The Fog has lifted

I had to re-read my last two posts because I knew that I wrote them but I couldn't think of what I wrote. After the bandages were removed on Monday morning, I had to continue taking Benadryl for the next 4 days so there was a lot of foggy feeling and dizziness. But I am finally off of it! My hives are pretty much gone. My severe headache that was with me for most of the week is currently under control. Between the hives and the headache, I couldn't focus, had trouble sleeping, and had problems interacting with people around me. Getting these things under control has made my life much, much better. My doctors response to my hives was "You just don't have much of a tolerance for narcotics." I guess this is a good thing. The drains did not come out this week though. I hate the drains! I can't wait for them to be gone. I understand their importance but I know that after they are gone, I will get better faster. I am finally stopping the nasty sweating of the excretion of all of the drugs they gave me during surgery. I am also losing the weird water weight and bloating that made me feel puffy for the first week after surgery. Now that I am only on my normal asthma and allergy meds I am getting back to "normal". I'm still struggling with finding a comfortable position while sleeping so my sleep is not great on a regular basis. I am also still struggling with food since I am unable to cook and we aren't eating what we normally ate before. I was not cleared to start the range of motion exercises yet but hope that I will be on Monday. I am doing a lot with my left arm although I am not nearly 50% range of motion yet and, due to the placement of the port and some referred pain from it, my right arm is at about 30% range of motion. I can't wait to have something to work toward in doing the range of motion exercises.

I have been walking a lot. I started walking around the block immediately after surgery and then on Thursday I felt great and went for a 4 mile walk! I think walking is helping me heal. There are stats that say that the body heals eight times faster with exercise. I am realizing that walking gets me nowhere near the exercise "high" that running and biking give me but it is helping me immeasurably none-the-less. I am so excited to run again. I think that getting back to my running will ultimately allow me to feel "normal" again. I was lucky that I spent the week with my father who was more than willing to go out and walk as far as I wanted to at any time I wanted to go.

I did have a moment of mental weakness this week. On Monday, after I got my first look at my new body, was wearing a pair of black running pants, the cotton vest that holds my drains, and a sweatshirt of my husbands, and my hair looked like I was Ralph Macchio from the Karate Kid, I looked at myself in the mirror and just cried. At that moment, I realized that if I dressed like I was a sick person, I was feeling like a sick person and I hated that. I didn't like that I looked like a young boy - there is nothing healing, healthy, or uplifting about being a 33 yr old woman and feeling helpless and feeling like I lost something. I vowed to figure out what I could wear to look like a woman and look healthy again. Since then, I have found shirts in my wardrobe that have larger neck holes and have warn them so I feel better. I also started wearing my wedding rings again as my hands are no longer swollen so they fit again! I am committed to looking great when I am capable to enhance my self-esteem.

This surgery was much harder than I thought it would be. I know I had reactions that were atypical but I thought I would have more mental capabilities in the week after than I did. I feel like life is moving at a sloths pace but, as my cousin pointed out, you don't go from working and training for an Ironman to sitting around trying to recover from surgery without it feeling like life has slowed down. I didn't realize how much Joe and I worked and trained until he went back to work, training, and coaching on Tuesday and was gone for 12 hrs. This was my life until March 15th too. I understand that I have to step back and take my life at a slower pace. I believe I will get used to this soon and get into a rhythm that I didn't have before but which will be best for me. Of course this week was not typical for Joe either. Although he worked 4 of the 5 days at school, he came home early without working out or coaching 2 days because of me on Monday and on Wednesday because he got a stomach bug (yuck). He goes back to "normal" starting next week. I am hoping that next week, I won't have to be supervised all of the time which will help me find my rhythm as well. I have at least 3 weeks to just heal now before chemo starts. That is what I shall concentrate on now.

4 days post surgery

Thursday was surgery, Friday I was basically pushed out of the hospital even though I was still puking and having a pretty severe headache. Friday, Joe and I learned to deal with my current situation with drains. Saturday, I was nauseous, extremely nauseous. My thoughts went to what if chemo is like this, I will not survive the year - that is how bad it was. Very quickly we learned that the hydrocodone was making me sick to my stomach and quite possibly giving me hives. We had a decent afternoon though with little thought of throwing up since I was not consumed with hives and itching. Benadryl became my best friend at this point. In the middle of the night Joe decided that washing the hive area again may help and we figured out that where the betadine was put on my body I was having a reaction and close to the tape that is around my surgical wounds was very irritated. Once we washed it again, gave me benadryl and put some anti-itch cream on the hives and I finally got to sleep.

Today. I woke up at around 8 am with itching and tingling around my chest and my back. I stayed awake until 1 eating two meals then took an hour nap and now I am writing. My head is still a bit fuzzy due to all of the medications I have been taking but I am feeling slightly more human. Today I did realize that I am completely dependent on my husband which makes me sad. I am one of the most independent people I know and now I can't even wash my own face. Washing my face and hair feels like it should be done every hour because I feel like I am excreting the anesthesia through my skin which is creating this oily feeling on my skin. I am still walking around the block - we measured it 0.66 miles in 13 min 13 sec today - but depending on my head depends on how much I enjoy being outside. I am dieing to go for a run and it's only been 4 days since surgery - how am I going to last 3 more weeks. This unusually warm weather allows me to sit in the recliner and think "You should go outside" and I am just too fuzzy sometimes to make my move to go out. I am so grateful that friends and family have brought over food for us as I don't know how Joe would take care of me, take care of himself, and do everything else. I didn't expect to be this helpless but the anesthesia really did my body no good. Tomorrow the bandages come off and maybe I can start the range of motion activities. Maybe one drain will come out too which would speed up healing. It can only get better the further from surgery I get!

Surgery is over and I am home

I'm finally on my way to beating cancer. My surgery went really well from what I can tell. I'm in little pain except for my headache which is more likely from lack of coffee than from anything else. I am so grateful for all of the people who have made my surgery so easy. The doctor said that he only had to remove one lymph node which is fantastic. We go back to the doctors on Monday morning to make sure I am healing quickly and appropriately. I have been laying in the recliner a lot since being evicted from the hospital at 9:30 am. I am walking every two hours - today once around the block, tomorrow twice - I'm such an overachiever! It really just feels like there is a lot of pulling on my chest. The next few weeks will be hard though - I'm already tired of having Joe take care of me although he is taking on the challenge extremely well. I can't wait to be able to start my mobility exercises next week. I miss my independence already though.

On one last note, I was really disgusted that I gained 3 lbs even though my chest is gone. I think it is all water weight from anaesthesia and it will all go away soon enough. Boy, to I hope for this all to be water weight.

Surgery tomorrow

Surgery is tomorrow and I am ready. I am excited to get past the theories of what we think is going on in my body and get complete answers. Plus, then we start chemo in 4 weeks which will mean that I am going to be perfectly fine in 52 weeks from then. We did find out that infusion treatments (including chemotherapy agents and herceptin) will be weekly for herceptin and every 21 days for the other chemo drugs. This is difficult to accomodate but once it is over, I will be completely cancer free!

I am so impressed by my family, friends, and coworkers who have been ultra supportive of my husband and me. My coworkers and one of my clubs have decided to show their support for me and my recovery by wearing pink and pink ribbons. I am impressed by how wonderful everyone has been. I feel invincible with all of the people who are sending their positive energy to me!

As I was preparing for tomorrow, I rode my bike for 45 min and ran for 4 miles - it was my way of preparing for being sedentary for a little while. It was funny though because my sports bra was irritating me the entire run and I realized that after today, I will not have to deal with this ever again on a run and I smiled and laughed. I also fell asleep for 2 hrs this afternoon - I guess I was tired!

So, here we go! I have faith that everything will be great!

Bills are coming and I'm still running

When you have cancer you are put in a position where every thought you have is centered on you getting better. Although you try very hard to do things that will take your mind off of it, it is still always there. Yesterday I had to call CDPHP (our insurance company). This was what seemed to be my millionth call of the week to either race directors, hotels, airlines, doctors, or hotels to tie up loose ends before I have surgery - I am an extremely controlling person and although my dad tells me I could do most of these things while I am home from work, I just want to concentrate on making myself better, getting my mobility back, and making myself ready for chemo while I am home recovering. CDPHP was very nice to me and was telling me all of our financial expectations with this. It was a lot more than I even expected but I am so glad to have health insurance. It is funny that in a time when I feel like I should be getting rid of cancer from my body, I am trying to figure out the financial burden of cancer as well. Today we got our first bill summary from St. Peter's Hospital for the mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy. The bill total was $8,023.00!!!! Wow!!! Thank goodness I have insurance so I only owed a copay but I can't imagine how much my entire care over the next year will add up to for the insurance company. Joe and I joked that since we have been very healthy over the last few years, we are cashing in on our payments into the system. I am keeping all of these receipts for many reasons but I want to see what the total cost of treatment will be for this situation. How do people without insurance pay for their cancer treatments without going completely broke? I am very grateful that we have insurance right now even though with a no out of pocket maximum, this will become expensive quickly but it is my life we are saving and we will make it all happen.

I also became "that patient" this week. I called both my oncologist and my surgeon's offices to ask questions as I was confused by some information. One of my first questions was whether or not the port would interfere with my biking, running, or swimming and was assured it wouldn't but I should stay in "safe water" swimming environments. I am petrified of getting lymphedema after surgery so I keep asking to make sure we are only taking out a couple of lymph nodes during surgery. Lymphedema would basically end my biking career completely so I want to make sure they understand my concern and will try their hardest to not be overly aggressive in taking them out unless it is absolutely necessary. I also was confused about if my lymph nodes will be tested during surgery or not. I still have to re-ask these questions as if they are cancerous, I do not want to have a second surgery (that is exactly what I was trying to prevent by not having reconstruction so why would this be different) I just want those effected removed. I actually think I am getting an actual answer but it isn't the answer I want to hear so I keep asking the question with the hope that they will change their answer to fit my needs - probably wishful thinking but if you know me, you know this is exactly me!

In all of this crazy of my life, the only thing that makes me feel like I'm still me is running and biking. Swimming isn't desirable as looking at that stupid line at the bottom of the pool just allows me more time to think. I am in the best biking shape at this point in the year as I have ever been. I started going to these indoor training sessions with my friend which are great as I am just an Ironman there until they ask how training is going for this summer's Ironman and I have to say I'm not able to do the race any longer. Today I went for a run where I just went where ever my mind decided to take me and it was fantastic. I am down 5 lbs which is exactly where I wanted to be at this point in training. But then I realize that I am training for surgery and that makes me sad. But I am loving every moment I am on the bike and out running - I know I won't be doing it for a little while so I want to make every one count. Joe and I were negotiating with my surgeon about my return to biking and running and we think I can get on a recumbant bike (one where I don't need my arms) within 2 weeks of surgery and back to running a little about 3 to 4 weeks after surgery. I will be allowed to walk almost immediately after surgery though so maybe I can also do wall sits and lounges to keep my leg strength up.

This week also came with me telling my students about me having cancer. This was intersting as I am talking to high school students (mostly 11th and 12th graders) about me having breast cancer. I was impressed with how many questions many of them had and how quickly some of them became protective of me. It has ultimately made my day a little easier as I am not the teacher I was before I was diagnosed. I am a little cloudy and unfocused sometimes although we are still working appropriately. I needed them to understand that I was going through something very big and be aware that I am trying very hard to be me.

My husband is my rock through all of this. I offered to let him out of our marriage deal and to find a younger, more genetically appropriate model but he is sticking with me!! We laugh daily and he keeps me positive. The first time he was rattled was this week too though with the FISH test being positive. Sometimes I need him to be angry with me and that was one of those times. I couldn't ask for a better partner in this journey although I feel horrible to be putting him through this. He is an absolutely amazing man and I will make him very proud through this process.