A letter to cancer

On February 13, 2012, I was given a cancer diagnosis. In that moment I was forced to say (in the words of Barney Stinson of How I Met Your Mother)"Challenge accepted!" I was forced to fight for my life. And I did. I do not wish this happened to me but it has. As I approached this date 2 years later, I was struggling with how I felt about this day, what it did to my life, and I decided to write a letter to cancer to tell it what I feel. Here it goes. Dear Cancer, Thank you! I know that this sounds weird but thank you. You tried to take things away from me but instead you gave me a more complete outlook on life. You tried to make me weak but you failed. Instead you made me stronger. I said I gave you a year of my life but I lied. I gave you 11 weeks and then I fought really hard to run and bike throughout treatment and once chemo was over, I trained for a marathon. Then I trained for a 70.3 triathlon. I did more training in 2013 than I did in 2011 (see stats below). And now I'm training for an Ironman. And after that, it just gets bigger and better. You gave me two mantras that motivate me beyond every possible excuse my mind could imagine - "I've been through worse" and "All I wanted was to do this during treatment so get your f#@*ing ass in gear." You tried to give me excuses but I refused to allow for that to happen - I don't have an excuse, as Scott Jurek said in his book Eat and Run, "Sometimes you just do things." You tried to break me down but instead I grew stronger. I am stronger mentally and physically than I was prior to my diagnosis and I LOVE it! You thought you took away my confidence in my body image but you didn't. I am happier with how I look today, scars and all, than I did the day I was told you were trying to wreak havoc on my life. I've also lost all the weight I put on while trying to defeat you and now weight less than I did before you came into my life. You tried to take away my competitive edge but you couldn't. I am a fighter and I wouldn't allow you to take it away. I still may not be fast but I want that finish line of races more than I've ever wanted it before and I am working harder than I've ever worked before to get there. Not only that, but now I have a team and a coach that expect great things from me - nothing can stand in my way, not even you! You tried to take away my joy for living but I wouldn't let that happen. I make sure I do everything in my day to make me happy. I love my life. I can honestly say that even with cancer in my life in my 30's, these have been my favorite years. You tried to take away opportunities that would make my life more full but you failed. I've actually had more opportunities come my way post cancer than I did pre-cancer because I am more open to opportunities that present themselves to me. I have met wonderful people through this that I wouldn't have met before. I was asked to "star" in a commercial which was just a blast and a half to be a part of. You tried to make me scared but you didn't. I understand the concept of living one day at a time but that means I live each day like it is my last and I make sure to enjoy every moment I spend with my handsome and incredible husband, my family, and my friends. I'm not afraid. I am determined to be amazing. I am a ROCK STAR!!! So in closing, THANK YOU! You helped to stoke the fire inside of me to be the best possible me that I could be. I am not angry that you entered my life. I am joyful to have defeated you. You should have known that I was a badass chick with huge expectations from myself. Thank you for driving me forward to look at my dreams and not be afraid to pursue them. Thank you for reminding me that I want more than mediocre. I chose and choose to DANCE and I do that on a daily basis. Or more appropriately I chose and choose to SWIM, BIKE, RUN, and LOVE! This is what STRENGTH and PERSISTENCE looks like. This is just a reminder of who not to pick on in the future.

Thank you! * Stats from February 6, 2013 to December 31, 2013 not including the first two weeks of September after my port removal surgery: Swim: 55 miles in 37 hrs 27 min Bike: 1429.82 miles in 113 hrs 44 min Run: 528.23 miles in 99 hrs 50 min Race: 102.88 miles in 18 hrs 18 min