Swimming again... And other things

Disclaimer: I am very honest about my week here. Please do not comment on being too hard on myself. This is who I have always been and cancer won't change that. I wouldn't have gotten to accomplish the things I have accomplished in the past without this drive. Right now, it is tough for me to know I am not who I used to be and I expected to get back to "normal" more quickly than I have been able to. Here it goes... I went back to the pool this week. I was away on Monday working in the garden for the last time this year. Tuesday was my treatment day and I take that day off because I work and by the time I get home after treatment I want to eat dinner. So, Wednesday became my day to swim. I got to the pool around 2 pm and while sitting in the parking lot I was all of a sudden worried. Things I hadn't thought of occurred to me. I was all of a sudden scared to go in. Questions filled my head. Where was I going to get changed? Although I am comfortable either wearing my prosthetic boobs or not wearing them at times, I am very uncomfortable about getting changed around others. I have huge scars. I have to remove my fake boobs. I have a spare tire around my center that I am working on getting rid of. What if someone says something to me? What is someone sees me? You can see my scar when I wear my bathing suit. I don't want to be the one to change in the bathroom - I am more confident than that. What if someone says something about my lack of hair? All I want to tell people when they ask about the hair is "I just wanted to be radical?" but I don't have that personality. What if I can't swim????? I finally told myself that if I don't go in, cancer wins and that is not me. So, I went in. I was disappointed that there were a lot of people at the gym at 2 pm. I was thinking I was going to have to circle swim because of how many people were swimming. I didn't know how fast or slow I was and which lane would be right for me so I was happy when three people got out of one lane at the same time. I swam the first 50 slow and easy and my breathing was perfect. My balance was good. I was SWIMMING! Then at my 150 yard time I started getting some soreness in my shoulder. I thought it must have been because of the port. I stopped, stretched, and then went again. Another 150 and the pain got a little worse. I was determined to do 500 yards though. I had to figure out where this pain was originating from. The closer I got to 500 though the more painful it was. I had to stop reaching with my right arm completely. But I swam. I left knowing that my pain wasn't around my port but wasn't sure where it was coming from. I left swimming wondering if I was going to be able to swim with this port in. Was the pain from scar tissue being stretched? Was it referred pain from the port? Would I be able to train for the REV3 Old Orchard Beach? Was all of the things that I want to do not going to happen because of cancer? I have said cancer can have 1 year of my time but no more and I am already looking at more than a year and I was pretty frustrated and angry about this swim. This swim left me worried. I just kept saying to myself, it will get better. I was so frustrated I went home and since it wasn't raining at that moment, I went for a run to get rid of my anger and frustration like I used to do. It was another frustrating event though because I ran 1.7 miles in 20 min. It was slow and still felt like it was a really difficult. UGH!!!! Can't I just have one piece of my former life back!!! So, Thursday I decided to go back to Hot Yoga. I needed the relaxation and, although it was a different class than last week, last week went well so I could do this. After doing 4 sets of vinyasas with plank to downward dog, my instructor had the class do side planks. I sat back on my heals and actually laughed at myself. I was being shown again how much I still can't do. Then my IT band and hamstring cramped up - my body reminding me that this was harder than last time. Yippie! Another reminder of what I am still not able to accomplish. I failed at yoga that night. I have been facing failing to do what I expect a lot recently. Maybe failure is not the right word. I have been trying and not getting better. I am trying to see myself as a beginner again but beginners put in the work and progress - getting faster and capable of going farther. I am not getting faster. I am pushing to go farther yes, but faster, no. I know that I am able to go longer but speed is still really difficult because I still can't carry enough oxygen to do the speed. I am FRUSTRATED!!!!! I wanted to recover faster than I am. I was told that herceptin wouldn't have any effects on me and I would get back to being myself fairly quickly - Bologna (I used my filter here). The better I feel on a daily basis while getting away from chemo (7 weeks this Tuesday), the more I feel like I should be getting back to being me. This is not happening. I am being faced with more complicated situations that deal with a life happening post cancer. I am being faced with the person who I am compared to the person I want to be. This is extremely difficult for me. Even writing about this makes me want to cry because I am finding it hard to be faced with not being able to accomplish what I want to accomplish on daily basis. It is hard to not succeed in the athletic area that I desperately want to get back to on a daily basis. I am watching other people's lives move forward but mine is crawling through treatment. But I keep getting back on that proverbial bull. It has to get better. I will find the day where cancer isn't the only thing that I think of most of the time. I will find the day when I can just run and have a crap time and just feel like - "Oh, well, it happens sometimes" instead of "My running isn't progressing because of cancer treatments." It has to happen at some time. But again, if I didn't go back and try to swim again, cancer wins. So on Friday, I went back. Again, the fear associated with the locker room had me sitting in my car but I got out and went inside. I got my suit on and got in the water. 100 yards - pain in my right shoulder. I stood at the wall and knew I was not going to give up this easily so what could I try that may make a difference. I normally only breathe on my left side so I thought, lets try to breathe on the right side. I also thought this would allow me to see what I am doing with that arm and maybe it was a positional issue. I tried and no pain. Problem with breathing on this side - I suck at it. My balance is all off. My body position is all off. I can swim well enough while breathing on the left side but on the right it is soooooo hard! But there is no pain. So, I did the rest of the 500 yards on that side - it was not pretty (I believe I probably looked like a flailing whale). I am choosing to believe that this will ultimately lead me to becoming a better swimmer. When I figure this out, I will have balance on both sides of my body in the water. This will make me a faster swimmer. But it will also mean I have to work really hard to make this happen. This weekend I was able to go for a 5 mile run with a running partner who is training for her first marathon in two weeks. I was excited because she was tapering so we could go my speed and it wouldn't be such a big deal. We did 5 miles in 62 min. Why am I still running 12 min 25 sec miles? UGH!!!! Well, I left this run and decided it was my shoes so I bought a new pair of running shoes. That will make it better. If not, at least they are pretty! My oncology nurses tell me I am too hard on myself and I know that is true but I really want the old me back and I am facing on a daily basis the fact that this may never happen. This is hard for me. I hope that I can learn to be more patient but I really want these parts of my life to be normal again.