February 8, 2012

February 8, 2012, was the day of my 1st and last mammogram, which brought about an ultrasound, which brought about a biopsy. I remember every moment of that afternoon. I was sitting grading in the waiting room listening to a couple of 90 year old women talk about how they didn't mind a colonoscopy because they liked the drugs they were given during the test. I remember being given my first ugly purplish gown that only covers the top of you and is just plain old ugly. I remember the older woman who was in the second waiting room talking about all of the problems that occur when you get old and that I shouldn't get old. I remember trying to make small talk and funny comments to the female tech who was feeling me up for the test and her matter of factly answering my questions. I remember sitting getting the ultrasound and knowing that something was wrong while the tech was clicking away and I knew she was taking measurements. I especially knew when they left me in the room and didn't even bring me into the waiting area telling me that someone would be in to tell me about my results. I remember being told that I had two tumors and because of my family history they wanted to biopsy them immediately. I remember calling my husband and crying. I remember him asking me if I wanted him to come to the hospital and me saying no because then we would have two cars there and that was pointless. I remember calling Jeanne and asking her to calm me down. I also know from talking to her that she immediately went across the hallway to our friend Heather's room and asking what she should do. I remember all parts of the biopsy since I was just given a numbing agent during the test. I remember trying to negotiate with the doctor to let me get on my bike trainer that evening or get in the pool within the next three days. I remember him asking me "Why the hell would you ever want to do an Ironman let alone 3?" I remember the nurse who was trying to keep me calm every time the biopsy needle was fired (yes, it sounded like a gun going off every time). I remember walking to the third floor of the parking garage trying to keep myself together and crying when I got to the car. I do not remember the car ride home but I do remember getting home and having my choice of three different types of sandwiches because Joe knew I hadn't had lunch and didn't know what I wanted so he picked three different things that he knew I may like. I remember searching Google and learning that 2 out of 10 biopsies are benign. 20%, I liked those odds. I also remember that I wanted to go back to normal immediately so we went to the NYS Museum lecture on the evolution of lactation (a little ironic, I know). I remember the next few days all I thought about was the biopsy and since the doctor wasn't swayed by my charming nature to let me workout, I had to just wait for 3 days before I finally got to go for a run, a very long run and deal with my stress! I remember going to school and having a homemade card in my mailbox that said that "Whatever happens, you are one strong person who can deal with whatever comes your way" from Jeanne. I still look at this card when I need to. One year later, I know what I have learned how strong I am and how much I have left to learn about myself and grow. I also know that, although this was the beginning of a feeling that cancer was consuming my life that lasted for several months, I am not my disease, I am not cancer, I am not what happened to me. I am a very strong woman that I think is pretty amazing in what she has accomplished and has to offer.