying no because then we would have two cars there and that was pointless. I remember calling Jeanne and asking her to calm me down. I also know from talking to her that she immediately went across the hallway to our friend Heather's room and asking what she should do. I remember all parts of the biopsy since I was just given a numbing agent during the test. I remember trying to negotiate with the doctor to let me get on my bike trainer that evening or get in the pool within the next three days. I remember him asking me "Why the hell would you ever want to do an Ironman let alone 3?" I remember the nurse who was trying to keep me calm every time the biopsy needle was fired (yes, it sounded like a gun going off every time). I remember walking to the third floor of the parking garage trying to keep myself together and crying when I got to the car. I do not remember the car ride home but I do remember getting home and having my choice of three different types of sandwiches because Joe knew I hadn't had lunch and didn't know what I wanted so he picked three different things that he knew I may like. I remember searching Google and learning that 2 out of 10 biopsies are benign. 20%, I liked those odds. I also remember that I wanted to go back to normal immediately so we went to the NYS Museum lecture on the evolution of lactation (a little ironic, I know). I remember the next few days all I thought about was the biopsy and since the doctor wasn't swayed by my charming nature to let me workout, I had to just wait for 3 days before I finally got to go for a run, a very long run and deal with my stress! I remember going to school and having a homemade card in my mailbox that said that "Whatever happens, you are one strong person who can deal with whatever comes your way" from Jeanne. I still look at this card when I need to. One year later, I know what I have learned how strong I am and how much I have left to learn about myself and grow. I also know that, although this was the beginning of a feeling that cancer was consuming my life that lasted for several months, I am not my disease, I am not cancer, I am not what happened to me. I am a very strong woman that I think is pretty amazing in what she has accomplished and has to offer.